[sjkero]

i really need your feedback.

i've been seeing my t for about a year now, and it pains me how attached i feel to her. i think about her all of the time, seriously... about how much i miss her between sessions (i swear i have separation anxiety- for the past two months or so it's been unbearable waiting a week to see her), and how much i want to be nurtured by her in a mom/older sister way. i know this is normal and part of the therapy process, but my internal struggle with this has seriously overtaken my life. it affects everything. the craziest part is that i work SO hard (and successfully!) to hide this embarrassing attachment to her. so much so, that i think i send the opposite message, as though i don't care whether i see her again or not!!! why do i do that?? i am so scared of rejection by her (but i know she never would reject me), and i'm so embarrassed by the whole thing that i can't get myself to tell her my concerns about it. i literally can't form the words. i have her on such a pedestal and idolize her so much it's embarrassing. i am so scared of crossing boundaries that i can't even get myself to ask her if she has kids (if she told me i crossed a boundary i would seriously crawl up into a bawl and want to die)...

this all sparked from me overhearing her talk to another client about her daughter, which immediately made me hate her and think 'why the hell didn't you tell ME you had a daughter?!' so now i feel like she's never really liked me and is friends with everyone else- in fact one time she told me i could call her if i ever needed to, and when i showed hesitation and said i thought i would be bothering her, she said a lot of people call her. i immediately hated her for that, thinking that she is always talking to everyone between sessions but me it makes me so so so sad. i am so scared of rejection and getting close to her that i always act so 'professional' in session and can't let my guard down, meanwhile everyone else sees her as a best girlfriend and i hate her for having those connections

sorry so long... bottom line is this...

i don't see her again until next week, but i am seriously considering asking if she has a spot on friday (i never do more than one session a week) to talk about this. but, two things:

1. i know i will freeze like a deer in headlights and not talk about this (believe me, i've tried the past 3 sessions and can't get it out)

2. maybe this can wait until next week...? as embarrassing as this is, i would be doubly embarrassed having to schedule an 'emergency' session about this topic.

my biggest PLEA for guidance/support is this: please tell me how to begin the conversation! i can't even find the words when i try to practice what i am going to say... HELP ME!!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by sjkero

i don't see her again until next week, but i am seriously considering asking if she has a spot on friday (i never do more than one session a week) to talk about this. but, two things:

1. i know i will freeze like a deer in headlights and not talk about this (believe me, i've tried the past 3 sessions and can't get it out)

2. maybe this can wait until next week...? as embarrassing as this is, i would be doubly embarrassed having to schedule an 'emergency' session about this topic.

my biggest PLEA for guidance/support is this: please tell me how to begin the conversation! i can't even find the words when i try to practice what i am going to say... HELP ME!!

"It was difficult for me to come here today. I'm all screwed up and don't know where to begin.

I feel attached to you and even dependent. I always miss you between sessions and I find that debilitating and scary. I feel it is wrong and unhealthy to be so dependent on you. You seem so strong that I can't believe you could ever be depedent and you can't possible understand how it feels."

Would it make it easier if you wrote it and read it to her? You did a fine job of expressing your concerns in your original post. Getting it out into the open will go a long way toward opening an honest dialogue with her.

[CantExplain]

Farmergirl is right. Your own words are always going to be the best.