[BlessedRhiannon]

Not sure if this needs a trigger warning or not...no reference to anything graphic, but I'd rather be safe than cause someone upset in talking about anxiety and depression.



I'm worried, and I need to get my thoughts out somewhere that I can get some feedback, rather than just writing in my journal.

I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. It's been really, really bad three distinct times in my life. I've been dealing with a lot of difficult things lately, lots of things that have been causing high levels of anxiety. For me, anxiety leads to depression, depression leads to other really bad things.

Last session, my T and I talked a little bit about how I'm scared that I'm slipping back in to a depression. I think it's very early stages, and I kinda down played the symptoms, mostly, I think because I was trying to convince myself that I'm not going down that road again. Depression terrifies me...been there done that, managed to survive, barely. I'm noticing more and more symptoms, though, and starting to worry more and more. I absolutely refuse to bother my T on the weekends unless it's super urgent, but at the same time, I'd really like to hear her voice and just get a little reassurance. I'm totally safe right now, just worried and want to hear from someone that I'll be okay!

My problem is, I'm working on some hard stuff in therapy right now, and I really don't want to get side tracked by a burgeoning depression. I know I should pay attention to these symptoms now, so that they don't get worse, but part of me just wants to ignore it and hope it goes away, so I can continue to focus on what I'm currently working on. It's taken me so long to get to this point in therapy, and I don't want to get sidetracked. Plus, I'm not sure if these symptoms are really all that serious, or if my fear of depression is magnifying them. Maybe I'm seeing things as worse than they are. Maybe this isn't the beginning of another depressive cycle, and it's just a natural emotional reaction to things that have been going on in my life. But, I don't know, and I'm afraid to talk about it with my T! I trust my T and feel safe talking about it with her, I'm just afraid of my own reactions. I'm just really not sure what to do. I know I SHOULD talk to my T about this in the next session at the very least, I just don't want to.

[SoupDragon]

Hi, I suffer from similar symptoms and have had a week of feeling slightly better, like I can loosen my grip a little. But I have experienced some changes the last few days and like you describe I get terrified of going back to that dark place, which then kicks off my anxiety.

Do you know what helped you before with your depression? Are there some things you could do that may help? Exercise, good food, rest, being with people etc..?

Also it does sound likea good idea to talk to your T - if you are working through some difficult stuff, it sounds like it would be important for your T to know how you are doing. Do you know what it is that is making it hard for you to share with T?

I know for me my thoughts can get a little twisted at times and there is a bit of me that kicks in to keep things secret, when another part of me knows the very best thing is to talk to T.

Let us know how you get on - Soup

[sorrel]

How does depression feel, for you? What scares you the most?

Remember, depressions can vary in length of time. As I recover, my more intense episodes are less long. It helps me knowing that 'this is not forever', and so I can be with the pain and distress more gently.

I have continued to go to therapy and talk about how the depression felt. It was linked to the work also, its always there, sometimes more mananagable then others. But for me stopping waiting for depression to go was pointless, trying to understand the depression was the way forward.

I always tell T how I'm doing that week, what's been going on, how up or down I'm feeling. Full disclosure, lol. I think it's important to keep T updated, maybe she can advise you on how to navigate the problem. It doesn't mean it necessarily has to shift focus from what you've been working on...
Good luck (And try not to worry too much )

[BlessedRhiannon]

Thank you all for the replies. I really want to say more, but I just can't right now. Having a real problem engaging in things and it's frustrating me! I'm going to try writing in my journal for a bit.

Some quick answers to the questions asked...

Do you know what helped you before with your depression? Are there some things you could do that may help? Exercise, good food, rest, being with people etc..?

Last time, I made major life changes, which kinda jolted me out of depression...quit my job, moved to another state, etc. This time, though, that's not really an option, and not something I want to do. Yes, being with people can help, spending lots of time with my dogs, rest, writing in my journal, those are all helpful too.

Do you know what it is that is making it hard for you to share with T?

Fear. For me, saying something out loud to someone else makes it really real. If I don't admit that I'm feeling the onset of depression, then it's not real. If I share this with my T, it becomes real, and I have to actually deal with it.

How does depression feel, for you? What scares you the most?

For me - it's an emotional and physical retreat from the world around me. I get lost in my own world and try to stop participating in the rest of the world. What scares me the most - becoming suicidal again.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

Fear. For me, saying something out loud to someone else makes it really real. If I don't admit that I'm feeling the onset of depression, then it's not real. If I share this with my T, it becomes real, and I have to actually deal with it.

Just wanted to say thanks for your post. I totally identify with the part I quoted above. Maybe, probably, admiting it won't be as bad as you think
and you can tell your t your not sure. sometimes it helps me to get out of my head by putting stuff in words on here too. I hope it helps for you.

[DelusionsDaily]

I too suffer from depression and I have learned that trying to push it away/not admit it out loud doesnt make the depression any less there than it is. And I can choose to say something and get the help I need before it gets bad or suffer even more waiting for whatever help I do get once it gets bad enough to work and lift the depression. For me my depressive episodes get too bad to wait in hopes that its not real or will go away on its own. Now I dont dimish the fact that it hard to say it(the full truth about what your experiencing) but in all reality saying something wil...in the long run only benefit you, and not saying something will and not getting help will only keep you in your suffering. I hope you find the COURAGE to speak the truth about your depression to your T.

I have a tendency to write very bluntly and I apologize if this is one of those. But I also only said exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. It's been really, really bad three distinct times in my life. I've been dealing with a lot of difficult things lately, lots of things that have been causing high levels of anxiety. For me, anxiety leads to depression, depression leads to other really bad things.

On my way out of depression, I tried not to take any medication, but it was a comfort to know that it was there.

Medication can't cure me, but it means I can keep working and won't hurt my family. And when Summer comes, I can try again.