[mcl6136]

All,

I have a friend who tried therapy, got mad, dropped out. She and I tried to talk about her decision to do so. I made it clear that she could always return to therapy. She said, well, therapy might be helpful for you, but my problems are so much worse!

I thought about her comments, and how she used the magnitude of her issues to (as far as I'm concerned) skip out of therapy.

I've done the opposite, something that one T told me was a "flight into health.." saying well, I'm fine! I often minimize the issues that brought me into therapy -- the very opposite stance that my pal takes. I claim that my history of childhood abuse and neglect doesn't matter any more (!) and that despite my destructive brutal childhood, I'm doing FINE, thank you very much. My approach to most problems is...soldier on. Until...kaboom! Triggers, problems, melt-downs, withdrawal you name it.

Both of these outlooks seem extreme to me, and during my therapy journey, I've learned to try to live a little more in the middle. I'm tackling this now as an issue IN THERAPY, where I tell my T that my past isn't relevant and that I'm all about the present, the future, in order to avoid dealing with my family of origin and the legacy they have left. It's especially relevant and poignant at this time of (holidays) year when the dominant cultural images of happy families feel really oppressive. I'm trying hard not to go into "minimize mode" or into "wallow mode" but find some do-able middle ground. It is simple...but not easy!

Do you minimize your troubles? Maximize them? Or are you somewhere else or doesn't it seem to matter?

[pbutton]

I am a minimizer. My T recently used the phrase 'reluctant to disclose' in an email.

I tend to act like everything is just freaking excellent. CSA? No biggie! Panic disorder raging its way into agoraphobia? Just peachy! Wanting to passively die? No problem! I'm doing so excellent that it's just a mystery why I'd possibly be in therapy.

I have no idea. I don't know what is bad and worse and not so bad or anything. I just have no clue.

[1butterfly]

I'm a maximizer.I do not apply my energies heavily to getting "well" whatever that is,(depending on who you ask).I have days where it is clear to me what needs to be done in order to progress to a healthier mindset,with healthier patterns,and other days where I am fully deficient of the awareness and motivation required to progress.Having said that,I do have a lot of desire to become well....again,whatever that is.

[Ygrec23]

I've lived with my troubles for so long that they're pretty much like my toenails or my elbows: just there as part of the whole. If they act up more than usual they get a little more attention until they quiet down again.

Actually, to me at least, my problems are so old they're boring and irritating. I can't wait to get rid of them, if I ever can. T isn't terribly optimistic in that respect, and I'm not happy hearing her. Supposedly, us oldsters are just going to have to put up with at least some of that crap forever, which (happy side) won't be all that long.

This pisses me off intensely and very much helps me continue my attachment to all kinds of behaviors that would, if I were thirty, be considered self-destructive. I mean, if I can't wind up without the pain I've always lived with, why not drink? smoke? eat at McDonald's? Keep in mind, all of those behaviors are in no sense whatsoever religious edicts. You're not going to be excluded from Heaven because you eat Big Macs. Or smoke. Or drink. Even to excess. And I don't have any grandchildren whose weddings I'll miss.

All of this future-oriented behavior is really entirely beside the point if (a) you're not able to shape up psychologically and shed those kilos of misery you've always had to live with, or (b) you really don't have great events to stay alive for. Do I really need to see the crux of global warming? Idiots in the White House? A second Great Depression? Just give me a large order of fries and another pack of butts.

[stopdog]

I minimize. I find it funny someone would think they had too big of a problem for therapy. It seems a lot of us struggle over whether our situations are too small.

[Nelliecat]

I definately minimize. I don't want to trouble anyone, even T. I feel there are others who need my T time so much more than me. I too just try to get on with everything with a smile on my face until.........meltdown. My whole body says stop, this needs sorting. Even then I can't see my problems are enough to warrant anybody's attention.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by Nelliecat

I definately minimize. I don't want to trouble anyone, even T. I feel there are others who need my T time so much more than me. I too just try to get on with everything with a smile on my face until.........meltdown. My whole body says stop, this needs sorting. Even then I can't see my problems are enough to warrant anybody's attention.

Yes, THIS. It's like you read my mind.

Originally Posted by pbutton

I am a minimizer. My T recently used the phrase 'reluctant to disclose' in an email.

I tend to act like everything is just freaking excellent. CSA? No biggie! Panic disorder raging its way into agoraphobia? Just peachy! Wanting to passively die? No problem! I'm doing so excellent that it's just a mystery why I'd possibly be in therapy.

Oh this is SO me!!! The Queen of Denial! An absolute genius at holding back! My T is a fairly patient man, but he recently said to me "I'm not a mind reader." Ouch. But I needed to hear that. There's only so much he can do if I continue to hide things from him.

About 20 years ago, I got rid of the idea that all my present troubles were caused by occurrences in the past. I decided that I was just making excuses for my behavior, and that I needed to step up and take responsibility for my life. Just behave differently, I told myself. So, you may ask, how did that work out for me? Not so good.

So now I'm trying to move forward in the present, while at the same time delving into the past. T is good at linking these together, and showing how things in the past relate to how I'm behaving now. It's hard work, but things are getting clearer. Therapy can just be tough.

Originally Posted by Nelliecat

I definately minimize. I don't want to trouble anyone, even T. I feel there are others who need my T time so much more than me. I too just try to get on with everything with a smile on my face until.........meltdown. My whole body says stop, this needs sorting. Even then I can't see my problems are enough to warrant anybody's attention.

This happened to me too, my whole body said 'stop!' Turns out you can't live in denial of all your issues forever... or at least I couldn't

I'm curious. How do you know if you minimize stuff? I'm wondering if I do this, but I have no idea.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

I'm curious. How do you know if you minimize stuff? I'm wondering if I do this, but I have no idea.

I can tell I do it because I tend to think the people in the waiting room, the people on this board, and imaginary people all deserve to see T more than I do. I feel like I should just man up and that I'm fine and I need to leave the resources for people who need help. I tend to think I should be able to help myself because whatever is bothering me is not a big deal. I feel like I am supposed to manage everything that bothers me, all on my own.

I have finally started to see how distorted this is. It took me a while to identify what I was telling myself. I don't know why, but I really believe other people deserve help but I'm just causing myself problems.

[stopdog]

I have been told by others I do it.

I don't talk about my problems with anyone but my therapist so I guess no one could really tell me if I do it or not except for him.

[sunrise]

My T has told me that I minimize. Sometimes he has had to verbally shake me to get me to see the reality of certain parts of my life. With my first therapist, I was embarrassed to tell her stuff because I felt like I was wallowing. Admitting one has trouble in one's life feels like wallowing to me. She reassured me multiple times that I was not wallowing. She also told me I minimized.

[pbutton]

Part of the reason that it took me so long to realize that I minimize is because I associated the idea of minimization with low self-esteem.

In my case, I don't think I'm less deserving or in any way lesser than other people. I think I am somehow MORE capable and need to adhere to some higher standard. I should be capable of better and not need anyone other than myself.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I very much minimize things....until it gets to the point where I can't anymore, and I meltdown. I'm working on it, but it's definitely a work in progress.

I've told my T more than once that I don't deserve to be in therapy, that I should be able to handle my issues on my own, that things are "just the way they are and I should just learn to deal with it." Fortunately, my T disagrees with me, points out that I do deserve to be in therapy, and that just because I think something "should be" doesn't mean it "is".

[Unrigged64072835]

Yeah, I minimize as well. I have this bad knack of comparing my issues to those of others and thinking, "Well *this* didn't happen to me so it really wasn't *that* bad. I just need to grow up and become a mature, responsible adult!" And a mature, responsible adult I am--until I get triggered and become this scared kid who wants to hide until all the bad stuff goes away.

That is why I'm now in T again--because after so many years of "crisis management" and just becoming sane enough to function in public until I break down again I really need to get to the root of the matter. Unfortunately, right now this feels like the emotional equivalent of projectile vomiting--I spew out everything that's been messing with my head until I feel I'm done, and then we deal with the mess. Gross analogy, but it's true. Poor T!

[crazycanbegood]

yeah i tend to MAXIMIZE. anything goes wrong and the world is ending, no reason to live, no one likes me, etc

My T must be sick of hearing me say, "it was no big deal." He stopped me at one point and asked me if I'd think that if it happened to my daughter. I almost threw up. I had to tell him he is never allowed to mentioned my child again.

[1butterfly]

Feeling ashamed of maximizing....is that more maximizing?HaHaHa

Originally Posted by sunrise

With my first therapist, I was embarrassed to tell her stuff because I felt like I was wallowing. Admitting one has trouble in one's life feels like wallowing to me. .

Ugh. This is me. I even use the word wallowing.

I definitely came into therapy as a minimizer. I'm trying really hard to be a...what's the word?...realist, I guess.

It's hard

[learning1]

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

yeah i tend to MAXIMIZE. anything goes wrong and the world is ending, no reason to live, no one likes me, etc

me too . I'm embarrassed about it, so I try not to make if obvious to t (or anyone).

Originally Posted by 1butterfly

Feeling ashamed of maximizing....is that more maximizing?HaHaHa

nah...

[learning1]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

I've lived with my troubles for so long that they're pretty much like my toenails or my elbows: just there as part of the whole. If they act up more than usual they get a little more attention until they quiet down again.

Actually, to me at least, my problems are so old they're boring and irritating. I can't wait to get rid of them, if I ever can. T isn't terribly optimistic in that respect, and I'm not happy hearing her. Supposedly, us oldsters are just going to have to put up with at least some of that crap forever, which (happy side) won't be all that long.

What is she not optimistic about? There is some problem that you can't totally revolutionize in yourself? Aren't there any other possibilities? Redefining the goals is pretty normal and doesn't mean you've failed, right? I don't know but I want to believe it's reasonable to try to feel some satisfaction in life (not from overindulging) even if I gain some new insight into the depths of my problems and I don't have enough time left in life to fix them. I already don't. Maybe no one does. Time to redefine the goals I think.

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

This pisses me off intensely and very much helps me continue my attachment to all kinds of behaviors that would, if I were thirty, be considered self-destructive.

I think they are scary, sad and self destructive at any age.

I've thought some about this. I think I minimize stuff that has happened to me, but maximize my negative effect on other people (at least this is what I hope i do. i hope I don't really destroy everyone i have contact with.)

I don't know. this has made me think. lol.