she sent my letter back to me

pachyderm · Dec 30, 2011, 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2or3things

There's nothing, literally, that's going to kill me if I talk about that issue and feel the emotions around it.

Was this always true? Was there a time when it might have been worth your life to talk about it -- or you thought so, being so young and inexperienced?

If there was a time when talking about something was very dangerous, and you learned that "lesson" very well, then it can be very hard to know when the danger is past, whether it is safe to talk about it now.

unaluna · Dec 30, 2011, 10:36 AM

Holy cannoli granite! my T always says i'm the smartest person in the room (of course! it's just me and him, duh!) but that's just because you're not in the room, unless you count that you're in the phone, on PC! how DO you figure these things out??? just freakin brilliant. You and your T are "reading" EACH OTHER. I love symbolic year-end breakthroughs!

2or3things · Dec 30, 2011, 10:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Was this always true? Was there a time when it might have been worth your life to talk about it -- or you thought so, being so young and inexperienced?

If there was a time when talking about something was very dangerous, and you learned that "lesson" very well, then it can be very hard to know when the danger is past, whether it is safe to talk about it now.

Point taken, Pachy. You're absolutely right that that can happen. It did with another issue in my life that I've already worked through to a large degree. Less so with the one I was talking about above...now it's been more about being afraid of feeling my feelings than of any (past) external force.

In any case, maybe that's something for Granite to consider. Is part of the fear that keeps her from speaking related to worrying that there's some external danger? And is that danger still relevant today, or is it residue from a childhood danger that no longer (literally) exists since shes's a competent, grown woman?

Thanks, Pachy!

granite1 · Dec 30, 2011, 12:12 PM

i feel like some of the anger is going away and i am just left with the hurt and trying to make some sence out of this and trying to keep my T good in my mind. the hurt part of me wants to tell her,as much as it had to hurt i get it!i get there is no contact at all other than the 45 sometimes less min sessions on mondays that are not a holiday.no letters e-mail or nothing this is her boundry and she doesnt want me to comtaminate her life outside of this 45 min. she is not to exsist to me any other time.and i dont exsist to her.is this something i can live with .are these heavy boundries a reflection on how bad she sees me as being or is it a reflection on how she needs to protect herself from who i am because she doesnt have the strength to deal?because i am so unbelieveably needy.i have tried my best to not be i guess it isnt working being who i am.i dont talk much sometimes not at all.i have only called her 3 times in the three years i have seen her ,i really do try not to burden her with all the horrableness i can feel sometimes and spread around.i feel she couldnt handle it,is this why the no contact?I'm not doing a good job at that.i kind of thought i was but i guess in these last few sessions i let my guard down.i really just dont know i really think it is time to get away from her and let her be.i have written an e0mail to the other T i had contacted about a year ago when i quit and thought she wouldnt take me back.do you think it is manipulative to go to another T just because you are thinking this one hates you and doesnt want to work with you but you havnt left because you want someone else in place before you do this.i have never changed T with accually terminating .with the last T i just said it was time to take a break and i never went back and found this T.if i get a new T i dont know what i would say after quitting thisa one after three years.

pachyderm · Dec 30, 2011, 12:21 PM

I think not all therapists can work successfully with all clients. It doesn't have to mean that anyone is "to blame" or that anyone is "bad" or "too difficult".

Dec 30, 2011, 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

i feel like some of the anger is going away and i am just left with the hurt and trying to make some sence out of this and trying to keep my T good in my mind. the hurt part of me wants to tell her,as much as it had to hurt i get it!i get there is no contact at all other than the 45 sometimes less min sessions on mondays that are not a holiday.no letters e-mail or nothing this is her boundry and she doesnt want me to comtaminate her life outside of this 45 min. she is not to exsist to me any other time.and i dont exsist to her.is this something i can live with .are these heavy boundries a reflection on how bad she sees me as being or is it a reflection on how she needs to protect herself from who i am because she doesnt have the strength to deal?because i am so unbelieveably needy.i have tried my best to not be i guess it isnt working being who i am.i dont talk much sometimes not at all.i have only called her 3 times in the three years i have seen her ,i really do try not to burden her with all the horrableness i can feel sometimes and spread around.i feel she couldnt handle it,is this why the no contact?I'm not doing a good job at that.i kind of thought i was but i guess in these last few sessions i let my guard down.i really just dont know i really think it is time to get away from her and let her be.i have written an e0mail to the other T i had contacted about a year ago when i quit and thought she wouldnt take me back.do you think it is manipulative to go to another T just because you are thinking this one hates you and doesnt want to work with you but you havnt left because you want someone else in place before you do this.i have never changed T with accually terminating .with the last T i just said it was time to take a break and i never went back and found this T.if i get a new T i dont know what i would say after quitting thisa one after three years.

Granite, I can hear the pain in your post. I am truely sorry and wish she just held onto your letter for you. IMO, I think you should read this post to your T. I think you should let her know how you felt about the letter being sent back...the message that you took away from it and ask her what message she was trying to send....

No matter what you do in future, you need to hear what message she was trying to send. I spend a lot of time interpretting what other people "mean" when they talk to me and what messages they are trying to send through their actions.. and my T. says..."L___, you are wasting your time and your energy with all of that. I meant exactly what I said." I know I have dealt with so many secrets and dysfunction from my childhood that I don't believe people mean what they say and say what they mean.

You've done such great work recently...and letting people close to you can feel painful when trust is an issue like it is for me..

Dec 30, 2011, 12:23 PM

Oh granite, I don't think it's manipulative to go to another T. I would find the absolute rule against contact between sessions extremely difficult also. You are NOT horrible, you don't contaminate anything. I am so sorry. I think finding another T who is more open to letting you print things out and give to him or her, and more open to contact between sessions would be really helpful.

granite1 · Dec 30, 2011, 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Was this always true? Was there a time when it might have been worth your life to talk about it -- or you thought so, being so young and inexperienced?

If there was a time when talking about something was very dangerous, and you learned that "lesson" very well, then it can be very hard to know when the danger is past, whether it is safe to talk about it now.

there have been a lot of times in my past that i thought i was going to die alone with noone careing. i couldnt talk back then either i could tell noone how i was feeling and the few people who saw something wasnt right did nothing.i remember one time i did say something.i went to school very badly bruised from the mother and the teacher asked who did that and it just slipped out and i said my mother and that was the end of the conversation.that was the only time i ever answered and never did again.no use in talking.so many times in public she would be hurting me and whispering threats in my ear and no one saw i couldnt talk no one knew.my farthers lawyers saw pictures of me badly beaten and did nothing because my farther didnt want custody of me.i went to hospital because my head was split open with a pipe one day nothing was questioned i dont know why i didnt say anything but the mother worked at the hospital and was well known, nothing was ever questioned.in fact it was the mothers best friend and one of the big cheeses at the hospitals whos son was involved with the CSA when i was a kid.so no one there ever questioned the many trips for stiches and stuff.it is amazing how much people refuse to see if it is an inconvieance to them and there perfect lives.and this includes my T.

learning1 · Dec 30, 2011, 12:29 PM

I'm sorry you're experiencing this and I wish she had read your letter.

If I got to make up the world, there'd be light years more resources for preventing child abuse, and there'd be enough money to pay therapists to spend a lot of time reading client's letters if they were abused. (There would not be any money for militaries or for CEO's or anyone to earn millions

)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perna

Our perceptions of situations are always wholly ours; doesn't matter what the other person actually is doing (or, if it does, we ask them, "hey, why'd you do that?").

Perna, that seems kind of extreme to me. Our perceptions of situations have to have some connection to objective reality in addition to our own interpretations. To take the opposite extreme from what you're saying, if person 1 hits person 2, the pain is not just person 2's perception of the situation, it is real. Otherwise you could tell person 2 to just learn to change their perception of the pain. Just stepping back and saying "hey, why'd you do that?" to person 1 would be enough. Sometimes stronger emotions and judgements of what is right or wrong are the only genuine response.

(I don't mean that I think you'd actually go to the extreme of saying what I described would be an appropriate reaction in a violent situation. I'm just saying that I think the detached perspective of interpreting too much as only an individual's perspective can lead to that kind of understanding of even a violent situation.)

WePow · Dec 30, 2011, 12:32 PM

((((Granite)))) The T is entitled to set up their own T rules. This is fine. But if those rules do not provide you with the type of medical service you require, you have a right to attempt to find another T who will provide the service level you need.

pachyderm · Dec 30, 2011, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

no one there ever questioned the many trips for stiches and stuff.it is amazing how much people refuse to see if it is an inconvieance to them and there perfect lives.and this includes my T.

Maybe, maybe not. Are you certain this includes your T, or is it something you think does, because of your past experience? I know, it is hard to figure something like this out.

learning1 · Dec 30, 2011, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

there have been a lot of times in my past that i thought i was going to die alone with noone careing. i couldnt talk back then either i could tell noone how i was feeling and the few people who saw something wasnt right did nothing.i remember one time i did say something.i went to school very badly bruised from the mother and the teacher asked who did that and it just slipped out and i said my mother and that was the end of the conversation.that was the only time i ever answered and never did again.no use in talking.so many times in public she would be hurting me and whispering threats in my ear and no one saw i couldnt talk no one knew.my farthers lawyers saw pictures of me badly beaten and did nothing because my farther didnt want custody of me.i went to hospital because my head was split open with a pipe one day nothing was questioned i dont know why i didnt say anything but the mother worked at the hospital and was well known, nothing was ever questioned.in fact it was the mothers best friend and one of the big cheeses at the hospitals whos son was involved with the CSA when i was a kid.so no one there ever questioned the many trips for stiches and stuff.it is amazing how much people refuse to see if it is an inconvieance to them and there perfect lives.and this includes my T.

I am sorry.

I know you are right about the sentence I bolded. I struggle a lot not to be one of the people who does that. There is so much extreme suffering that it is such a habit for people to ignore it. I think you are probably better at not ignoring it than most people are, Granite. That's why I wish your t had read your letter and I want you to become stronger in spite of your t's lack of support this time.

granite1 · Dec 30, 2011, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Maybe, maybe not. Are you certain this includes your T, or is it something you think does, because of your past experience? I know, it is hard to figure something like this out.

to be honest pachy i'm not too shure about much right now and i think that is progress.i am a lot calmer and willing to entertain other thoughts other then my T wishes i was dead.yesterday it seemed so clear bye her sending me back my letter that i could be torn into a million shreads and it was not any of her concern unless it was between the hour of 5 and 5:45 on non holiday mondays...it is very hard for me to let that go

Dec 30, 2011, 12:45 PM

Granite,

As a survivor, I feel one of the strongest "leftovers" of that experience is that I feel that everything thing people say and do to me, and how people react to me in general, is *about* me. If people react negatively to me, then it must be my fault, I must be somehow bad.

Probably the most revolutionary change I have made is to change the framework in which I think about other people's reactions to me. It doesn't happen all the time, I still fall through the trap door of self hatred, but I am just very aware that how people react to me is for the most part, about them. And as I have come to be aware of that, I have felt that people have treated me in largely positive and benevolent ways.

What your T did in sending back the letter, and your understanding more broadly of her boundaries, are not about you and your badness. She didn't set these rules to protect herself from you-- at least I don't think so (I don't pretend to know her motivations, but I just don't feel that from the many posts you have written about her). I think she set this rule because she is encouraging you to find your (spoken) voice and believes that writing to her is impeding this.

And there is nothing more powerful to a survivor than finding her voice, IME. There is nothing that I have experienced that has been more healing than to say "this is what happened to me" and see, hear, and feel the response of my T's in words, nonverbal actions, and otherwise empathic and understanding responses. I have written it down, and they have all read what I've written, but that hasn't really done it for me.

So I can understand why your T, especially after being with you for 3 years, could be trying to push you in this direction of helping you find your voice. I can feel how she might want this so much for you, that she holds it as the key to your transformation into healing, that it might blind her in some ways.

But I guess I want to encourage you to consider the possibility that what she is doing is coming from a place of benevolence-- it could be misguided, it might not be want you want, but it might be what you need.

Cue Journey, "You can't always get what you want . . . but you might just get what you need."

A million, billion kudos for all your bravery in this thread and I wish you peace and comfort.

Anne

ECHOES · Dec 30, 2011, 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

i woke up again with all this crap and conversations running through my head again.some things clear and somethings not so clear.and a lot about that stupid letter and my T.i want to get it out of my head and maybe make some sense out of it so I'm sorry if it is to much rambling. these are some of the things that were going through my head that i would love to tell my T about this but know i never will.when i wrote that letter,(this is the letter http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=210252, ) i was so hurting and feeling so out of control and alone. it wasn't about being able to talk about it and work through it,i didn't feel that there was anything anyone could say.what i wanted and what i needed at that time was to know that there was at least someone who knew what was going on with me,i wasn't looking for a response or anything just that someone knew and cared, just someone at that moment in time when things are bad not 20 some odd days later.i didn't want to be alone in all this but i was.i couldn't tell anyone around me what was going on,how much i was hurting,i know that no one would understand.i just wanted someone to know.i know a lot of what i was going through had to do with the mother being so close and around,i guess my T would call them flashbacks,i can kind of see that now as the feelings i have are slowly getting less intense and she is now gone.the thought this morning about why my T sent my letter back unread hurt so much is this..when the mother hut me so bad phychicaly i know i had to be scared and i was also scared i was going to die or it was going to never stop and no one knew what was going on or if they did know(my farther,and family,some teachers)they didn't care or did nothing.i was so alone all the time i didn't dare reach out at all.but i am sure that it would have helped if someone just knew then.back then if i would have died or things went seriously wrong no one would have known that anything was wrong.no one knew or cared.i guess in a way i felt the same way when i wrote this letter.i wanted someone to know if things went really bad if i couldn't handle things i wanted someone to know.i wanted someone to know things were bad.but she never read my letter and didn't care just like in the past and everyone else.ignore it all,i am to busy in my life to even look at someone who is in pain and is being hurt .i don't want it contaminating me and my well being.maybe ill write more about what i was thinking but i need a break right now.sorry if this is so long and drawn out i really am just trying to make some sense out of how much i am hurting and why

granite, it sounds like you want very much to be heard, and that was the purpose of your letter; yet, the returned letter means you haven't been heard.
Yet.
She isn't ignoring it, she just doesn't know what the letter says.
Yet.
And when she does hear it, it will be at the same time that you get to share yourself. She'll get to hear it the way you intended it - without any misunderstandings and with all the emphasis where it should be, because only you know where that is.

granite1 · Dec 30, 2011, 01:14 PM

i just want to send big hugs to all of you.i am feeling so much more OK today then i have in a bit.i completely credit this to everyone of you here on PC .those that took the time to read all this thank you,those that were able to respond,thank you,those that were able to support me through many thanks and hugs i noticed and thank you.

than you for the many different interpretations and ways to see things,maybe none are correct and maybe all are i don't know but what it did do is for now showed me that I'm not stuck,i have options in how i choose to view how things are going and all.reading all this had truly helped me to calm down and step back.i need to stay calm and not react without thinking

how could i ever thank each and every one of you for giving me the ability to just make it through these days OK and to be heard by everyone of you is completely amazing.you all really did make me feel heard when i needed it the most and gave me the gift to know that right now i am OK and someone knows

THANK YOU

granite1 · Dec 30, 2011, 01:17 PM

PS...just look at how amazing you all are in all your unique special ways no wonder it is so easy to open up to you all

granite1 · Dec 30, 2011, 01:20 PM

thanks echos .at this point i don't think i need to read her the letter.i am ok and hopefully by the time i see her on the 9th it will be water under the bridge or i will have decided to see a differnt T.

BrokenNBeautiful · Dec 30, 2011, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

so my T sent my letter back to me unopened and unread.she enclosed a small note that coldly said bring this to our next appt on the 9th and read it to me,thanks T.that was it.i hate her and now i truely know she hates me.she didnt even put my name on the note she included.what have i done so bad that she hates me so much.i dont know what to do she really has no intrest in helping me at all i have wasted three years of my life with her i thought maybe she could care a little but i was just kidding myself.i thought that she really could halp but i guess i truely am broken beyond repair and no one can help this mess of me.she knows i wont bring it with me or read it i am sure she is banking on it then she wont have to deal with me.i hate life so much why even her god i cant even pay someone to care or even pretend to care

That...was...cold.

What she did.

I think she could have been a little more reassuring. Maybe someting like, "I think it would be a good idea for us to deal with this in person." The way she said it I would have been upset too. Like she was reprimanding me.

I hope things work out.

You don't deserve to be scolded.

How did you know it was not okay with her to write to her?!

((()))'s if you want them,

Billi

ECHOES · Dec 30, 2011, 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

thanks echos .at this point i don't think i need to read her the letter.i am ok and hopefully by the time i see her on the 9th it will be water under the bridge or i will have decided to see a differnt T.

Well, I do understand that you are terribly hurt and you want to hurt her back. Do you think you can see her again before making a decision about continuing to see her?

Dec 30, 2011, 05:52 PM

(((((((((granite))))))))))

I am so so so so glad that you're feeling a little better. You deserve to feel good

granite1 · Dec 30, 2011, 08:45 PM

ECHOS-i am still hurt but i dont want to hurt her back .i guess i am kind of sad i dont really want to react at all right now i am going to see her and then decide what i am going to do.i owe her that after three years of putting up with me

stopdog · Dec 30, 2011, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

ECHOS-i am still hurt but i dont want to hurt her back .i guess i am kind of sad i dont really want to react at all right now i am going to see her and then decide what i am going to do.i owe her that after three years of putting up with me

I think you owe it to you. I don't think one owes a t anything except their fee.

eskielover · Dec 30, 2011, 09:44 PM

Maybe you can at least get her to compromise & read your letter if you take it to your session. I think if you start feeling safe about your letters & can start discussing the emotions that you have packed away in them that you will be much better off & maybe some day you will actually be able to read your letter to your T.....it takes time to feel comfortable......you & T need good patience.....but you still have to push some otherwise we never change if there isn't something pushing us.

All those emotions that you have packed into that letter NEED TO GET OUT & you need to be able to discuss them with your T.....don't destroy the letter or throw it away........we all need to process the things that are bothering it & getting rid of the letter would just be stuffing them away.....NOT good for HEALING......which needs to be your primary focus in your T......You need to be gaining the skills so that you can handle times when your distress is at it's highest so that you can get through them in a healthy way.....keep working at it.....we are all trying to get there....it's a long process.....but when it does feel like there is progress it really feels good....if you destron the one thing that will help with your progress.....don't think that would be what the wise mind would suggest doing.

coffeeicecream · Dec 30, 2011, 10:42 PM

I am new here and don't know your story....however I think I would fire her, and get a new therapist....I find this outrageous! Boundaries my *****! After 7 months of telling my T that I did not wish to do EMDR I finally fired mine....she was very angry, accusatory, and just awful.

You are paying her, in one way or another, out of your pocket, insurance, past taxes you've paid if you are on Medicare, or Medicaid...get rid of this person...power tripping has no place in therapy!

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