Therapists Don't Really Care, Do They?

wait, did I know that skysblue is a woman?

To speak on topic (and I didn't read beyond the last couple posts and the first couple posts), you cannot discount how much your T cares about you by a T not knowing that you needed to hear some comforting words. And I am sorry you must break from your T for so long.

I never said feelings are irrelevant or unimportant, though I understand your aim is to defend your Internet friend and not read my posts.

Though in the grand scheme of things, having feelings for a therapist are irrelevant, unless your aim was to go to therapy to have feelings for a therapist.

I'd sooner pick a therapist that's less attached but good at their job over an overly attached therapist that is useless. That's the point you see.

6 weeks is a really long time to not see your T, especially when you're not doing well. I also am a bit appalled that your T would act the way he did, not even acknowledge that you are in a dangerous place right now and hurting really badly. I'm sure he still cares about you, though. I don't think people become Ts unless they care really deeply for those of us in emotional pain. Maybe he was just having an off day, or maybe he was distracted by something. Doesn't make what he did right, but I'm sure he still cares.

I definitely don't expect or want my T to love or care for me more than any of his other patients. I don't expect or want him to love me at all. All I want is to feel like I am as good as his other patients, that I am treated the same as them and not less than them.

I don't want to feel special or be his number one patient, not at all, I'm just working up to feeling like it's ok to be in therapy, that it's ok to ask for help and that I am worthy of receiving that help. I would like for him to care when I am struggling though, or at least act like he does, and I don't think that's expecting too much.

I don't think it is either.

Lost_In_Thought, I just noticed in my post to you upstream that I put your name not once but twice as "Lost_In_Therapy." Sorry about that! I hope you can get the support from your T that you need.

Well that's fair enough. The thing is, he's human so chances are he will likely have some patients who he may enjoy the company of over others. If he's a good therapist he should treat you the same way regardless. You may well be one of his favourite patients or you may not. Try not to worry so much about it because you're not likely to get an answer.

He likely does care, but he may not know that you're affected by this as much as you're expressing here, so he may assume you were okay with his decision to not see you for 6 weeks and not gave it much thought that you weren't.

Ah . . . when one woman agrees with another , she is just defending her little friend, but when you agreed with Ygrec, you were just . . . . two guys who were right at the same time?

I sincerely doubt you understand skysblue, or very much about women at all.

Anne

Yes exactly, thanks for agreeing with me. She has not proven where I said "feelings were irrelevant". This to me suggests she is defending the other poster because she is female and makes false accusations against me because I'm male

I on the other-hand explained why I agreed with Ygrec.

Believe it or not, this not a female only forum where women scorned like yourself can vent your aggression out on men just for giving an opinion you don't agree with.

Okay, I have to chip in. I am a woman, obviously, but I never understood the "does T care about me either". Well, not never. Some ten, maybe even five years ago, I would understand. I guess we are made clingy. I guess it may be part of cultural upbringing here, because we are not huggy-feely-goodie-lovey-dovey type of folks here.
Still, my reluctance to therapy, as much as I could benefit from it comes from the fear of... will I waste my money on solving problems that weren't there in a first place? Many people seem to believe the transference **** is necessary for successful therapy. I don't know. Aren't we getting even more tangled? And how does transference to incompetent therapist help? It seems many people here went through that... it seems therapy can be quite dangerous project at times.

But I don't think Lost has this problem... it is rather a ****** situation over all. I think Lost should try to contact the T and try to communicate clearly the problem. Nothing to lose there.

Aaww venus, there you go again n half truths and half understandings

so you posses the whole truth and understanding? Would you please enlighten me? I may really need it.

If I go see my GP for bronchitis, before I leave, I expect her to tell me that if I have any problems I should call. That if I'm not feeling any better within a few days that I should call, and if I get worse, I should go to urgent care. I want and expect her to care enough to say those things instead of just sending me on my way.

When I get my hair done, I expect to be told if I am unhappy with the way it looks, I should go back. I expect to be told and shown how to take care of the new style, what to do in between visits,etc. I expect her to care enough to say those things.

When I take my dog to the vet, I expect to be told what to do in between visits, what I should do if an emergency arises,etc.

I'm sure if a 'man' puts his car in the shop and has a new motor put in, he expects to be told what to do if he has problems with it and wants to hear that he can call them if needed. He's not going to spend that much money and just be sent on his way without hearing any of that, is he?

So what is wrong with expecting and wanting my T to tell me what to do if I'm having a rough time, where I should go if I'm suicidal, and that I can call him in an emergency?

I don't think this has anything to do with gender at all, we all want and expect a certain level of care, don't we?

Lost, I am so VERY sorry your T let you down, please give him a call on Monday to straighten things out, don't torture yourself with all this uncertainty. And earthmamma please do enlighten us... I am a woman too and agree with everything Venus said. Also i've been to therapy, i am the M0ST touchy feely lovey dovey person i know ( so much so that i get on my family's nerves) but i do N0T believe in that transference BS, and have NEVER needed a service provider to show me affection of ANY kind in order to open up. I went to therapy for a reason, to get help, guidance, understanding and YES validation. I didn't make an appt hoping to find my new bff. I'm SO sorry if you ladies disagree with myself, Ygrec and so80, but girls... They have a point, a valid one. And if you would take a step back and stop feeling attacked by there responses, you might see where we are coming from...

Just curious...are you insinuating that it has something to do with age? With Maturity? Or more of where you were at mentally 5 or 10 years ago?

Hey (((((((Lost_In_Thought)))))))

I honestly, honestly think that we need to tell our therapists what it is that we need. I know you said you were reluctant to call your T because you don't want to seem like you need him or you are attached...I wonder if when he said "see you in January", that he was talking to the Lost_In_Thought that presents herself as independent and okay? Sometimes our feelings feel SO big and overwhelming that it seems impossible to believe that our T's can't just "see" them...but I know that with my T, I've learned over the years that no matter how well he knows me, I still need to tell him. He never ever assumes anything. And for me, it's such a defense mechanism to always present myself as strong and okay, that I probably do that with T, even when I'm not thinking about it.

A few years ago, I was having a HARD time. I felt like I was making it so clear to T, but he just did. not. get. it. It was awful. I was spiraling farther and farther down and couldn't find a way to communicate it so he would hear it. Finally, after weeks of that, I DID get him to hear me, and it was such a relief. We talked about it later...why didn't he *see* me?...and one thing he said was that he cares about me and maybe he *wanted* me to be doing okay, and that was coloring the way he was seeing things. So, what felt like not-caring was just the opposite. And since we talked about it, T became aware of his own pattern and it really hasn't happened since then. He's more careful to really see the person in front of him, and I'm more careful to clearly communicate what's going on. We still miss each other, but not in the HUGE way we did that one time.

Just wanted to share a few more thoughts that I had.

It is about me. I was pretty much a mess. I needed to be loved by everybody and was very insecure in relations... I guess I was lucky I met the right people and had the right experiences that helped me to get over this....

so this is pretty personal for me. Very. And I am not saying this to brag how i gotten over my insecurities, because I still deal with them... but they are not so bad anymore. So it is possible to find a safer place.


And yeah, I get you about the professional aspect. So I think in this case it is not too much to call T tomorrow and ask for some advice.

I am understanding your concern as insurance (fact) has left you out to dry in this situation.....NOT YOUR T. You said that you expected your T to OFFER you a sliding scale because he knows you can't pay. What have you done the previous 2 years with him....if you had the same insurance coverage? Maybe he felt that YOU DIDN"T ASK for any special consideration in the payment situation, so he probably felt that you felt you could make it through.........ah, the 2 wrongs don't make a right......both chose not to confront the issue that was sitting there biting at you......& maybe if it's a private practice, he knows that the office he practices is doesn't offer sliding scale, so there was no point in offering you that option.....but there was nothing stopping you from asking if there was some kind of financial help to get you through this period other than the fear of the "NO" answer which wouldn't put you in any different place then where you are anyway other than not feeling rejected because he didn't offer.

Emotions tend to really get in our way of appropriate action. Our emotions need to be acknowledged & they are a point that tells us that some action is necessary......but when we simply act on the emotions without putting our rational mind into the picture, we allow our emotions to take over & make us feel horrible in the mean time while we try to figure out what we really NEED TO DO to resolve the situation. That is one thing I like about DBT is that it helps put the emotional mind into perspective before we jump to conclusions or act on the emotions that need more rational thought put into them.

FACT.....you insurance doesn't cover any more sessions for the rest of the year.
QUESTION......does your therapy group have any kind of financial coverage to handle the lack of insurance so you can continue on with your therapy even at a reduced time like every other week?
EMOTION......you feel rejected by your T because he didn't offer you any payment options.....you feel abandoned because he didn't give you any parting words of wisdom.
QUESTION.....you have been is crisis before.....what has he told you then? You have been dealing with this for several months now.....what has he been telling you all along? Has he taught you any coping skills? If so what are they? I know that my DBT group teaches us many skills to get through crisis periods when distress is so high we feel we can't go on. It doesn't take away the distress or solve it but it takes our mind off the distress & gives it a break & we keep distracting ourself as we work through the distressing situation.....yep, it can take months if the distressing situation is long term.....but it keeps it from controlling us. Use Distracting strategies like finding activities to get involved in....exercise, hobbies, cleaning the house, going to events we are interested in, watching movies, computer games, winter skiing/playing in the snow, contributing to someone in need, an elderly person who could use a visitor, volunteer work, making cookies or getting involved in a Christmas project in your community, comparisons...to others coping the same or less well as yourself.....I love this one.....watch soap operas, novels about really messed up people & realize how much better off we really are...lol....I always got a kick out of this skill., Use Opposite Emotionsget involved in a book or movie or music that's funny or uplifting that will generate a different emotions within yourself, Pushing awayleave the situation you are feeling depressed about mentally for awhile....put it on a shelf or in a box mentally I force your mind to refuse to think about what is distressing you, Use Thoughts...I never knew this but when you do something like count numbers or colors in a paintingm work puzzles, watch TV, or read, it doesn't allow your mind to dwell on what is distressing you, Sesationsone I use a lot is the HOT SHOWER to just relax & let my mind go, other things like squeezing hard on a ball or snapping a rubber band on your wrist. There is also the Self-Soothing strategies which involve our 5 senses: Vision buy a beautiful flower, make a comfortable place in a room & make it pretty, visit a beautiful art museum, look at the nature around you (I have 10 acres of beautiful woods to wander through), check out the beautiful night sky (if it's not too cold yet), do something that makes you feel pretty, nails, hair whatever works for you, look at beautiful pictures in a book, national geographic (like Venus has so many issues of...lol), watch a ballet or something beautiful on TV or go to a dance performance & watch the movements......watch each sight that passes your vision without lingering on any.....just fill your head with beautiful visions, Hearing listen to beautiful music or invigorating exercise music, or music with the sounds of nature I focus on each one you hear (but don't let those crickets or frogs get to you...lol)hear the sounds & be mindful of what you are hearing & let each one go onto the next to keep your mind flowing, Smell one of my favorites....love the scents I get from bath & body....Leaves, Trees, I spray it around my house & then also put in the plug-in's to keep the smell going for days or cook the potpourri....or my favorite smell allows me to taste also when I bake my pumpkin oatmeal cranberry raisin cookies. The smell fills my house & gives me eating enjoyment for many days after, or one of my favorite smells at this time of year is the pine tree. The needles just dropped off all the pine trees around my farm & I raked them up & I just soaked in the smell of pine.....the tree spray from bath & body is very much the real tree smell also, Taste yep, the cookies or your favorite food or drink or what ever flavor you really enjoy....ice cream.....or the other day, I found a recipe for the garlic putter to drench my scallops in......sat there is heaven for while I was eating that meal....my other favorite food are those little tangerines....from the pealing smell to the eating......& the peal leaves my room smelling so good, Touch nice bubble bath, clean sheets on the bed, petting my dogs is a biggie with me.....their smooth coats just relax me so much to lay in bed & pet them.....I they love the attention while it relaxes me & takes my mind away from the distress....find a comfortable chair so sink down into & read a book & for me, snuggle under a nice down comforter. The thing is to notice in detail what you are touching & the sense you are feeling. The next crisis survival strategies are called IMPROVE the moment......Imagery imagine in your mind a relaxing scene, a secret room or even a fantasy world that is calm & peaceful & imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe, Meaning this is one I use a lot where I try to figure out the purpose, meaning, or value in the pain I am feeling. Understanding that there can be a purpose or positive aspect of what I am going through really helps me accept & UNDERSTAND what is happening much better....making lemonade out of lemons, Prayerthis is another skill that I use in asking strength to get through the horrible situation & to ask God for help is taking care of the situation because I don't have the ability or the power or the strength, Relaxation this I accomplish with the hot showers, but hot bath works & just sitting & focusing on relaxing each part of your body also works, a massage, using the relaxation tapes that go through tightening & loosening each muscle group, One thing in the moment not so good at this one since I seem to do a million things at the same time thinking I can time share myself like a computer does.....but honestly, I find when I just focus on doing one thing at the time, like I just drew a picture & painted it last week....something I have never done before & spent hours working on it & wow, it turned out beautiful....surprised myself that I could focus on anything for that length of time....or when I work on my beading projects with the design through the completion without getting interrupted.....focusing on one thing, even doing the dishes or cleaning something of fixing something that's broken. Being aware of the movements & the action you are doing.....takes the mind off the distress as it focuses away & onto what you are doing, taking a Vacation take a nap or just get into bed & rest & relax for 20+ minutes, or rent a motel room or go visit a friend for a day or 2 (I visited a friend when I went to the city for my Dr's appointment & stayed overnight.....what a relaxing time it was just to be away from the surroundings that had been bothering me as I couldn't do anything about any of the things that needed done & it wasn't going to matter for the day anyway. I also fine that watching a movie I can feel like I've had a vacation, or just take an hour breather from something that has to be done so you can come back to it refreshed. When I worked as a computer design engineer, we called those breaks "brain breaks" or "distancing" where we let the mind relax & could always come back & solve the problem, Encouragement this is giving yourself a pep talk....letting yourself know that "you can make it through & it won't last forever". Farther along in Distress tolerance we also learn that there is certain reality that we just have to accept.....along those lines are exercises in observing your breath to quiet your mind & body, who would figure that using a half smile (the Mona Lisa smile) would help relax the body, but try frowning & feel your facial muscles then smile & feel the relaxation that happens....thinking about half smiling every time you get a chance actually helps relax the whole body not just the face with time & be aware of your actions while you are doing things in your life like housework or relaxation/meditation. The thing with radical acceptance is that freedom from suffering requires acceptance from deep within of what is. Lets go of fighting reality & the things we don't want to be but what are no matter how bad we don't want them to be. Pain creates suffering only when we refuse to accept the pain.....deciding to tolerate the moment is ACCEPTANCE & ACCEPTANCE is acknowledging what is & remembering that to ACCEPT something is NOT the same as judging it good. There are many times that I have to go over my mind again & again that I accept that something is until I can figure out a way to change it using my wise mind logic. Accepting something doesn't always mean that you have to accept if forever as being reality.....but at least for the moment it is what it is & we work with reality from there. In order to accept reality, it requires an act of choice....like coming to the fork in the road & choose to go down the acceptance road rather than the rejecting reality" road. It takes inner commitment to accept....the commitment isn't the actual acceptance, but it'e the turning on the path & sometimes we have to commit over & over & over again. We create a willing response to the situation which means that we do just what is needed focusing only on effectiveness which is listening ot our WISE MIND....our rational & emotional minds solution to dealing with the situation.....that willingness allows into our awareness our connection to the situation we are dealing with where willfulness is our sitting on our hands & refusing to make changes that are needed, giving up, doing what doesn't work, trying to fix every situation & refusing to tolerate the moment. I find for myself that yes, I try to come up with a solution to every situation, but I am also aware when I have expended all my possibilities & have to accept the situation & handle it. It's important to be aware of when that time comes......but even through the times we are trying to figure out how to fix the situation we need to accept it as reality & we will work on it as our wise mind is able to work through the possible solutions until there are no more possible solutions.....which does happen very often.....(I am working on a situation like this right now because medicare paid for x-rays to be taken when I fractured my back, but refused to pay for the analysis/reading of those x-rays)......so I am working on the situation since medicare already denied my appeal.......I haven't given up yet, but I don't know that I won't have to come to the point where there is no other possible ways to approach getting them to pay or waive the fee...... but the long Thanksgiving weekend was upon me & there was nothing I could do to work on resolving the problem, so I accept it as reality & know that when monday comes I will start to work on a solution again.

Emotional Regulation is another area of DBT that helps us accept our emotions but not let them talk over but regulate them so that we can think through logically the situation we are in & come up with the wise way of handling it.

The DBT skills work for every mental illness.....as a matter of fact, DBT skills IMO are skills that should be taught in high school to every child since most parents fail at teaching their children these skills which are basic common sense skills that everyone needs to cope with life. I know for me, just learning the DBT skills has been interesting because it's been able to put words to skills that I have already & learn new ones that I never even conceived of before.......& in our group, we come up with even more skills that help each of us out when we come right down to it.

One of those other skills is that when we try all the skills & find that they aren't working for us that we are able to CALL for support to either our T or the group leader(s). Right now, the psychologist for many of us is out indefinitely caring for her mother.....which I just found out in DBT last week after then called & cancelled my appointments & said not to make any more until we know when she will be able to come back. That triggered the PTSD from 6 years ago when I was caring for my mother who was dying of cancer at the time......so I was very glad to have the DBT group & the leaders to lean on. Most of us only call when we hit a crisis point & never call otherwise, so they definitely KNOW we are having a crisis that we either need skills reminding or sometimes just a validation of how we are feeling with suggestions of what skills we might try using again.

I also know from my therapy for so many years that there is a plan set in place between T & me when I was in massive crisis before any DBT.....that the ER was where I go if I feel suicidal.....several times it came in handy....other times they called & had me admitted into the private mental health hospital that my pdoc & psychologist practiced through. I am sure that you are aware of that option & know when you get to the point of needing the hospital. It took me awhile to become aware of that point, but got to be more obvious the more times I ended up in the hospital for my own safety rather than having to be taken because I acted on my feelings.

Hoping that you can make it through this rough time & maybe just one final understanding between you & your T will help you get through it also by talking through some of what he thinks he has taught you as skills to get you through.....& then use some of the skills listed here to help pass the 6 weeks until you can get back on your normal therapy schedule. I know how rough it is NOT to have the therapy that we are so used to going to....it feel like the plug has been pulled & we are sitting there without any power.....but it's also a good test for ourselves to see just how much we have learned in therapy from our T & over the years of similar experiences. It gives us a chance to really put the therapy we have learned into practice......but I also understand when you said that you had built up to a point where you were going to be discussing some very important areas in your life & I know how frustrating that has to be.......like coming to the end of the ramp & there's a huge hole there & no place to go with what you are holding onto. I know personally I would express that concern with your T since it has been what he's been building up to throughout the year & just because he comes to it at the point where you don't have any insurance coverage, it seems like there could possibly be something he can do to help you through that situation.

Sorry for the long post.....but understand your frustration & know your need for skills to get you through......it's important that we logically look at our situation & allow our wise mind to control our actions & needed communication with our T because when emotions get in the way on their own, then tend to mess things up more than help.

Take the time to think through the communication you feel necessary, including even asking about financial help. Sometimes it's important that we take on the responsibility to look after ourselves rather than depend on someone else to think of what we need. When we depend on others we are usually disappointed.
I am sure that you will make it through & if all else fails, spend a lot of time of PC talking with others & distracting yourself with the games....remember your encouragement....you will get through this.......you really will with the help of those around you also even if they are here at PC.

Did you say your insurance company won't pay for any more visits until january? Well, this happened to me years ago. I used up all my outpatient visits by June, and was facing no therapy for the rest of the year. So, i called my insurance company and asked them if they could possibly approve me for more visits. They did! They said if my therapist contacted them and told them it was medically necessary, they would transfer some of my unused inpatient visits to outpatient. Problem solved. But since then, parity laws have made it much easier to have unlimited visits, and now i do have unlimited visits through my insurance company. I dont' know if that is everywhere in the US though.

and...eskielover gave you some wonderful suggestions too!

I didn't read all 8 pages of replies. But I do think a call to the insurance company or call your T again would be helpful. My first T I had for 2yrs. She knew I was sui, SI & was really struggling with an ED. Still, her policy was no contact between sessions. If I needed help I was to call Crisis connection or go to the hospital. It really felt like she didn't care.

Since then I've seen a few Ts here and there. I had two different ones in treatment, I was switched when one was laid off.. anyway, neither of them wanted contact between sessions either. I saw a T once in November of 2009 and never went back, he actually called me and left a message asking if I was okay. I felt like he truly cared even tho we only met once. My current T encourages me to call for anything.

My point is, if you feel this way about your T, then maybe finding someone else would be beneficial. I wasted years with Ts who I felt didn't give a crap about me. Maybe I was just in too much of a bad spot at the time and overlooked something, I don't know.. but it does take trial and error to find someone. Finding my current T was the best thing for me. She has truly helped pull me out of a really dark place and keep me going.

What a shame that this thread veered off supporting the original poster and went on to male v female, that had nothing to do with the actual point of this thread. Can I remind everyone that you can alert admin to unsupportive posts by clicking this >>> which can be found on the left hand side of the member. Or you can send a PM to admin or a moderator of this forum.

((((((((( Lost in Thought )))))))))) Having to wait until January when you feel so hurt is a real long time. A good therapist will give you some numbers to contact in the event of an emergency and also will give you some extra coping strategies to tide you over till then. Please take courage and contact your T to find out who to contact if you need extra support during the holiday.

Once again, thanks for all the replies.

I had myself so worked up over this whole issue with my T that I lost sleep last night. So this morning I emailed him, I just couldn't hold out until tomorrow(monday).

I am happy(yet embarrassed) to say that it was all a misunderstanding on my part. I'm assuming I was dissociating while I was talking with him on the phone, because apparently we 'agreed' that I would return in January, when my insurance starts paying again.

Also, he didn't say much on the phone because there were other people around and he didn't want to break confidentiality.

He also did say everything I hoped he would have said on the phone in the email.

So, it wasn't even an issue to begin with, it only was in my own mind. I feel really stupid right now, but I don't regret posting about it, because I really did need support/feedback while I was freaking out over it.

we tend to sometimes overact. Just try to remember this for the next time. I am glad things worked out.

I think catastrophing and making everything personally is very common cognitive distortion... but often there are other reasons why the situation happened the way it did.

Lost, you didn't overreact. You were acting on your feelings. There was a misperception but your feelings were based on your perception, correct or not. Did you get to ask if it was possible to see him between now and then; that was an initial concern you had.