This past week, I returned to T.

T said he was glad to see me and then he said something which caught me off guard.

We were talking about how I left therapy in September and returned one week in October to meet with him. In our October meeting, I told T, I thought he was wrong. I thought he had made a mistake.

I saw T weekly. Our second session in September, we met and he began the session by saying, he was irritated with me. He said it was because I had sent him an email and "expected" a response. I HAD sent the email after an incredibly difficult week.( We had an agreement I could email him anytime and he would respond when he was able. I usually emailed him a couple of times a month. I never asked for a response. Sometimes, he replied and sometimes, he did not. His last reply had been in in early July.) I had not asked for one.

T scared me and I left.

When I returned in October, I asked T if there was a slight chance he could have been irritated with himself, instead of me. He acknowledged he had been under a tremendous amount of pressure because of another issue (unrelated to me). He said he hadn't even thought of that until then. He apologized to me and asked me to return. A part of me still needed a break.

T said I was brave to return in October and meet with him. He also said I returned to "set him straight".

At first, I thought he was joking. I asked if he really believed that was true, and he shook his head, and said "Yes. AND. You were RIGHT!"

That is HUGE for me. HUGE.

I told T that, I KNEW, somehow in the midst of T #1 terminating me, I lost myself. I trusted him (T#1), more than I trusted ME (and my own instincts). He was the professional. He was the expert. I blamed me because HE blamed me. (Later, T#2 said my first T refused to see the bad parts of himself...and they were friends! At the time, I didn't understand what she meant. I do now)

Anyway, in September, when current T and I had the rupture, I did it again.

T reminded me to ALWAYS listen to my inner voice and be curious about what is being said. He made me feel SO smart.

I really can trust myself again!

Sigh.

I LOVE my T.

I love that he is more concerned about my well being, than his own.

I cherish my relationship with him, even with it's (sometimes, silly and stupid) limitations.

I hope I can hold onto all of the positive feelings I feel in this moment.

I T.

[stopdog]

That is great. I wish mine would admit she made a mistake.

[unaluna]

That IS great, lost. Hey stopdog,
1. what exactly does your T say about this mistake?
2. Is this likely ever to get resolved?
3. Is there something she expects you to "learn" before she will give in, like when I had to learn that "other people are important, too!" before I could "win" a speech at my Dale Carnegie classes?
4. Do you talk about what it would mean for you to give in?
5. Is your therapy able to proceed without this being resolved?
6. Is she aware of how big an issue it is for you?
Sorry I'm being so nosy, you just work so hard at this, hanging out here, etc, I don't know if these questions help at this point, you know you totally don't have to answer them.

[likewater]

Lost, you are very brave. I give both you and your T kudos. i fired my T and we worked it out too. It feels good to be able to set things straight.

[CantExplain]

Yes, my T has admitted a mistake or two.

[SoupDragon]

Well done - you should feel really proud of yourself - Soup

It is SO healing and empowering when we are able to trust our own instincts, and because you were so brave and T was so honest, you found out that you *can* trust yourself. That is huge!

My T is very good about listening to my side of the story and thinking about his part in things. I vividly remember the first time I brought something up that T had done that upset me. It was so scary to say it, but T thought about it and agreed that I was right. He said "I was a bad therapist that day!" and joked about it a little, but also sincerely apologized too, and worked to make it right. That went a long, long, LONG way towards me building trust in him and in myself. I always think of that session as the day my therapy *really* started.

Good for you for trusting yourself and being brave.

[CantExplain]

Realising that T was wrong and confronting him is part of the healing process. Well done!

This is a skill that will pay dividends outside therapy, too.

Originally Posted by lost in termination

I love that he is more concerned about my well being, than his own.

Maybe it's that owning up to a mistake and being honest with others about that is actually good for you (i.e. T) too.

Anne

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Realising that T was wrong and confronting him is part of the healing process. Well done!

This is a skill that will pay dividends outside therapy, too.

I think you are right! I feel empowered.

When T#1 terminated, I did confront him, too, except the outcome was very different than this one. T#1 refused to see his part.

I went back a second time, hoping for more answers and at the recommendation of my second T. This time T#1 said, he terminated me because he was protecting himself. (So in essence, he was being honest but he didn't elaborate) I understood him to say, he was protecting himself from me! Really, he was protecting himself from HIM.

That was along time ago. Four years. I am JUST NOW ( the last few months) getting to this place of understanding and acceptance. I have self-blamed for a very long time.

T asked me last week if I felt stronger? He said he notices strength in me, he hasn't seen before now.

I think for the first time in a VERY.LONG. TIME. I do feel like I am getting my life back.

Thanks again.

Originally Posted by treehouse

It is SO healing and empowering when we are able to trust our own instincts, and because you were so brave and T was so honest, you found out that you *can* trust yourself. That is huge!

My T is very good about listening to my side of the story and thinking about his part in things. I vividly remember the first time I brought something up that T had done that upset me. It was so scary to say it, but T thought about it and agreed that I was right. He said "I was a bad therapist that day!" and joked about it a little, but also sincerely apologized too, and worked to make it right. That went a long, long, LONG way towards me building trust in him and in myself. I always think of that session as the day my therapy *really* started.

Good for you for trusting yourself and being brave.

Thanks Tree. I agree with your comment about defining moments in therapy. I feel that, too.

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

Maybe it's that owning up to a mistake and being honest with others about that is actually good for you (i.e. T) too.

Anne

I've thought about this alot, actually. I think that may be part of it. IDK? I told T afterwards, that during the rupture I felt like whatever "it" was, wasn't worth the fight. In the moment, I thought T could be "irritated" with me if he wished, I wasn't going to do anything to change his mind. I was just hoping to survive.

I think "it" may have been control?

It was only after I was able to take a few steps back that I realized, I HAD to go back and ask. It just didn't make sense, otherwise.