[delicatefade26]

Ok soo...my T was gone last week didn't hear from him at all..
Then I email him about not being able to meet for a few weeks..so then
He writes back with a date I can't do...I then tell him since there is such a long time til we can see each other...I can't handle that and I'm going to take an extended break...he writes back "we can try for another day, but let me know how you want to proceed" it struck me as cold an that he didn't care...so I wrote back told him I thought he was being cold, that I would no longer being needing his services, thanks for the time we did have but I just cant handle it anymore...I can't believe I wrote that...I'm freaking out...I just fired my T and I don't think I really wanted to...wow I feel broken, confused and stupid right now...

[sittingatwatersedge]

He said, let me know how you want to proceed.
But.. this isn't how you want to proceed, not really, is it? Don't be so quick to give up; he's probably going to wait for you to calm down, I bet. ((((((((((( hugs for you ))))))))))

[pbutton]

That sounds really tough. I bet you can write back again and un-fire him and he'll be ok with it.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by pbutton

That sounds really tough. I bet you can write back again and un-fire him and he'll be ok with it.

agreed....

[delicatefade26]

He hasn't wrote back yet...I'm scared to death of what he will say..ohh and I also added in "she was right about you all along" referring to my 10 year old self that never trusted him not to leave, that he doesn't care...woah...why?! I shouldn't have sent that I'm so embarrased...he is prob so annoyed with me...I feel panicky

Since you fired him, I doubt he's annoyed but instead realizes you're going through a tough time right now. If you don't want to quit - don't. Send another email and tell him you changed your mind. He left the choice up to you - "how do you want to proceed?" It's your choice. Set it right and stop the pain you're in. Hope you hear from him soon!!!

[beautiful.mess]

(((((delicatefade26)))))

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can feel the sting from your conversation.

I brought this same thing up to my T in session this week; I told him I wasn't sure if I could keep coming in, and every time I do come in I tell myself it's the last time. I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Now, the child part of me really, REALLY wanted him to beg me to stay, kwim? To tell me it was completely irrational of me to want to not come back, etc. because this would show me that he cared. That kind of "action" would have showed me - not just tell me - that I mattered.

But he didn't do that. He told me that if I wanted to take a break then that's fine. And he even seemed indifferent to the idea of me not coming back AT ALL. Ouch.

I agree with the others; he prob doesn't see this the same way you do. Give it a day or two and email him back. Tell him that you've been thinking about it, and realize that maybe it was just an emotional response, you're sorry, etc....but that you really would like to come back again.

Lotsa hugs for you right now.

[delicatefade26]

Thank you...I know I prob should...I feel childish...but i don't want to lose him either : (

[delicatefade26]

Wow thanks beautiful.mess that's exactly what it is...I need him to show me he cares and I'm pretty sure he won't...wow I need to go cry like a lil baby : (

[stopdog]

I quit and went back all the time. Weekly for awhile. I would call and quit right after leaving the office and then by the end of the week, changed my mind and called and set up another appointment. It did not seem any big deal to the t. For me, it was a big deal to make sure if I quit they would stay away and not come after me - so there is that.
But I also don't think they are (by training) supposed to try talk you into staying or tell you how it makes them feel if you say you want to quit. Perhaps if you want them to show you they care, ask them to talk with you about whether terminating or not is right for you at this time rather than quitting and waiting to see if they respond.

[delicatefade26]

So I already looked into another therapist...maybe one that can give me a set day/time..one that wouldn't cause me such distress..

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

So I already looked into another therapist...maybe one that can give me a set day/time..one that wouldn't cause me such distress..

I think it is good to check out a few of them. A set day and time can be reassuring.

[granite1]

i truely like that i have a set day and time (hate that it is monday do to holidays)but i love the consistancy of it.i say as scarey as it is maybe it will have a good outcome.i know it is hard to leave the familiar but give this T a try even if you make another appointment with old T .maybe new one will be better in the long run.one thing i can count on is mondays at 5 (unless it is a holiday).dont pick mondays

[anilam]

Your mail is no biggie. Just write him back. Now. Dont wait for him to write you back. I am afraid you are waiting because you are still wishing that he would beg you to stay...
How do you want to proceed is a very good answer. Most T would ask you that. Try to imagine him starting to beg you to change your mind. Would you really like that? Cause It would make me unconfortable as hell.
BTW My T has a rule that I cannot just stop seeing him. We would have to have few more ending sessions.

Just wanted to add that it does not mean he doesn't care. It means he is respecting you.

I need him to show me he cares

One thing to consider - it seems like your behavior might be manipulative. T's aren't supposed to let themselves be manipulated by their clients because they're trying to wean people off of manipulative behavior and into more adult, healthy behavior. I don't know how he'll respond, but he shouldn't let himself be manipulated. You need to learn how to ask for what you want.

It would just be a shame if you lose a good T over this. Hope it works out! I can feel how upset you are over this.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by anilam

BTW My T has a rule that I cannot just stop seeing him. We would have to have few more ending sessions.

How would a therapist ever enforce that rule? They may have a preference, but it is not like you have to follow it. I was told by one I saw about ten years ago that I could not just quit, and she was wrong - I could and did.

[delicatefade26]

Wow I feel so ashamed...I'm absolutely crazy, whiny, childish, stupid...I'm embarrased and I don't even know what to do...he hasn't said anything back...I deserve this thoug...you are right I need to learn to ask for what I need...I pretty much hate myself right now...and I'm sure he does too..whatever I'm over it..everything : (

((((((((((delicatefade))))))))))
YOU hate yourself right now - I'm sure he doesn't. T's have seen this all before, and they know how hard we struggle. Try to be gentle with yourself. Sending good thoughts your way, and hugs. Take care. This too shall pass - it always does.

[pbutton]

A couple of sessions ago I got mad and left in a huff. I was angry at something T did and I wanted to quit. The next session we had a discussion about why I was so hopping mad and why I wanted to fire T. He sat there the whole time looking at me with the same encouraging expression that he always has. Trust me, they're used to this stuff... I think you might feel better if you're able to reach out to your T.

[delicatefade26]

I emailed T and said sorry and that I don't want to quit therapy. Not at all, not even a little...and asked for a session..told him I am embarrassed and ashamed..and apologized again...well see what he says. : /

[SoupDragon]

Well done for e-mailing your T with this. As others have said. I am very sure T will know exactly why you reacted the way you did - he is trained to deal with us and I know I too have threatened to quit a couple of times - the last time T really told me off and told me it was inappropriate to just stop coming - that made me feel really childish, but it worked.

The other thing I wanted to say though, is that in 18 months we have only missed 3 sessions, 2 when I was on leave and 1 when T was. We have the same day / time every week - once we had to change the day and T acknolwedged how this could make me feel strange, as we get used to routine.

I really value the fact that we do meet on the same day / time - it is my protected time to think about me and it gets me through the week. So for me with what I know now, I do think personally I would always look for a T where I could have these regular sessions - sounds like this is something that your current T does not offer? Is there a reason why it is difficult for him to set up a more rigid routine?

Be gentle with yourself, if we could all handle these situations and our responses, none of us would need to see T's. Soup

[FourRedheads]

Good job emailing your T!

[stopdog]

I think the t will be fine with it. I think it is good you took care of yourself by emailing about going back.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by stopdog

How would a therapist ever enforce that rule? They may have a preference, but it is not like you have to follow it. I was told by one I saw about ten years ago that I could not just quit, and she was wrong - I could and did.

Of coarse he cannot enforce it. Most rules cant be enforced without using actual physical force...
It is a rule we've both agreed upon. He cannot and wont just quit on me so cannot I.

[stopdog]

I am sort of surprised to hear others reactions to the t telling them they cannot just quit or t telling you it is inappropriate. That kind of thing on the part of a t just pisses me off. It would not make me do things differently except to find a new one. That is just me, I am not saying anyone else should react my way. Just that I am surprised.