[scorpiosis37]

So I saw T today and the session was great. I left feeling good. However, I realized afterwards that she didn't say anything like "have a great birthday!" My birthday is in a few days and my next session with her is the day after. If she forgets to ask me how my birthday was-- if she makes no mention of it whatsoever-- I will be very hurt. We did not mention my upcoming birthday this session, however, I did meniton it last week. Last week I told her that I was not looking forward to it because I always get really excited about my birthday and then am disappointed when it doesn't live up to my expectations. I told her that my 3 best friends were all going to be out of town, so I had nothing planned for the day itself (though I did have plans for when they returned). T told me to make plans for the day itself and said we would talk about it next week-- next week was today, and neither of us brought it up. (I forgot too). However, I did make plans-- my other friends will be taking me out and I am looking forward to that. However, it means a lot to me that T remembers and acknowledges my birthday. I have no expectation that she will get me a card or do anything special; that's just not how she operates. However, I do have the expectation that she remember and say "happy birthday." Is my expectation unreasonable? If she forgets, should I tell her that her forgetting hurts my feelings? Because I see her as maternal and view my relationship with her as "corrective" for the parenting I did (and did not) have as a child, things like this make a big difference to me. I know my own family is not going to make me feel "special" on my birthday-- so I want T to make me feel that way. I know that isn't fair to her... however, I do think it's reasonable (given everything I've told her about my birthdays in the past) that she be sensitive and at least welcome me with a "Happy Birthday! I hope you had a great day." Is there anything I can do between now and then to minimize my risk of being hurt? I could see this causing a rupture and I really can't afford that right now!

Love & Hugs,
Scorpio

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

However, I do have the expectation that she remember and say "happy birthday." Is my expectation unreasonable? If she forgets, should I tell her that her forgetting hurts my feelings?

I don't recall my T ever mentioning my birthday. I never expected it.

Do you remember her birthday?

[scorpiosis37]

I would not expect T to remember on her own, if I never said anything. However, because I brought it up-- I said last week: "I'm really worried about being disappointed on my birthday. It will hurt me if people don't remember"-- because I said that, I do have the expectation that she will remember. During that conversation, T also told me when her birthday is. It is not for several months, but now that I know when it is, I will remember. I have already decided on making her a hand drawn card.

[roadtrip]

You can minimize the risk of you being hurt by clearly stating your desires to your T. Tell her that your birthday is next week and that you want her to acknowledge it in some way like by saying Happy Birthday. Tell her flat out that it is important to you that she does it, instead of hoping she does it based on what she could deduce from your past session. I suggest being so frank as a way to aviod a rupture as you say that is not what you want to deal with now.

Sure it would be great if she read bewteen the lines, and responded as you hope. Then if she did she cared if she didn't her care is in question. The theraputic relationship is different then typical social relationships and the reasonable expections of friends. That is not to say it is unreasonabl for you to want to hear happy B day. Why put yourself though that tell her it's important to you for HER to say happy birthday. It sounds like it could be an interesting conversation about feelings of being special and where those gernerate. Hope that helps.

[scorpiosis37]

Roadtrip- Thanks for your response. I hear what you're saying. I WAS planning on saying something to T today, but I forgot. So, unfortunately, I don't have the opportunity to talk to T until my session, which is after my birthday. Now I'm limited to things I can do on my own to diffuse my own feelings.

[roadtrip]

Oh I didn't know if you contact T between sessions. What makes you remember that you are special? Whatever those things are maybe you can do those things or maybe even just remember times that you have felt special or think of in great detail how it would feel if you haven't. Also I find volunteering or helping another person with a problem or challenge makes me feel better when I'm down. I'm not T but happy early Birthday, yeah I know not the same but really I hope it is happy for you

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by roadtrip

Sure it would be great if she read bewteen the lines, and responded as you hope.

Therapists are often very careful not to read betweeen the lines. Part of therapy is an implicit assertiveness training. T will sometimes give you what you want, but you have to ask for it. And be explicit as you can.

I guess this is what I mean about Ts teaching skills. The lessons are there, but they are not always spelt out. It might be better if T did spell it out, though. Otherwise neither of you is speaking clearly and you won't connect.

Eg T: "I sense you want more from me, but I'm having trouble working out what it is. In general, I'd like you to ask for what you want. It will make our relationship richer, and it is a good habit in real life too."