Help, T I need miracles tomorrow!

I'm going in the morning for my second session this week. The one I had to call for because I'm not functioning very well. Why is it that when I am depressed, it seems so much worse than the time before? I need coping skills for the next six days until, hopefully, new meds will add miracles. I only had a few weeks out of the black hole before I am back again, and I don't think I had any normal days in there.
I need magic tomorrow, T!

Bluemountains

UGH. The big black hole. I know it well, and it's an awful place to be. Pushing myself to do things - ANYTHING - that would help keep me distracted from the awfulness helped somewhat. It disrupts the descent...because the longer you're in that black hole, the more hopeless it feels.

I'm sorry you're in that place, and I hope you find your way out of it soon....(( HUGS ))

For some reason I am so psyched this morning! I don't feel like a victim, what's up? Maybe the singing birds outside have something to do with it-I don't know, I think it is a little too quick for the fog to be lifting, but I'll take what I can get! Some might say it's rapid cycling, but I am taking it for what it is worth. I might actually be able to TALK in therapy today instead of sounding like an idiot, like I usually do. As long as I don't lose this feeling in the next 55 minutes

Happy trails, guys, I'm on my way...
Bluemountains

How's it going Bluemountains?

How did it go, Blue?

Well, guess what, it was rapid cycling. The session was good until the end. I had written 3 pages about my csa, actually I wrote it as a story of another child-I can't go there. Anyway, we made progress with csa, that's a work in progress. I did talk, something I haven't done in the past concerning the abuse.

Then the rest of the session. I still can't except my diagnosis. As you might remember, I have a pdoc appt. next week and need to take the psychologist's input. I get so angry at the part of the dx that says bipolar. For years I was supposidly only unipolar. I know it's just a label, and I know it is for medication purposes, I get all of that, but this is inherited from my abuser. In other words, even when the abuser dies, the legacy lives on. Right now, I can only feel that the abuse will live on. Crazy thinking, but hey, that's what I am!

So my happy morning cycled right back to straight to bed as soon as I got home from work. Also, I was a recluse today, not socializing with anyone. I'm a teacher and it was a workday, so normally we visit as we work-not me.

Thanks for checking in,

Bluemountains

sorry it isn't so good now Blue. You are so self aware. I hope things even out for you soon.

Thanks, learning1! I wish I didn't get it because, not only do I have the diagnosis, so does one of my sons. I am so angry right now! It is going to take me a while to process and be comfortable with the genetics. I am a successful adult, and maybe the abuse sent me in this direction, I don't know, but my anger stems from the fact that I have a beautiful, brilliant 11-year old son who can't sleep, stutters, and is already on medications. He is controlled much of the time by his anger issues. He has musical gifts beyond belief, but he obsesses over past musicians who were bipolar and committed sui. Yes, he is in therapy, too.

I live with the knowledge that soon the biological father who damaged me in so many ways will no longer be here on this earth, but the bp has been passed down generation to generation. I have kept my children away from my father as much as possible, only exposing them to him at large family functions. I never want them to know who he was.

Yes, I know, I have quite a few more therapy sessions left! Meanwhile, thanks for the votes of confidence. I wish I could be as strong as I have had to be over the years.

Bluemountains

My dad didn't abuse me, but his mom abused him. His mom & he passed down bipolar, alcoholism, & Alzheimer's. He lied to me about things that no parent ought to lie about & I hated him for all of it.

I'm 65 now & one lesson I've learned might be of use to you: nothing caused me more damage than the anger I carried around. My therapists (3 of them) insisted that we work on that & we did. Once that was gone, so much progress followed quickly.

Just my story.

I wish you the best your life can give you, bluemountains. ** hugs galore **

Roadrunner

Hi Roadrunner,

As usual, I read closely your messages because you offer so much. Are you offering the advice that I should some day tell my children about the legacy their grandfather left for us to deal with? I have carried all of this around for so long, finally telling my husband of almost 25 years, and he still doesn't know all of it, so I am not sure how best to handle this for my children. My purpose in life now is to make their lives as normal (whatever that is!) as possible. I guess that means not normal, but to expose them to as many opportunities as life has planned for them.

As usual, thanks for offering!
Bluemountains

No, bluemountains, although they need their medical history at some point. I am saying that as soon as you can let go of the anger you feel the sooner and the further you will progress & heal--and the better you can help your kids.

Letting go of anger may or may not involve forgiving. Letting go is the main thing. Anger came a lot closer to killing me than all that scotch I guzzled.

Take best care of you, with lots of love.

Roadrunner