I think since I saw my T twice a week for so many years, it's hard for me to adjust to once a week. I'm really USED to seeing him every 3 or so days. There was a time when I couldn't have done once a week, and I really AM glad that that's all I feel like I "need" now...but it's still hard to adjust. It feels LONG sometimes, no matter how busy and full my life is.

We have contact between sessions, though, even if it's just me e-mailing to say "are you there" and him e-mailing back to say he IS there. And that helps, a LOT.

So. Because of Thanksgiving, I saw him for a regular 90 minute session, had an 11 day break and then saw him for 50 mins (we usually do 90 but we couldn't find a time that would work, and he had to come into work an hour early on a day he wasn't even going to be in the office to have the session) and now we're in the middle of the 7 days between that session and my next session. 50 minutes of T in 18 days is way way way less than I'm used to, and it's starting to feel kind of hard.

And...I e-mailed him Saturday and basically just said I needed to connect...and I still haven't heard from him. THIS is what I hate about the therapy relationship. I have no way of calling and just saying "hey! are you there? is everything okay? where have you been?". I just sit here and wait.

I know T would reply if he saw it, but when he "disappears" it's triggering for me. Not horrible, awful, spirally triggery...but just kind of sad and confused triggery.

I totally get that it's a busy time of year, he's probably really busy, etc., etc. And I totally wish I could just have that little bit of connection.

Friday still feels REALLY far away.

[rainbow_rose]

(((treehouse)))

[roads]

Hey, tree. Vent away. I can hear the unfamiliar stuff you're dealing with. Bad enough you're transitioning to this new mtg schedule with your T--but to have it come over these holiday weeks when things are so out of sync anyway is a very unpleasant Right/Left Punch!

I know what you mean about having to just sit & wait when you don't get that callback. I've fantasized about jumping in the truck & going over to T's house (like I knew when it was) & saying, "Hey, what's up? You were s'posed to call me, dude. Who you think you are, leaving me hangin'?"

Yeah. That's what I'd say. You gotta love fantasies, right? But in real life, it's just sad. Lonely.

You'll hear from him, though. Friday will get here. You'll work thru it. It's hard work & it can still hurt--but you are getting better. Wow ...

Roadrunner

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Tree ))))

I see T 3x/week....twice for individual therapy and once in group....and there have been times when I've gone a couple weeks without seeing him...and I hate that feeling of disconnect. Even though you know you can hold onto the goodness of the relationship and that time doesn't impact that bond...it still feels like it creates a kind of distance....which sux.

I hope your T session is here before you know it....(( HUGS ))

Woke up in the middle of the night with "I am done with therapy" in my head. I love T, I appreciate T, AND the attachment is too stupid and painful sometimes. I'm not REALLY going to quit, but I kind of hate being in therapy. Blah. Of course, I can't even tell him that, because he's disappeared.

Stupid T.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Woke up in the middle of the night with "I am done with therapy" in my head. I love T, I appreciate T, AND the attachment is too stupid and painful sometimes. I'm not REALLY going to quit, but I kind of hate being in therapy. Blah. Of course, I can't even tell him that, because he's disappeared.

Stupid T.

ACK! I hate those moments....I have talked to T about those moments, and we know it's the surge of feelings - whether it be pain, envy, anger, shame, etc. - that creates that "I never want to go back to T ever again!" feeling.

Sometimes therapy just SUX.....even if it's a rewarding, loving journey....

[doogie]

Tree - I get it. I really, really, do. Especially the wanting to call and be like "what's up everything ok?" I get frustrated because of the boundaries of the relationship and because sometimes it feels like T holds all the cards and I have no say. Just like emailing/not emailing back. Like you, I know if I email my T and ask if she is there or safe or whatever she will get back to me when she can, but the waiting or the silence is very triggering and it sends me to a "See, this is proof she really doesn't care" place. I haven't figured it out yet for myself, but wanted to say I get what you are saying. I really, really do.

I think the worse thing about this type of thing, and yes I've been there a zillion times in one way or another, isn't that someone hasn't replied or whatever, its that we abandon ourselfs. A lot of us grew up not every finding that internal reference and we repeat the abandoment we experienced. If you could find a quite place and reasure yourself that there are plenty of examples of your T's caring and if you could only take back what you are "giving away" at this moment then suddenly its like magic, you get that "filled" up feeling and T is back where he belongs safely and you are too and the relationship reappears inside of you.

Easier said then done I know, but sometimes I just neededthat reminder that I was actually making the situation worse by my own emotional abandoment.