Struggling outside of therapy because of therapy.....HELP!

The big problem at the moment is e-mail....I e-mail her out of session but don't always get a reply unless I keep naggingg at her ( what I consider nagging ) and she replies briefly telling me im gonig to make it.......I dont want to nag nor do I mean to...I just want words of wisdom........often in my e-mails I ask questions...questions that go unanswered..........

I wake up in the morning and check my e-mail rarely to find her reply....I cry saying she hates me...I cry saying I'm not important..she has said once before that she can't always reply.....yet....yet I love my T....why why why???? What do I expect my T to do...waht do I want out of therapy? I dont want to stop seeing my T I LOVE her...she's my 4th T and ...and well...She's my favorite.....plz help

Since my therapy began in July with this Therapist I have been more open with my emotions with her then ever before with any other therapist or person on earth. Despite that I have also become so attached that I have hurt myself as well as set my therapist up for failure.

One major problem is my emotions for my T, first it was sexual, she's 45 I 17, despite the age gap I pursued those feelings into a misery ....it hurt me to feel that way for her....

Now those feelings are passing I have found she is a mother to me, a mother that everyone dreams of, a mother you truley love. But this hurts too...

Every session I put expectations for my T up in my head, I make them up like a movie script then when my T fails at saying a part correctly I become upset and cry or get angry...we ( my T and I have spoke about this) She says its setting her up for failure.....and it is....

The biggest problem in therapy is our trust...I completely trust her but how far should this trust go? a Dozen or so Times in therapy since July she has interupted or been interupted by phone calls, someone at the door, etc...this has become a burden...a burden of anger towards her...it has now turned into sadness...At first I said she shouldnt interupt therapy for something but I have to realize she is human and unlike my other past T's i can be open with her...so open that I can tell her this bothers me....

Please Do not flame my T...dont make me sad...I just dont know waht to do......I have however come to the conclusion that she isn't perfect and that I can't expect a miracle out of my T only a miracle from therapy itself.....Despite the phone calls, she has apologized, she lets me e-mail her, and she allows me to be free in therapy.....

The big problem at the moment is e-mail....I e-mail her out of session but don't always get a reply unless I keep naggingg at her ( what I consider nagging ) and she replies briefly telling me im gonig to make it.......I dont want to nag nor do I mean to...I just want words of wisdom........often in my e-mails I ask questions...questions that go unanswered..........

I wake up in the morning and check my e-mail rarely to find her reply....I cry saying she hates me...I cry saying I'm not important....yet I love my T....why why why???? What do I expect my T to do...waht do I want out of therapy? I dont want to stop seeing my T I LOVE her...she's my 4th T and ...and well...She's my favorite.....plz help

You seem to understand the problem. You are setting yourself, and your therapist up for failure. As you said, she is human and things are going to happen that cause her to hurt you unintentionally.

I am learning this lesson myself. You need to stop scripting sessions in your head and expecting her to respond in a certain way - she surely will fail and you will surely be crushed if you expect sessions to play out the way you picture in your head. As I said, I'm struggling with this as well - I have it all sorted in my head - and it never ends up that way. She hardly responds the *exact* way I want. One thing I've learned is to TELL her exactly what I'm expecting. And she can either fulfill that need, or she can gently tell me why it cannot go in that direction. Open and honest communication is key.

You have to understand - that you should not look at her inability to reply to email as a sign of unimportance - but her allowing you TO email shows you ARE important and that she DOES care. She could easily tell you NOT to, but she doesn't. But it may be easier instead of sending several emails, to collectively put together ONE email that has all of your needs/wants/concerns in it so that it makes it easier for her to reply? Maybe call and leave a message when you put one together that is very important and precise and tell her "I just want to let you know I left you an email about ______ I hope you can look at it and get back to me as I feel I addressed some important issues in it." Doing this, tho, does not mean she can automatically run to her computer and read it - but you can atleast rest assured that she KNOWS and will attend to it as soon as she is able.

Take care of YOU. I know therapy and it's process is very emotional and difficult at times. Keep your head up - your therapist definitelly cares about you. Hold on to that knowledge and use it in times of needing her.

no flames... honest.

has the email access been set up as a way to relay urgent things.. like the way i have phone access when i really need my T? or has it been set up as a email-therapy thing? If it hasn't been set up as "extra therapy" then you really can't expect replies to things that aren't urgent. It isn't fair to her right? i mean, she gets paid to do the hour and anything beyond that is up to them, it's their time then.

look, i have a problem of wanting to call T a lot.. but i know it's not appropriate, helpful or good for me... much less being more work for him. So i have this arrangement... he is ok with me leaving messages to my heart's content that dont ask for a return call... and when i really need him he will call back if i ask.

can you do that? can you write letters to her and specifically tell her and yoursefl that you don't need a reply?

the problem is that these needs.. the need to call, the need to email, the need for a response, the need for certain words... need need need... i do it too... they dont go away once you get what you want.. you want it again almost right away.

the only criticism i have of your T is that she replies occasionally.. it's worse really. If you want to train a person to do something you dont reward them everytime, you reward randomly.. like a lotto. i'm sure she meant well.

so, if you understand that this is a problem... you have a good feel for the issue.. then you need to act on it. What could you do differently? You could tell your T exactly what you just told us.. in person, not email You could make an arrangement like i said, and you would only ask for a reply if it were truly urgent, otherwise she would not reply. You could start exploring why you cant accept the things you want when she does give them, why do you need them again and again? That isn't criticism, it's just a suggestion as to something to explore. i mean, if you asked yourself, how much would you need to get from her before you would stop feeling this pressing need... what would that answer look like? WHy?

i hope you figure out a way to calm yourself and feel ok.

Hang in there, you're going through the process. It's okay.

You're working on all this with T and it will take time.

The unanswered questions in the email are something to think about. I think asking questions is your way of keeping you connected in your emails and trying to control (said with a smile, as we ALL do forms of this) whether she replies or not. The question asked, in your mind, means a reply for certain. In truth, a question is up to her to answer or not.. that is, the question is about you; answering it is about her.

You're doing great, Moonkin. Keep up the good work and when things come up, as hard as they are to deal with try to see them as things to look closer at too and see what else is there.

I think the issue of trust and the issue of replying to emails are different.

It takes a lot of time to open, read, think about, reply and send an email. It's not so bad if a T only has one patient, but we all know that isn't the case, right?

I'm glad she allows you to send emails, and maintain contact. You probably need to work on allowing that to be enough, a good contact and informing her of what you are going through at the moment. To expect a reply to emails is going a bit beyond, since she isn't paid for that and might be doing it on her own personal time, you know?



Why not discuss this in session?

((((((((((((( Moonkin )))))))))))))

Youi're doing fine IMHBO (in my humble bear opinion)

((Moonkin))

It sounds like you are in a conflicted place right now. You finally have found a T that you can work with, and the session conditions are not optimal. Arghhhh--that sucks! But it sounds like you are willing to put up with the interruptions because of the successful relationship. It must be very hard to do.

I can understand your frustration about the e-mails. Hmmm. Can you ask T if she could answer a defined number of e-mails between sessions? Say your session is on Monday, maybe one on Wednesday and one on Saturday? That might get you through the week. I know it is very difficult to maintain from week to week with no contact.

Then you can continue to send her e-mails but not have to freak out if she doesn't answer them. Sometimes I call and leave a message telling him something I want him to know but also telling him it's not necessary for him to call me back!!!! (That would be equivalent to the e-mails that don't get answered.)

If you can resolve one of these issues you will feel better. You also might try some meditation / mindfulness. (See Jacq's thread on mindfulness for resources.) It helps.

Peace & Love

3 days and still no reply...even in one of them I begged her...I"m so sappy and numb....so selfish..........

youre not selfish, youre hurt. and its not anyone's fault.

she probably hasnt had time..of course she would reply if she could..

((((((((((( moony )))))))))))

Dustin!!!!
STOP setting yourself up for this kind of hurtful thinking!!! You are doing yourself a great injustice if you think she's going to drop what she's doing to attend to you. Why can't
you get that through your head? Stop beating yourself up if she doesn't answer you right away. If you were in crises, she would call back right away. However: since you just want to talk to her, she's saving it for your sessions. Why does she then, give you encouragement to email her if she
doesn't intend on writing you back? Think about it. I'm guessing she wants you to let her know how you're doing since your last session???? Maybe that's all it can be?
Put yourself in her shoes....would you want one of your clients BUGGING you off the wall for attention on YOUR time? Maybe that's what she's thinking Dustin. You just need ATTENTION?.........she's NOT your mother. She can't be a replacement. Take a step back and look at the whole
picture here, and then decide if you are not bringing this on yourself in hopes of hearing WHAT you want to hear from her.