[Chopin99]

These are my notes for my session Wednesday:

The final say on the post-therapy issue:
I am not crazy. I know what you said last Wednesday about post-therapy relationships because I am fully present in the therapy room. I will admit reading into facial expressions and physical touch, but I did not mishear you. You first said last Wednesday that a therapist is supposed to wait two years before having a relationship with a former client, but if a former client called you and wanted to catch up and a casual relationship developed where you met to talk or went out to lunch, you’d consider it. Then once I brought up Jeff’s concerns, you said you could see where talking about it before the end of the therapy might cause a bias in either party in the therapeutic relationship. Then you said you wouldn’t discuss about it until therapy was over. On Friday, you said were clear that a post-therapy relationship would never happen. Why did you change your story Friday to be different from what you said Wednesday? If something happened to change your mind, I want you to tell me the truth instead of making me feel crazy because you are telling me I didn‘t hear you right. I heard you just fine. You stated one thing one day and something else another day and denied there was a change. It may or may not be intentional, but it was a tactic *former evil boss* used to keep people at *my workplace* uneasy. It makes me angry and I don‘t deserve to be treated that way. I deserve clarity and the truth.

Since session last Friday, things are becoming clear to me. I placed you on a pedestal despite your many admonitions that you are very human. Yes, you are as human as I am. I place anyone I let inside the wall on a pedestal which is consistent with my dependent pattern of attachment. It is time for me to stop the cycle.

New ground rules:
1. Stop trying to force your mainstream evangelical views on me. I am a born-again Christian; however, there are certain tenets you believe in that I don’t ascribe to such as the Bible being the infallible Word of God, homosexuality as sin, the man as head of household, and young earth Creationism. Upon taking beliefnet.com’s quiz to determine denomination, I learned that my beliefs align most with the Quakers and liberal Protestants.
2. As a counselor, you have skills training and education in dealing with mental health issues. As a person of your age, you have life experience. That being said, you are not an expert regarding me. I am the ultimate Chopin expert as I know myself better than anyone else. The dynamic of you giving me advice that I follow without question is not working for me. You were simply feeding in to my dependency on you. From now on, I will question and challenge you on what is best for me and why you think it is best.

My short-term goals:
1. To learn to attach to you in a healthy manner. Obviously, I formed a codependent attachment, which I think you fed into to some extent, that caused me to obsess about our relationship and fear abandonment. It is the pattern I follow in relationships. I need to develop a healthy relationship with you to make progress.
2. To learn how to have healthy relationships with those in my life already. I am a loyal person and I am not removing anyone out of my life until I learn the source of any problems; the other person, me, or both, and see if changes in my life help.
3. Until I learn how to have healthy relationships, there is no use trying to make new friendships. However, I will begin to research avenues of meeting new people in anticipation of meeting goals 1 and 2.
4. To learn not to depend so much on the opinions and reactions of others to make decisions.
5. To start an exercise regimen to improve my mental and physical health and lose 15-20 pounds.

Happy New Year everyone!!

[SoupDragon]

Hi Chopin99,

I have caught up on some of your other posts about you and your T. I can really relate to that whole thing of working hard to trust T, sharing very private details and that at some stage having to say goodbye - it is the majoy stumbling block for me at the moment. I would love T to be in my life forever and the thought of having to say goodbye to him at some stage is almost too much.

I read somewhere on the internet that learning to trust and work to resolve problems with your T and then having to say goodbye is such an important thing to be able to do - it will prevent dependent relationships in the future and set us free from those things that can bind us to unhealthy relationships. In addition we will all face bereavement from close friends / family at some point in our lives and learning to deal with the "loss" of the relationship with T can be a useful thing to explore and learn to cope with. It may be a really sad thing to have to do, but it will still be a useful part of our therapy journey.

As I said the thought of not seeing my T really torments me sometimes, but I trust in the work that we do and that oneday I will be in a better place to be able to face the loss of that relationship, maybe to be very sad, but not overwhelmed by my sadness and still able to function in life independently.

I think your short term goals sound great and many of them have inspired me.

Happy New Year to you - hugs - Soup

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I read somewhere on the internet that learning to trust and work to resolve problems with your T and then having to say goodbye is such an important thing to be able to do - it will prevent dependent relationships in the future and set us free from those things that can bind us to unhealthy relationships. In addition we will all face bereavement from close friends / family at some point in our lives and learning to deal with the "loss" of the relationship with T can be a useful thing to explore and learn to cope with. It may be a really sad thing to have to do, but it will still be a useful part of our therapy journey.

Thanks Soup and happy New Year to you too! At this point I don't mind having to say goodbye as much. I'm stuck on the fact that she was wishy-washy about her answer. Either she should have known her boundary before I asked or if she changed her mind, tell me why. I have told her numerous times I deal better with the blunt truth. I don't deal well with people dancing around an issue.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I think your short term goals sound great and many of them have inspired me.

I'm glad to hear that! I plan to stick by my guns this year!