[DelusionsDaily]

So here is the deal...

My dilemma falls in not knowing if I should go back and try to face the one issue that seems to always trigger and serious depressive episode. Right now we are working on "light" stuff but I really that if I dont face and work through this that I will always be broken and non-fixable.

The issue surrounds my sister dying when I was 9 years old and the chaos that ensued during that time...the messages I took from what happened, etc. i dont want another episode of depression to land me in the hospital but facing this is the onlly way I can see a chance at finding happiness. I know my sis would want better for me. This issue is a huge trigger for my depression!!

I guess ideas and opinions and encouragement would be nice? Why do I make therapy soooooo difficult??? I gotta go...Im shaking...

[beautiful.mess]

I'm so sorry to learn about your sister melisssad81. I can imagine it being an enormous trigger to have to talk about that in therapy (or at all).

If it were me I would tell your T beforehand your concerns about why you don't want to get into it (just exactly like you did here), so that he knows where and when to steer you. You deserve to feel better in your life (even if only marginally) and like you said, the only way to do that is to get it out. Easier said than done, I know.

Lots of hugs for you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

So here is the deal...

My dilemma falls in not knowing if I should go back and try to face the one issue that seems to always trigger and serious depressive episode. Right now we are working on "light" stuff but I really that if I dont face and work through this that I will always be broken and non-fixable.

The issue surrounds my sister dying when I was 9 years old and the chaos that ensued during that time...the messages I took from what happened, etc. i dont want another episode of depression to land me in the hospital but facing this is the onlly way I can see a chance at finding happiness. I know my sis would want better for me. This issue is a huge trigger for my depression!!

I guess ideas and opinions and encouragement would be nice? Why do I make therapy soooooo difficult??? I gotta go...Im shaking...

Sometimes I think: This issue has been eating me long enough. Time to bite on the bullet. So I do.

You don't make therapy difficult. Therapy is already difficult.

[ECHOES]

I'm so sorry you lost your sister. I can't imagine the chaos and confusion in losing a sibling at such a young age.

It sounds like you know already that it would be a good idea to explore/work on this in therapy. Yet, that must also feel frightening and maybe overwhelming to think about doing. Maybe you and T could talk about the idea of working on this first, to help put you more at ease about it.

[WePow]

It sounds like this is a very big issue for you. It is a deep rooted pain.
My T would first have you make certain your resources for support are in place before you head into working on the trauma pain of your sister's death.

Make sure you know what you will do when the sorrow is too much.
Have people in place that you can call or email in the middle of the night.
Be sure you are taking care of yourself and get plenty of rest durring that time.
The way T explained it was like preparing for open heart surgery.
You don't want to go into something this serious when you have a planned marathon the next day.

Sometimes we have to face trauma work and we don't get the chance to plan how we will work with it. But there are times in therapy when we do get to plan those big issues out in advance. You know how you will respond to the emotions this will bring up for you. My T said that when he was doing his own planned EMDR around his trauma issues that he knew it would throw him under the bus, so he took off work and set aside a couple of weeks just for him to work through what he knew it would bring up for him.

Bottom line is to do what my T said his T tells him to do for trauma work "Be percise."

[DelusionsDaily]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Sometimes I think: This issue has been eating me long enough. Time to bite on the bullet. So I do.

You don't make therapy difficult. Therapy is already difficult.

Thanks. Yeah I think thats kinda where Im at after 21.5 years.

[DelusionsDaily]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

I'm so sorry to learn about your sister melisssad81. I can imagine it being an enormous trigger to have to talk about that in therapy (or at all).

If it were me I would tell your T beforehand your concerns about why you don't want to get into it (just exactly like you did here), so that he knows where and when to steer you. You deserve to feel better in your life (even if only marginally) and like you said, the only way to do that is to get it out. Easier said than done, I know.

Lots of hugs for you.

Thanks...T already knows the concerns I have. I just have to decidewhen to try going at this issue again. It really terrifies me to no end but I think I am more terrified my life will continue to be hell for me if I dont face this.

[DelusionsDaily]

Originally Posted by WePow

It sounds like this is a very big issue for you. It is a deep rooted pain.
My T would first have you make certain your resources for support are in place before you head into working on the trauma pain of your sister's death.

Make sure you know what you will do when the sorrow is too much.
Have people in place that you can call or email in the middle of the night.
Be sure you are taking care of yourself and get plenty of rest durring that time.
The way T explained it was like preparing for open heart surgery.
You don't want to go into something this serious when you have a planned marathon the next day.

Sometimes we have to face trauma work and we don't get the chance to plan how we will work with it. But there are times in therapy when we do get to plan those big issues out in advance. You know how you will respond to the emotions this will bring up for you. My T said that when he was doing his own planned EMDR around his trauma issues that he knew it would throw him under the bus, so he took off work and set aside a couple of weeks just for him to work through what he knew it would bring up for him.

Bottom line is to do what my T said his T tells him to do for trauma work "Be percise."

Thanks Wepow. i think the prep is what we were missing last time I need to consider those things before start again. Are there any other things you considered when preparing for work like this? Thanks again.

[kaliope]

I always look at therapy as diving into a cold pool. i got something i know is keeping me from getting healthy that i gotta deal with, I just throw it out there. its T's job to get me thru it.

[Unrigged64072835]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your sister. I lost my sister when I was much younger but the aftermath affected the family long after it happened. I need to work on that in T myself but I just wanted to offer my support.

[unaluna]

I would be getting books books books - about grief, about being the surviving sibling, about losing a child. And looking into online resources. My mother's mother lost her twin sister at 12; I'm sure that had repercussions. My mother does not handle death and illness well at all.

[DelusionsDaily]

I have 3 books on grief and I think I am going to order one on sibling grief. I did some writing so when I see T next week I dont forget what we need to talk about. I definitely need to face this so it is time to suck it up and move through it instead of trying to avoid it.