[hazeleyes]

I'm fighting the demons now and it's soooo hard. I don't want to live, but I have no choice but to keep fighting I'm getting so attached to my T, and at the same time I want to push her away because it's painful to feel the love and still know it's just her job, even if I know how much she cares for me. We're dealing with things from the past and I feel more self-abusive than usual. I want to get drunk, I want to hurt myself, I want to drive fast with my car, I want to take walks in the dark, I want to smoke cigs, I even think of how I could end my life...and it's all driving me insane. In therapy today, we did breathing exercises and I was lying on my back, trying to breath calmly and relax. I was shaking from the inside....I had to open my eyes to see where I was, that I was safe. When T asked me questions about the past....how it felt .... I could feel it slightly but it got so strong I went inside myself, dissociating myself. It's so hard to allow the pain to come forward and maybe this is the only thing that can set me free? T says I need to integrate (? english word) the past with my life now. Because I have tried to forget about my past. Thinking it didn't happen to me. That I didn't belong to my parents and everything that happened. .... The thing that keeps me going now is; I don't want to have lived my past for no reason. I am worth so much more and what's sad is that I have treated myself just as badly as my parents and others have.... I'm about to come clean. I am not the one who should be ashame. I put so much trust and effort into therapy now. I'm letting myself become "addicted" to my T, trusting she can bring me out of it..... It's death...or life. Bare with me please. I feel my purpose is to get thru this, and help others. I'm sorry it's taking me so long.

/hazeleyes

Integration is just remembering what happened long ago while still aware of how you feel and where you are today.

Way to go, Hazeleyes!!!!!!!! I'm proud of you!!!! Keep on this good fight for life! You'll find peace of mind!

(((((((((((((myself)))))))))))))

I understand so much of what your going through. Hang in there!

[Rhapsody]

Dear Hazeleyes, ((((((( HUGS )))))))

Please hang in there and work through the PAIN no matter how hard its presence seems to weigh on your mind and wounded emotions.... for it is in the feeling that you will finally be set FREE.

I was once right where you are now, about 9 years ago, and I can honestly say that it will get easier then more you are willing to face, feel and deal with all the issues that haunt you from within.

FREEDOM will rein and JOY will be yours.... but first you must promise to stay in the fight, the battle for your soul.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[hazeleyes]

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but first you must promise to stay in the fight, the battle for your soul.

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Thank you. And I believe that is the only way (for me) to recover and get my life back. Freedom. Love. Peace. Love is the meaning of life.