my T wants me to work on my negative moods. the moods that hold me back from doing things and trying new things. the ones that make me believe i cannot succeed and that my life is hopeless.

granted, there are a lot of problems that complicate my life. the problems overwhelm me. and, i am lost about what to do about them. i do make efforts but usually settle for stopgap fixes / distractions, e.g., buying myself something.

somehow, the T believes that i can have workable relationships with others even though my parents emotionally abused, neglected and were too strict with me, and i never bonded with them in healthy ways. i avoid all romantic relationships because i was denied nuturing by my parents - i just don't understand them on a very basic level.

and, i was raised by a moody mother and aunt who, unfortunately, am similar to them in that respect. for some strange reason, i always have to feel the time is right to do something. i want to learn to just do things without emotions and moods getting in my way. but, i don't want to be a robot either. i guess i want to be more motivated to have a life. i can't seem to see my way through this especially as i don't like my life circumstances much at all - they are very, very difficult and it seems like i am always fighting myself.

any thoughts or comments?

[Ygrec23]

Have you ever tried (I mean really tried) to picture yourself in a sequence of different happy situations? Happy for you, not necessarily for anyone else? Forgetting about getting there, just being transformed into a happy situation? As many different ones as you can think of?

If you do that, if you can get comfortable with the idea of being in a happy situation, if it starts to feel like something you can "own," something that can be a real part of you, then turning around and looking backwards for a bridge from where you are now (looking from this optimal, future state back towards the present) may make the building of that bridge easier than you find it now to build a road to the future.

Have you travelled much? Should you travel more? Sometimes just wrenching yourself out of familiar surroundings and putting yourself into very, very different places helps you loosen the rusty socket you're in right now. A tour of decrepit industry in Cleveland and/or Detroit? An investigation of Indian reservations in Arizona or New Mexico? Viet Namese fishing villages in Louisana? Labrador? Coal mines in Appalachia? Maybe you get the idea.

Volunteering with people very, very much worse off than you are? Veterans hospitals? With developmentally disabled people? With the most seriously mentally ill? A different perspective, at the very least.

You're stuck in a groove. Sometimes, for some of us, talking to T gets us out (don't ask me, I may be stuck there too). For others it isn't enough. The change of perspectives has to be more radical. There are literally a million ways to do that. I'm sure you can think up thousands on your own.

Getting out of your lifelong groove. Free. Free to remake yourself as you wish. As you think best. There is no law that insists you must remain as you are. No one outside yourself, even the ghosts of your parents or quasi-parents, can set down rules for you to follow. You really are free. You may not feel that way but it's so. The chains that bind you, as you yourself know all too well, are in your head. I apologize for reiterating that tired old hackneyed idea. Unfortunately, it's still as true as it ever was.

I wish you all the very best.

[blondemom]

I've gone through similar things where it seems like my emotions are controlling my decisions (usually in bad ways). The only helpful thing I can say is that learning to separate feelings from my decision processes is the best thing, but still a challenge. It's difficult to find a balance. My tendency is to go from one extreme to the other (all emotions on or all emotions off). So what I TRY to do that seems to work the best is stay in touch with my feelings and acknowledge them and tell myself it's okay to feel that way, but to not let my emotions control me. Remember you are not your feelings. They don't define you. Just because you may feel like--for example--a failure, doesn't mean you're a failure. So ignoring your feelings will definitely cause problems, so stay in touch with them, but take a step back from emotions when making decisions. Good luck.

[learning1]

I'm identifying with what you wrote too, uhg. It's confusing because to get over depression, I think you're supposed to do more of what you authentically feel like doing, but what I immediately, authentically feel like is often not what any common sense would say is good for me. Like eating too much instead of going for a walk. And for most of us, there's plenty we HAVE to do whether we want to or not. No one will say to break the status quo and do what you feel like to the extent that you break your current habits and routines that work- hygiene, showing up to whatever obligations you have, etc. Maybe you could ask your t how to figure out the balance and then come fill us all in.

IDK, I think stopgap fixes are probably good if they don't cause other problems. If you can't afford to be buying yourself something, or if you can't afford to be eating too much, they aren't the best fixes. Going for walks or whatever kind of exercise you can do is probably good. It forces you to pay more attention to what's going on around you. Unless you already do that a lot. Ygrec's suggestion of traveling usually helps me too, except if I was out of work I wouldn't be able to afford to travel. I think an environmentally friendly "trip" on foot to a part of your town/woods/field/city/wherever-you-live that you don't usually go to can help. I like riding the local public bus for entertainment and a different view than I usually get once in a while. (That's since I don't live in a place where I normally can ride it anymore.)

I have become moody sometimes like my Mom. Couples t helped me realize it. I know I don't want to be mean and loose my temper at people like she did. I'm glad I'm trying to change it and not doing it to kids (since I don't have any) like she did. It totally sucks to see that in myself. But better to see it and fix it I hope. I guess you aren't doing that to others since you're single, but I wonder if you're doing it to yourself.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy is kind of helping me with sort of problem that you describe, Unhappyguy. They teach skills that can help with this kind of stuff-in a structured setting. It works- Of course along with some effective mood stabilizers.