she sent my letter back to me

granite, , you have been afraid of the consequences of speaking and speaking your deepest thoughts in therapy for a long time. It takes time to work through something like this. What helps is remembering that your T has accepted you and your words, without consequence.

I think when things get stirred up in you, that stirs up your words, and then you arrive back at your worry of the consequences of speaking your words.

Could anyone explain why T's want us to read stuff to them outloud?

It is about you, so they want to hear it in our own voice, with all the emphasis placed where we want it to be placed. They want to be connected with you as you read and share what is too hard to say spontaneously. They want to be right there to respond authentically to you, in the experience, as it unfolds in the moment of the reading. Words are powerful and personal.

As jaybird said, stunning take! Wow.

She's got this, granite, as I'm sure you saw (I haven't read on yet). Your T wanted you to have it in hand, didn't know whether you had a copy, so many reasons to return it to you for your safekeeping.

In our lives there are some hard truths for each of us. Most of us have to learn them over & over, but they are never-changing. Me, for example. My sense of direction is 180-degrees wrong. Always is, always was. Always will be. Always. I don't know whether I'll ever accept that, but I guess it's gonna always be true.

In your case, granite, I think it'll always be true that your T cares. I don't know whether you'll ever be able to learn that lesson. But if you look back at your own history, there is nothing but abundant evidence that it's true.

Roadrunner

granite, you're doing such hard, deep, amazing work on yourself on this forum. I wish that you could let your T in on it!!! It would be so helpful for her to know what's going on in your mind about the letter she mailed back to you. She's strict with her rules, though.

My T reads my emails but she doesn't comment on the strong feelings in them unless I talk about them in my session. It's the same thing. She wants me to tell her, to talk to her in the present about what I wrote.

Is reading as hard as talking for you? I mean, if you look at your letter and not at your T, can you read what you wrote? I found that I can sort of disconnect from myself when I'm reading something I wrote that I can't say. It's not the ideal way, but it would be step towards what your T wants.

I feel so bad that you DO have the words, in writing, to tell your T, but she insists on your saying them. I don't know if this is a power struggle or not. What would it take for you to be able to read the words you write? Is your T's method correct, or an error? I so wish you could at least have a consultation with another T and ask if he/she would read your letters if you couldn't talk?

I'm sorry if I'm not being helpful but this is coming from my heart because of my experience with different Ts. You are like a precious jewel locked in a jewelry box and your T doesn't necessarily have the right key to open up the box and let the beautiful jewel that you are come out and shine. Or, perhaps she does have the correct key and you just need more time.

I wish only happiness for you, granite.

This thread is very triggering for me and I couldn't read it through to the end. I am very angry at Granite's therapist and I am angry at several people here.

I have felt rejected by my therapist on the subject of emails. If T sent my letter back I would feel really rejected. And nothing anyone could say would change my mind.

There are certain standards of behaviour that are more important to me than therapy. Therapists have boundaries, but I have boundaries too!

If I was a T, I would have kept the letter and sent back a note:
Thank you for your letter. I have kept it unopened so that you can read it to me at your next session.

Granite's therapist had done some wonderful work up until now and I feel gutted that she could make such a stupid mistake and throw it all away.

granite...how are you feeling today?

can't explain: i don't think anyone has told granite that her feelings were "wrong" in any way, or that she "shouldn't" feel rejected. I think others are giving her a different viewpoint that may be possible. No one really knows, and only granite will know if she can ask. i probably would be hurt too, but i don't think i would think of it as my T throwing everything away.

i've been thinking of you today, granite. hope you are doing ok.

What do you do in sessions? Do you both sit in silence the whole time?

Granite, what are your goals in therapy? Why did you begin seeing a therapist and what do you hope to accomplish? I know you've touched on some of your issues - like with the mother and your difficulty with her. But, what specifically do you want from therapy?

Granite1 - just as some small commiseration - I usually throw up before I go to the appointment, I spend the first ten minutes or so literally shaking, my chest pounds, my throat gets tight and dry, sometimes I try to talk and no sound comes out and sometimes I cannot hear the t because the pounding in my ears is so loud it drowns out all sound. The physical symptoms usually subside and for about 30 minutes I can talk, but then it starts up again at the end. And I have been seeing the t for a year and a half. I understand not being able to talk.

i am so sorry that you are able to relate so much.i have vomited a few times before therapy but never durring although that is a fear of mine.

that is tough i know some goals.
i want to be normal and to be happy.
i want to not always SI and think this is an option
i want to not hate people and life as much as i do
i don't want to have people in this world hate me as much as they do
i want to be able to just work up to my potential and not let all this stuff get in my way
these are some of the goals i have and each goal has a bunch of other goals attached to them that pertain to them.