[Betty_Banana]

I realized that fact today. They really don't care, it's just part of their job to pretend like they do.

I found out today that I won't be seeing my T again until January. I talked to him on the phone about it. He said "see you in January". That's such a L O N G time away to me. 6 weeks seems like forever. And all he said was see you in January? Considering the fact that I have been having a rough time for the past 2 months,that I have been struggling with depression and thoughts of su*cide,etc., I would have appreciated(expected?)for him to at least tell me to take care of myself, or remind me what I need to do should things get real bad, or to say I could call him If I needed to. But he said nothing like that, and that's when I had my realization. He never really cared in the first place, he was just doing his job.

I'm sure being a therapist is not alot different than my job. I work with the public, and it's part of my job to be friendly and act like I'm interested and care what people have to say. But the truth is, I don't really give a crap about those people, I don't care what they have to say, it's just what I have to do cause it's part of my job. Most of the time I don't even really listen to what they say, but I'm getting paid so I pretend like I do.

I guess I'm just disappointed. And now I'm not sure I ever want to go back at all.

[Kacey2]

Why six weeks? Is t's schedule too full?

[roads]

I'm so sorry you were treated so unfeelingly. Your T is thoughtless, insensitive, or just a rotten T. But not all Ts are the same. Most of the ones I've known over the years do care a great deal.

You certainly ought to tell this guy how you feel. If you can email him you can do it now--or leave a phone message. Or tell him in Jan & ask for a referral if you think he's not worth working it out with. You were treated badly, & you have the right to discuss that.

[skycastle]

Hey Lost In Thought, what kind of work with the public do you do?

I ask because I have a social work / education type of job, and I really do genuinely care about each person I work with. I have to work (really) hard to take care of myself and to set boundaries so that I can be my most effective self when I work with people. In general, I try to meet people where they are and with how they present themselves to me. There is no "just doing my job" that is separate from truly caring about the people I work with. If I were invincible and had unlimited resources, god, I would do all that i could to wholly take care of and provide for the all the needs of each person---each separate, unique, important, captivating person. I say this because, working in my job now, I'm finally starting to understand that maybe just because my T can't be there for me 24/7, she really does care for me during the time she's with me and that she's interacting with me. I also am beginning to understand that maybe, to some degree, she IS waiting for me to make a move in terms of defining our relationship and what exactly it means to me / us.

So, I guess what I'm saying, is--maybe your T didn't realize you wanted comfort about this (or was thoughtful about the fact that maybe you just didn't want comfort) and so didn't say anything. Or, yes, maybe your T isn't that great of a T. But please don't totally discount the fact that your T may care based on this one incident alone. Explaining your feelings about this to your T and then experiencing your T's reaction would probably be much more telling. Sorry you're going through this.

[kaliope]

Im not a therapist, but I am a social worker and do educational counseling for children/families where I work. And I do really care about the people I work with and do my best to make sure that I find the resources to best meet their needs and if I cant help them to make sure I set them up with someone who can. But I work with so many people I have to hold my clients accountable for the client/counselor relationship. If they miss an appointment, I worry about them, but I dont have the time to go hunting them down. They have to be responsible to call me and reschedule. If they are struggling, they have to reach out and call me. I will stay after work to return calls if I need to. I think its unfair to make a blanket statement that therapists dont really care.

However, in your situation, I shake my head wondering what the hell your therapist is thinking. Scheduling a depressed suicidal client six weeks out over the holidays is absolutely ridiculous. Even under normal circumstances, why wouldnt he be seeing your at least every other week? I would definately think about finding a new T more attentive to your needs.

[skycastle]

Actually, kaliope does bring up a good point. If you have been expressing suicidal thoughts and severely depressed feelings , then it would have been much more responsible for your T to help you find a way to stay in contact with someone who can help you during such a long break. It does sound like you need to be seeing someone more than once every six weeks. The important thing, though, is making sure that you are still expressing these feelings to your T so that he understands what you're going through. I just noticed from your post that you didn't say anything about talking to your T about this, just that you had been experiencing the feelings.

[learning1]

Sorry Lost In Thought. That does sound like a cold way to say goodbye for 6 weeks. Why do you have to wait until January? Is it due to insurance or something? Do you have a choice of finding a different t at some point? I think some t's care more than others. I'd hope you could go back to him to at least talk to him about this and find out why he was so cold.

[mixedup_emotions]

Ugh. I'm sorry that your T didn't offer you more.....and I can sooooo relate to those feelings that T doesn't REALLY care.....But my rational mind says it'd be worthwhile for you to give your T a chance to respond before you pass judgement on whether or not T really cares. Sometimes T's (and people, in general) don't know what you need at a given time - and what you may see as a caring gesture, others may get upset by.

For example...I know that after one of my sessions when things went differently than usual, my T asked me what I was doing for the rest of the day, told me that he didn't want me to think about what we discussed, and that he was there until such and such time, if I needed to call him....I was totally freaked out by it, thinking WHAT just happened during this session to make him extend himself to me in that way?? I told him he was making me nervous. And this led to him explaining more.....

If he didn't extend himself that way, I wouldn't have become so freaked out - and spiraling into trying to figure out what I said/did, and what's going to happen, what did it mean, etc. etc. etc.

In any case, I do understand what you're feeling and it does feel awful. I just hope you give your T a chance to let you know the real deal....

[stopdog]

I am sorry your t was not more sensitive and I do believe he should have been.

In my opinion, therapists do not care about clients like friends or family do (at least the families on tv or in books or in some people's homes - like the brady bunch). I would guess most of them usually do not wish any client ill, but clients are just clients and as such they deal with the client when the client is there and move on when the client is not. A six week break is not going to be the same for any professional as it is for the client. I suppose most of them care in some fashion ("if a clod be washed away by the sea, europe is the less..." sort of way)- otherwise it would be a miserable job unless they were on some power trip (frankly to me it seems like a miserable job on any level but there are a good number of them and some stay in it until retirement).

[venusss]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am sorry your t was not more sensitive and I do believe he should have been.

In my opinion, therapists do not care about clients like friends or family do (at least the families on tv or in books or in some people's homes - like the brady bunch). I would guess most of them usually do not wish any client ill, but clients are just clients and as such they deal with the client when the client is there and move on when the client is not. A six week break is not going to be the same for any professional as it is for the client. I suppose most of them care in some fashion ("if a clod be washed away by the sea, europe is the less..." sort of way)- otherwise it would be a miserable job unless they were on some power trip (frankly to me it seems like a miserable job on any level but there are a good number of them and some stay in it until retirement).

Yeah, this makes sense. Therapists are to be effective, not to merely care for caring's sake. They do have many clients they need to provide their services (yes, it is a service/good and it is a market...) for. Not saying they don't care at all, but in the end it is just a job and one cannot really blame a therapist if they don't go out of their limb for client (however, 6 weeks waiting in emergency is kinda ******, even if it is just bad service).

[Betty_Banana]

Thanks for all the replies. I was very upset when I posted yesterday. I felt like an unwanted puppy that had been dumped on the side of the road. I still feel that way actually.

I can't see him until the beginning of the year due to insurance reasons. He knows I can't afford to go without insurance coverage, it just seems he could have at least offered a sliding scale fee or talked about payment arrangements or something. But he didn't, therefore I feel like he doesn't really care at all. It feels like all he really cares about is money. And since there were no 'parting' words of wisdom, I feel completely abandoned.

Yes, I have discussed the depression, suicidal thoughts,etc. with him, it's actually been the main topic of discussion for the past month or so. He knows I have been struggling with some major issues in my life that have been overwhelming and he also knows that holidays are very rough for me. That's what bothers me the most. He knows these things, yet obviously doesn't really care.

I have been seeing him close to 2 years. He knows me pretty well, he knows I most likely am going to be in crisis mode over the holidays. And now I am left on my own. And it's not a good feeling. I was hoping for and planning on him helping me get through.

I could send an email explaining how I feel, or I could call his office and ask to talk to him, but if I do that, I feel like I will look too needy and dependent on him. Plus, shouldn't he already know these things anyway without me having to tell him? If he doesn't, then maybe he's not someone I should being seeing afterall. Besides, I'm afraid if I talked to or emailed him I would just lash out in anger, probably yell and cuss at him. What good would that do? It's not going to change the fact that he doesn't care. I can't force him to.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone with what I said about therapists not caring, but that's how I was feeling when I posted. I have been to many different ones through the years, and I thought I found one that actually does care. It was just a low blow to realize he has turned out to be just like the rest.

I also can't help but think maybe it's just me. Maybe I am too messed up and can't be helped and nobody has the balls to tell me. Maybe my T is glad I won' be going for 6 weeks, maybe he's hoping I won't go back. Maybe this is his way of getting rid of me.

I don't know. But I do know this is the last thing I needed right now. I truly don't have anyone in my life that cares, I can't even pay someone to. And it sucks and is a very depressing realization.

[venusss]

Is this a really bad crisis, or... is it something that happened before and you managed to pull through? I don't mean this in accusing way, but I am wondering if he simply believes you... or if he is acting bit unprofessional. Do you at least have some plan how to get through?

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Lost_In_Thought

I found out today that I won't be seeing my T again until January. I talked to him on the phone about it. He said "see you in January".

At least he expects to see you then -- he is not dumping you. And as others here have said, not all people who deal the "the public" disdain them...

[Betty_Banana]

VenusHalley, I have been in crisis mode before, but nothing like now. What has been going on is pretty major, he knows that. He knows it's not just some ploy for attention or anything, if that's what you were implying.

No, I don't have a plan yet. I guess I have no choice but to figure one out though. If I make it through this on my own, then I don't need him like I thought I did, and I won't really need to go back to him at all. Why would I want to? I need him NOW, and if he's not going to be there for me, why go back after the fact?

[venusss]

VenusHalley, I have been in crisis mode before, but nothing like now. What has been going on is pretty major, he knows that. He knows it's not just some ploy for attention or anything, if that's what you were implying.

I am not implying anything. I am myself a person who goes through crisis every now and then.... yet my friends know that I am not at any risk, even if I sound really doom and gloom. Geez, people be so sensitive!

Given that, it sounds bit unprofessional, he could try more. But there is not much you can really do about it now, sadly... and some Ts just have stricter boundaries and are more detached than others...

It depends what you wanna go back for. Maybe to learn how to deal with things better in the future? But maybe you can learn that on your own as well. I don't know you and what is the best for you.

[Betty_Banana]

My T has told me before that If I was really going to kill myself, I would already be dead. Maybe he believes I would never do it. Maybe he believes I will be fine for the next 6 weeks. If so, maybe he should have said that. I just wish he would have said something.

Maybe I am just over-reacting. Maybe my concerns are valid. ****, I don't even know. All I know is I am very upset and confused over the whole thing.

[venusss]

Do you have somebody else to talk to?

What causes this stress? Just holidays or are there some other factors?

Originally Posted by Lost_In_Thought

I found out today that I won't be seeing my T again until January. I talked to him on the phone about it. He said "see you in January". That's such a L O N G time away to me. 6 weeks seems like forever. And all he said was see you in January?

I could so see this happening with my T, and I do know he cares about me.

Sometimes, he's really proactive and gives me a list of things I can do to help me cope, especially before a long break...leave voice mails, remember that I'm a good person, remember that feelings are information, etc. And sometimes, he just forgets.

We have a longish break right now (11 days...so not six weeks, but long for me) and he totally didn't give me anything but "bye". And I realized that I need more than that, and I asked him...and he thanked me for asking and said "you're right, we forgot to talk about that" and gave me the support and reassurance that I needed.

I don't know anything about the relationship between you and your therapist, but I KNOW how easy it is for me to get into a "he doesn't care!" spiral, even when I can look back and see 4 years of solid evidence that he does. The moments when he makes mistakes can feel SO much bigger than the (many, many) moments when he is totally present and aware and realizing what I need and giving it to me.

I try to remember that having to ask for what I need doesn't mean T doesn't care about me. Sometimes my feelings and needs seem SO big and obvious, I can't believe T can't just see them and know them....but I really do have to ask for what I need. And T WANTS me to ask for what I need and he wants to give it to me...but I have to ask.

Could you call T and tell him that you need some advice about how to get through the break?

No matter what, we are here to support you...please use PC as a support during your time off from T. I know that's how I've made it through a LOT of T breaks.
to you!!

[seventyeight]

hi lostinthought,

my suggestion would be to call him, and to work out some of this (even just a tiny little piece of this) over the phone. i think if you go in with "hey, i'm *really* struggling here, and i know we can't meet until the new year, but is there anything you can tell me that *might* help me to get through the next six weeks without meeting with you?" you may be surprised at how he responds. if it's favorable, then take it. if it's more of the same, then take your power back, and perhaps start putting energy into finding a more compassionate therapist..

just my thoughts. hang in there though, you're doing good..

(if ok)
78

[TayQuincy]

Originally Posted by Lost_In_Thought

My T has told me before that If I was really going to kill myself, I would already be dead.

Wow. Everyone is alive until they are dead. It's no indication that someone won't kill themselves tomorrow just because they are alive up until then! Sorry that your t said such a thing!

[Betty_Banana]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

Do you have somebody else to talk to?
What causes this stress? Just holidays or are there some other factors?

No, I don't have anyone else to talk to. I have PTSD and a dissociative disorder, not something I feel I can talk to just anyone about. It took a l o n g time to be able to talk to him, and now the one and only person I can talk to in real life is not there.

Holidays are major triggers. On top of that, I have experienced a recent trauma and have been trying to work through that with him. Now it's all just put on hold until the first of the year, but how am I supposed to just put all these thoughts and feelings on hold?

[ECHOES]

Lost, did you ask if he could see you on a sliding scale between now and January? If that's an option for you, ask him to see if it's an option for him. He may not have offered because he doesn't know if it's possible for you to do that and if not, to offer might be something very frustrating and disappointing for you.

They do care, but I think it's hard to accept where their caring ends and what it is and isn't. When we are disappointed it's easy to say that our disappointment is really something else, a lack of caring. And it's easy to take that a step further and decide we aren't lovable.

About suicidal thoughts, I love what someone told me once about that and it's been really helpful for me to see past the thought. That is, that those thoughts say "I am in this much pain!" It quantifies our pain.

You are lovable, and I think your T does care about you and your therapy.
Why not call and see if you can see him through the end of the year at a lower fee, and maybe see if you can pay that fee by paying some now and extra on your co-pays after the new year begins. See if there is a way because you need the consistent support at this time.

[TayQuincy]

sorry, i meant to say more than just that. I don';t think it means he doesn't care if he doesn't offer a solution to the insurance coverage problem and suggest a sliding fee. Have you asked your T about a sliding fee? Therapists try not to rescue us from our problems. He may be accepting your situation and taking you at your word. It may be inaccurate to read more into it. If you need more, ask for it. Although he still may not accept sliding fee it doens't mean he doesn't care. What other solutions can you come up with?

[Betty_Banana]

Some of you think I should just talk to him about this. Really? I'm afraid to let him know that I need him right now. I'm afraid to tell him how I feel. I always think that somehow it doesn't hurt as much if people don't know that I am hurting. I know that doesn't sound logical, but it's how I think. Plus I'm afraid to take a chance on hearing something I don't want to hear.

[ECHOES]

What would you hear that you don't want to hear?
As it stands right now you aren't seeing T until January. If you call and see if there is a way to see him between now and then, and there isn't a way, then nothing changes. If he doesn't offer sliding scale or payment arrangements, then it would be his policy with everyone and not some way of punishing you. I can see how asking would feel very risky. Presented matter-of-factly by you, with hope for a positive outcome, and the reality of his response as a separate thing, is the power you have right now. An attempt at self-rescue, a good thing!