[CantExplain]

Since the last session, I'd felt there was some kind of barrier between me and T. Today I realised that the barrier was anger that I hadn't expressed.

I told T that I was angry that therapy had been so painful, and in my heart I blamed her for that. "You left me to cry when I needed you to hug me." We both knew I was speaking metaphorically. She said, "I couldn't hug you because you were always running away from me."

I don't know if I accept this, but my anger was out in the open and I had been heard, so the barrier was dissolved.

Later on I told her, "I'm looking at you with my heart. You are a very beautiful woman." She got all blushing and bashful about that, which is very rare.

We talked about my need to be in control, and for the first time we agreed on a hypothesis that might account for it. For the first few years of my life, my mother adored me and gave me everything I wanted. Then she withdrew and imposed a discipline instead. That left me feeling helpless and unloved, and I have been angry and controlling ever since.

We talked about the Christmas break and her operation next year. I broke it down in three parts:

1. Being parted from her. I expected to upset about this for a week.

2. Her absence for many weeks. I've coped with this before. I told her about the idea I'd seen here, that in T's absence I will reap the rewards of therapy without being under the pressure of doing more therapy.

3. The possibility that she might die. I told her I had a plan for that, and I can face almost anything if I have a plan (control!). My plan was to grieve, and six months later to seek out a male therapist. I said I didn't expect to be welcome at the funeral. "You would be." That was a surprise. My plan was to put a memorial notice in the paper.

TIme's up, but I still had someting left to say.

Me: "In the almost impossible eventuality that you might be dying with no one to hold your hand, call me. I'll be there."

T: "You have a good son in you."

I'd been crying for several minutes, but I would have cried at this anyway. This is about as close as anyone has ever got to saying, "You are a good son." Certainly my mother never said it.

I asked for (and recieved) a hug. We don't usually hug. A long, tearful hug, which broiught us back to the start of the session.

THIS IS HOW I SHOULD HAVE PARTED WITH MY MOTHER.

Sorry, Mum, I didn't know how. You never taught me.

That is some amazing work. No wonder it feels good.

Anne

[CantExplain]

Even better session today!

I didn't really want to talk about the group, because:
1. My time with T is valuable and I didn't want to waste it on those plonkers.
2. I was afraid she would be disappointed in me.

But what you don't want to talk about is what you most need to talk about, right?
So I told her I was leaving the group, and she said, "I'm not disappointed. I want whatever is right for you."

One of the problems with that group - and this is really nobody's fault - is that there is no one there to look up to (certainly not the facilitator) and no one to look up to me. We all have similar physical and emotional ages. No one to be my parent; no one to be my child.

That got us on to fatherhood and how I was afraid my 14-year-old daughter didn't need me any more. She is so independent. But we agreed that simply being there all the time was my greatest gift to her. It is precisely because I am there to catch her that she can climb so high.

Then we talked about how beautiful T's soul is. Like the quartz crystal on her window sill. "And what about your soul? Can you see how beautiful that is?"

I said my soul was a darker crystal, more like an amethyst. When I came in, years ago, I had a lump of worthless rock and I never believed there might be a beautiful gem inside it. But we chipped away and we found it together.

One last thing: the way I attach to places more strongly than to people. T's office remains unchanged after almost a decade. How comforting that is!

[unaluna]

The myth of the power of the amethyst is that it absorbs booze, so it kept the ancients from getting drunk or hungover or something... I don't know if it's supposed to be purple like wine or what. that's all I know about that kinda stuff!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

The myth of the power of the amethyst is that it absorbs booze, so it kept the ancients from getting drunk or hungover or something... I don't know if it's supposed to be purple like wine or what. that's all I know about that kinda stuff!

My amethyst doesn't get much practice!

Seriously, I just chose it because it is dark without being opaque.

[likewater]

I think the amethyst is the most beautiful of all. It's my birthstone, too. It can range from pale to very dark.

[unaluna]

likewater! I knew I felt a CONNECTION! or is this the wrong thread...

[granite1]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Even better session today!

I didn't really want to talk about the group, because:
1. My time with T is valuable and I didn't want to waste it on those plonkers.
2. I was afraid she would be disappointed in me.

But what you don't want to talk about is what you most need to talk about, right?
So I told her I was leaving the group, and she said, "I'm not disappointed. I want whatever is right for you."

One of the problems with that group - and this is really nobody's fault - is that there is no one there to look up to (certainly not the facilitator) and no one to look up to me. We all have similar physical and emotional ages. No one to be my parent; no one to be my child.

That got us on to fatherhood and how I was afraid my 14-year-old daughter didn't need me any more. She is so independent. But we agreed that simply being there all the time was my greatest gift to her. It is precisely because I am there to catch her that she can climb so high.

Then we talked about how beautiful T's soul is. Like the quartz crystal on her window sill. "And what about your soul? Can you see how beautiful that is?"

I said my soul was a darker crystal, more like an amethyst. When I came in, years ago, I had a lump of worthless rock and I never believed there might be a beautiful gem inside it. But we chipped away and we found it together.

One last thing: the way I attach to places more strongly than to people. T's office remains unchanged after almost a decade. How comforting that is!

i love amethyst.i have a dermal piercing with a butterfly and amethyst in it.and my T has a huge chunk of amethyst on her windowsill.
it sounds like you had a great session and these are the ones that hurt the most i think

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

i love amethyst.i have a dermal piercing with a butterfly and amethyst in it.and my T has a huge chunk of amethyst on her windowsill.
it sounds like you had a great session and these are the ones that hurt the most i think

The beautiful thing is that this session hardly hurt at all. I did my crying and left in a state of bliss.

That's a new thought: crying doesn't hurt!

"Dermal" just means "skin". So where on your body is the butterfly? And how big?

[CantExplain]

Last session of the year.

I'm going to miss her, but parting from her was easy because I've already said everything I wanted to say when I worked through the possibility that she might die. If I'm prepared for her death (as far as anyone can be), then I'm prepared for a four week break.

Thinks: It's unfinished business that makes parting difficult. Things left unsaid for years can't be dealt with in one session!

We talked about a number of things, but what I remember is how good it felt to be with her. She is a very strict and powerful woman, and over the years she has taught me that I can be comfortable with that. It needn't be a threat. I don't have to fight it.

At one point I said, "The room is so full of love there hardly seems room for us."

I am left once again with the idea that T is the woman my mother wanted to be, should have been and perhaps would have been if her parents had raised her better.

[Chopin99]

What a moving, meaningful session! I am happy for you.

[roads]

Several folks are having these mindblowingly wonderful sessions lately. I want in!

I'm so glad you're right in there with them, cantexplain. You're on the receiving end of so much work. Your T's statement about the son in you was for me the plug on my tearducts. A major flood!

I'm just so, so happy for you!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by roadrunnerbeepbeep

Your T's statement about the son in you was for me the plug on my tearducts. A major flood!

I was pretty soggy myself!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

...... It is precisely because I am there to catch her that she can climb so high.....

now this is wisdom. And no wonder I am afraid of heights.
Good job with your daughter, and thanks for the insight.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

That got us on to fatherhood and how I was afraid my 14-year-old daughter didn't need me any more. She is so independent. But we agreed that simply being there all the time was my greatest gift to her. It is precisely because I am there to catch her that she can climb so high.

There were so many wonderful moments in your description, but this one really caught my eye.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

1. My time with T is valuable and I didn't want to waste it on those plonkers

That is what I have felt would be a big disadvantage of having the same T for both individual and group therapy---discussion of what happens in group might begin to invade one's time with one's T and steal that valuable time away from individual therapy. Good for you for standing firm for what you need in therapy and keeping your individual time for you.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

When I came in, years ago, I had a lump of worthless rock and I never believed there might be a beautiful gem inside it. But we chipped away and we found it together.

Sounds like therapy has been a huge success!

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I am left once again with the idea that T is the woman my mother wanted to be, should have been and perhaps would have been if her parents had raised her better.