Pleased by wiped out

I've put a trigger warning on this thread because of some of the subject matter. Just an FYI. This is long and really just me purging my brain of too much information. Maybe I'll be able to sleep if I get this out of my head.

It has been an emotionally charged day. If you read my post in the daily check in thread (or whatever it's called), I wrote about finding out some distressing news about a family friend. I had a really strong emotional reaction to the news that I was a bit baffled by. Yes, what is happening to that family is just overwhelming, but normally that kind of information wouldn't upset me as much as it did.

So I headed to T armed with the above as a topic of discussion. T knows me so well. He realized immediately that I was reacting more to what the family members are going through than anything. I KNOW the anguish and the anxiety and the helplessness they are dealing with because I just went through that with my sister last year. It just touched that nerve and set me off.

From there, I had no idea what T and I would talk about. I'm really bad about that; drives him crazy. But suprisingly, today turned into a very productive and rather intense session.

He mentioned dealing with triggers since that was where we were at, and mentioned movies as a trigger. Sure enough, just last weekend, my husband and I saw a movie that could have really put me over the edge in the past. "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" is an excellent movie, but do NOT go see it if you will be triggered by graphic sexual violence. I've read all of the books and thoroughly enjoyed them, but they ARE very graphic. I suspected the movie would be graphic. In fact, I warned my husband about that in advance, but boy, I have never seen such a graphic rape scene. I'm actually suprised this made an R rating. As T said, it is pretty close to pornographic. Anyway, T asked me how I reacted to the scene. Amazingly, I did okay. I was able to keep it a movie scene in my mind and didn't delve into the realm of relating it to my own personal experiences. T said he was really pleased to hear that. That my ability to do that shows great progress. That was really nice hear coming from him. Sometimes the progress seems so slow, so it is nice to have it recognized and brought to my attention.

At some point he asked me if there are other members of my family who showed signs of depression or bipolar disorder. Hard to believe after all these years that we have never talked about that, but we haven't. I mentioned my sister who dealt with depression most of her adult life. And then I mentioned my grandmother who was just really ornery and mean and domineering. I remember being told about my grandfather chasing after her because she had taken a gun to the caleche pit (the implication being that she was going to kill herself). That is all I know of the incident. Not much to go on, but combined with how mean she could get, particularly to my grandfather who just quietly took her moods, T said she certainly sounds like she was very unstable and perhaps the bipolar sneaks in there. T asked about my dad. My dad is a wonderful, kind, respected man, but he is also VERY stoic. Some of that is probably the result of having to keep a low profile around his mother growing up. Some of it is truly that German stoicism that can be so common in our culture. (Dad is just 2nd generation American and all the men in that family tend toward stoicism. T actually had some good information about the cultural issue of stoicism and what stoicism represents in men. Quite interesting.) One of the effects that has had on me is that I grew up learning through modeling that we should control our emotions and "get over" things pretty much immediately. Thus, my very strong ability to repress memories and suppress my own thinking and emotions. Quite enlightening.

He asked me when I was first depressed. His guess was that it was probably at about age 5 with strong PTSD symptoms. My brain didn't go back that far, but he worked with me starting as an adult and going back in time. The memories just started flowing. It was very painful, but again, enlightening. T was right. The depression and PTSD started very young, pretty much immediately after the assault at age 5.

And finally, that's where we ended up -- memories and what to do differently with them so they don't continue to dominate my life. We just touched on that as we had already gone overtime as it was.

We covered a world of topics today, but I left feeling like everything we discussed was incredibly important. Intense, but ultimately satisfying.

On a side note, when I got to his office today, T was in the front office sitting at the secretaries desk. I assumed he just didn't have a 4:00 appointment. Well, about 4:30, his 4:00 appointment waltzes in and expects a full session which was ridiculous. T told them (it was a couple) that really, with less than 30 minutes to go, it would be difficult to have an effective session and that they should really reschedule. The wife insisted they have a session anyway (so I realized that my session would probably start a bit late because they were bound to go longer than the time they had left because, as T was trying to explain to them, it's really hard to have a session in less than 30 minutes). That was fine. I had a book to read and nowhere urgent to go, but some people have a lot of nerve. You don't show up that late to an appointment and expect the therapist and other patients to reschedule on the spot. That's just rude and deluded. I have never seen such a thing before. Oh well. He ended up only being about 10 minutes late with my appointment which actually impressed me under the circumstances, and my apppointment went full time plus about 15 minutes since we were on a roll. Made for a late night though.

(((((((Chris)))))))!

Some of the best sessions are the ones where I just let things flow...it sounds like you had a session like that, and it was really really productive.

It all sounds like a lot to digest - no wonder you're exhausted! Take good care of yourself over these next few days.

Thanks Tree. I think I finally wound down about 3 this morning. Made for a short night. T's parting words were to come in again this week if I need to. I may take him up on that offer (assuming he has an opening).

Just noticed my typo in my thread title. Hate it when I do that. That's what I get for posting so late at night.

Good work! I hope you get to revisit this stuff in session eventually.

Oh, we definitely will. We both felt like we were having to stop in the middle of things yesterday.

I was hoping to get in to see him again this week, but as expected, he is booked (I have such a limited time that I can actually get to an appointment so I generally book several weeks in advance.) That's fine though. I'll see him next week and try to pick up where we left off. I did a great deal of journalling last night which is pretty unusual for me so I'll take my writing and use it as a reference.