[mixedup_emotions]

I went to group T tonight, and one of the newer members deals with aggression and anger issues....and spoke of not being affected by physical confrontation and feeling comfortable with engaging in it.

Some people reacted to him in fear....or discomfort....

Typically, I would feel that way too, considering how my parents were physically abusive to me...and being a (BLECH) victim of multiple CSA's, etc.

Yet, tonight, I felt a surge of energy at the idea of just beating something to oblivion.....I felt evil....

I would never think in a million years to physically hurt a person....so it scared me that I felt energized by the fantasy.....

....On the flip side of that, I also imagined how doing that would result in that throbbing numbness after a physical injury....and I related that to when I used to SI...and began to crave it....



Since I'm delving into trauma work right now in T, I'm wondering if this is all related....

Can anyone relate?

[CantExplain]

My T says everyone has a dark side.

[stopdog]

There are times when I wish someone would jump me or do something to justify me beating them to a pulp. I have never actually struck any one in my life - but there are times when I wish someone would do something so I could justifiably react in a violent manner.

[pbutton]

Let's see... CSA survivor, feeling evil, can I relate? Yep.

[KazzaX]

Yeah I have rage issues and I get that feeling quite regularly. I know what you mean when you said you felt energised and evil and stuff .. definitely!! I find if you keep thinking about it, the energy and evilness escalates and you start to be tempted to actually act it out.. feels awesome but its not good!! It's like you are feeding the beast. So instead I try to think more about the horrible jail sentence I would end up with and eventually that sort of spoils the fantasy and brings you back down to the planet earth.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for the responses....I am feeling a little better today, thankfully.

I don't actually want to physically harm anyone...just the idea of releasing anger and aggression...maybe I should take up boxing...

...or learn how to express anger in a more healthy way, instead of swallowing it.

[missbelle]

LOL......not really funny though or maybe it is.....I have this neighbor down the hall..well I always fantise(sp) what it would be like to knock her block off and much worse.......She is an evil demented old lady and at times it would give me great pleasure to slug her in the head........I think all of us feel that way about people in general or specific people at times.....but we don't act on it do we?

[skysblue]

Rage is scary and can be destructive if not attended to. We all have that potential for violence. Anyone who thinks they're immune is more dangerous than the person who recognizes that potential in themselves.

I think it's really really important to pay attention to those feelings and try to process them somehow with T. If they're pushed aside or buried or given less conscious attention than they need, they could explode one day and cause real damage.

I know. It happened to me. I never hurt anyone physically (thank God) but my unacknowledged rage exploded and almost ruined my life (actually it did ruin my life for some time)

[mtnview]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Thanks for the responses....I am feeling a little better today, thankfully.

I don't actually want to physically harm anyone...just the idea of releasing anger and aggression...maybe I should take up boxing...

...or learn how to express anger in a more healthy way, instead of swallowing it.

Exactly. "Swallowing" your anger, as you know, is a little like resentment. There's an old maxim about resentment that always makes me chuckle:

"Resentment is like swallowing poison, and waiting for the other person to die."

Our warrior spirit, shared by both men and women, demands our attention. It can speak to us in imaginal violence, but that doesn't necessarily mean that we need or want to go out and mug someone. Unless you have sociopathic tendencies, or these dark impulses become an obsession, you need not fear those fleeting thoughts that you judge to be inappropriate.

In fact, dark impulses like those you describe are quite common. I'll give you an example.

When I was a young father, our 2 month old son suffered from colic, which is a condition common in many infants that present as idiopathic (of unknown source) pains in the stomach area.

There's not much a parent can do, although there are some medical treatments of questionable efficacy offered.

Colic is accompanied by constant crying, sometime for hours. It's a heart-breaking situation for a parent, and is also most frustrating.

After a couple of weeks of colic, I began having fantasies of holding my son by the legs, and putting his head under water in the toilet bowl.

Now that's a horrible thought. At the time, I remember feeling very guilty about that impulse. After all, how could a caring father come up with such a cruel idea?

Well, the crux of the matter is that I never acted on that impulse (and never felt it again when either of my other sons had the same problems.) It gives me something to laugh about now, but at the time, I was profoundly disturbed by this impulsive thought.

Why did I have it? I don't really know, but I do know that i was under a lot of stress from worrying about his colic, and from being a new father. It does change your life.

That's my story, but let me speak of men in general. Many men, early in their adult emotional development, have one primary feeling -- anger. Yes, this is dysfunction, but quite common in today's male, who is understandably confused about his role in society for a bushel basket full of reasons.

These men need to stop and learn to feel again. Only through careful self-study can one mature to experience the wide spectrum of emotions accessible within the human condition.

Yet, anger should be dealt with and not eaten. Physical exercise is an excellent channel for anger (it's also good for your heart, and the endorphins generated through 30 minutes of aerobic exercise help give you a sense of well being for the rest of the day.) When I was younger, I went jogging -- it's an inexpensive sport that requires a small investment in good shoes. Now that I'm older, I swim for 20 minutes a couple of times a week -- more in the summer. Talking with a caring friend, or with the right therapist can also reduce anger-inducing stress. Experiment and discover what's right for you.

And relax. You are not a bad person for harboring a violent thought. We all have them. Remember, we don't have to act on any of the thoughts we experience. This is a true sign of emotional maturity.

peace.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, skysblue.....I am definitely going to bring it up during my T session tomorrow. T asked me to make a mental note of where we left off on Monday....and I have...but I do feel it's important to address this in the interim.

I would've had an opportunity to explore it in group T if I would've voiced what I was feeling in the moment (the whole purpose of gestalt therapy), but I was too scared. My fear wasn't so much in addressing it as it was that I didn't want it to lead to a connection to past trauma, as I have not shared that in group T - yet. It's a step I just haven't been able to bring myself to take. I would much rather do that work in individual therapy.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by mtnview

Exactly. "Swallowing" your anger, as you know, is a little like resentment. There's an old maxim about resentment that always makes me chuckle:

"Resentment is like swallowing poison, and waiting for the other person to die."

Our warrior spirit, shared by both men and women, demands our attention. It can speak to us in imaginal violence, but that doesn't necessarily mean that we need or want to go out and mug someone. Unless you have sociopathic tendencies, or these dark impulses become an obsession, you need not fear those fleeting thoughts that you judge to be inappropriate.

In fact, dark impulses like those you describe are quite common. I'll give you an example.

When I was a young father, our 2 month old son suffered from colic, which is a condition common in many infants that present as idiopathic (of unknown source) pains in the stomach area.

There's not much a parent can do, although there are some medical treatments of questionable efficacy offered.

Colic is accompanied by constant crying, sometime for hours. It's a heart-breaking situation for a parent, and is also most frustrating.

After a couple of weeks of colic, I began having fantasies of holding my son by the legs, and putting his head under water in the toilet bowl.

Now that's a horrible thought. At the time, I remember feeling very guilty about that impulse. After all, how could a caring father come up with such a cruel idea?

Well, the crux of the matter is that I never acted on that impulse (and never felt it again when either of my other sons had the same problems.) It gives me something to laugh about now, but at the time, I was profoundly disturbed by this impulsive thought.

Why did I have it? I don't really know, but I do know that i was under a lot of stress from worrying about his colic, and from being a new father. It does change your life.

That's my story, but let me speak of men in general. Many men, early in their adult emotional development, have one primary feeling -- anger. Yes, this is dysfunction, but quite common in today's male, who is understandably confused about his role in society for a bushel basket full of reasons.

These men need to stop and learn to feel again. Only through careful self-study can one mature to experience the wide spectrum of emotions accessible within the human condition.

Yet, anger should be dealt with and not eaten. Physical exercise is an excellent channel for anger (it's also good for your heart, and the endorphins generated through 30 minutes of aerobic exercise help give you a sense of well being for the rest of the day.) When I was younger, I went jogging -- it's an inexpensive sport that requires a small investment in good shoes. Now that I'm older, I swim for 20 minutes a couple of times a week -- more in the summer. Talking with a caring friend, or a the right therapist can also reduce anger-inducing stress. Experiment and discover what's right for you.

And relax. You are not a bad person for harboring a violent thought. We all have them.

peace.

Thanks, mtnview, for sharing....it helps a lot.

I too have a daughter who was colicky and had reflux....so I can very much relate to the frustration and emotional pain that it brings to parents. I can imagine how disturbing that thought was, and am so glad that you were able to work through it and make peace with yourself about it. That's scary!!

Last week after T, I backed my car out of the parking space and some guy was right up by my driver's side window, was gesturing for me to roll my window down. It took me a moment to realize that it wasn't a good thing to comply with his request, and I shouted "no" and sped off. I was fully prepared to run him over if I needed to. That kind of shocked me, though I was relieved when he stepped away.

And I'm a parent, too, and recall when my son was a toddler, imagining putting his head through the wall. Would his feet stick straight out, I wondered, or would they flop down?

Oh, and I sometimes totally blow up at my kid-- I'm not a screamer or even necessarily a yeller, but I'm a raise-your-voice-and-talk-all-stern-and-lecturey for far longer than is really necessary, repeating myself for emphasis.

And I was in T one day, when my T didn't give me the reaction I wanted, and I started scanning his office for sharp objects (surprisingly, not finding anything), sure I would plunge it between his eyes.

I also identify with beating the carp out of someone, and random surges of anger for things that don't necessarily justify the intensity of my response. They are fewer and far between these days, so maybe that means something.

We all know that feeling anger and acting on that feeling in irresponsible or dangerous ways are different things. Anger is a legitimate feeling when you don't get your needs met, or when someone mistreats you in some way. My task has always been to try to figure out how I can be accepting and open to feeling my anger, without acting on it in destructive ways.

Anne