[Chopin99]

I got there about ten minutes early. The receptionist came out, said hi to me and asked if I wanted to go ahead and pay my copay, which I did. Apparently T heard my voice, came out of her office and told me to go on in when I got done on her way to the bathroom. When she came back to her office, she asked how I was doing. I noticed she was wearing the bracelet I made her. I told her I was better than last time, but I had an eventful day. I explained what happened and we spent about 15 minutes talking shop about the mental health industry like nothing had ever happened.

She then asked me what was going on with me since last week. I told her I have come a long way in that time. I told her I had spent a lot of time with friends, what had been happening with H (and how it played into my "manipulative" email), that I had a good conversation with my mom, and things were going well at work. I read her some of my journal entries telling her about the mental processes I had gone through in the past week; that I had been obsessing in general until today. I told her that I was over the future relationship and she looked surprised and intrigued. I told her I had written her a letter and I had a journal entry I wanted to read.

I read her my letter (http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=212252). She said, "Can I say something before you read the journal entry?" I said yes. She explained very sweetly and definitively that she could handle any behavior I throw at her; the only reason why referral came up was that she was afraid if I kept obsessing on the future relationship and couldn't get past it, she would be more of a hindrance to me than a help. She said she saw how much distress I was in and didn't want me to be in that state because of her. She reassured me that would be the ONLY reason she would ever refer me; if she, herself, became the problem. There was nothing I could DO to ever lose her.

We talked about BPD. She still doesn't think I'm BPD. She thinks that certain relationships trigger a certain "borderline-like" response in me and that we will work to change the pattern. In response to some comments on one of my threads, she has worked and will work with any personality disorder.

I read her the journal entry where I "let go" of the rope (http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=211909) and she was so happy, I saw tears in her eyes. She said it was so simple, but obviously worked. She loved it! I told her this situation taught me to focus on NOW, not the future. She looked at me like, "Wow...she finally got it!!" She told me that it would not be easy and I'd have a tendency to slide back into old patterns...that we all do sometimes, but that I'd discovered truth!

We finished the session talking about some faith-related stuff, which I'll only go into if anyone asks me. When session was over, she quickly hugged me, but told me directly, "I love you." It was the only the second time she has said the words "I love you" directly to me. It usually just comes up in conversation; i.e. "If I didn't love you, you might be 'just a client' to me."

So, rupture repaired, lessons learned, progress made, and I still have the most wonderful T in the world. I have a feeling this is the beginning of a beautiful therapeutic relationship!

Healing? I'm ready! To infinity and beyond!!

This is inspiring and wonderful - thanks for sharing! You go, girl!!!!

[pbutton]

Glad to hear it went well.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

This is inspiring and wonderful - thanks for sharing! You go, girl!!!!

Originally Posted by pbutton

Glad to hear it went well.

Thanks y'all! I couldn't have imagined it going any better. In my eyes, the therapeutic relationship was repaired perfectly for me. By the end of the session, I felt like her office was the safest place in the world (we were having a thunderstorm so it was dark and her office was lit with two lamps...so cozy) and it would be okay to say anything I ever need to say (except "I wanna be friends when we're done"...that I'm never going to say again!).

I think when one is dealing with the level of intimacy that develops in a good therapeutic relationship, good boundaries are what keeps it safe. We have good boundaries now, so I feel safe as well as utterly loved. I could really see today how much she really does love me.

[unaluna]

awesome, blossom! I am glad you didn't have to give up this r/s. even while I was harping on you, it was nagging at the back of my mind that my brother used to tell me that my long-time T was not the right T for me, I was not getting well fast enough - actually, I had no idea what he was talking about, he was being purposely vague and this was in the early 80's. but she had been my lifeline since 1978 and I was not going to give her up, the personal connection meant more to me than any technical skill or knowledge or frankly even rapport - we were not that good a match! But I didn't know what it meant to feel love and acceptance at even the most basic level, so I was pretty much screwed from the get-go. Anyway, I hear ya.

[Unrigged64072835]

Glad to hear you and T are on the same page again.

[rainbow_rose]

glad you had a good session!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Thanks y'all! I couldn't have imagined it going any better. In my eyes, the therapeutic relationship was repaired perfectly for me. By the end of the session, I felt like her office was the safest place in the world (we were having a thunderstorm so it was dark and her office was lit with two lamps...so cozy) and it would be okay to say anything I ever need to say (except "I wanna be friends when we're done"...that I'm never going to say again!).

I think when one is dealing with the level of intimacy that develops in a good therapeutic relationship, good boundaries are what keeps it safe. We have good boundaries now, so I feel safe as well as utterly loved. I could really see today how much she really does love me.

Chopin,
I'm SO happy that she was SO understanding! What I love about it was that she was so attuned to how upset you were last week and that she told you and showed you that the relationship can survive anything you throw at her. I'm really impressed with how you handled it! I know the endorphin-filled relief feeling that comes with repairing a rupture, so enjoy your hard-earned euphoria

[rainbow8]

Chopin, what a wonderful session and a wonderful T!!! I've very happy for you!!!

[learning1]

I get a sense I can learn how to have a good, normal therapy session from your posts. Thanks

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Chopin,
I'm SO happy that she was SO understanding! What I love about it was that she was so attuned to how upset you were last week and that she told you and showed you that the relationship can survive anything you throw at her. I'm really impressed with how you handled it! I know the endorphin-filled relief feeling that comes with repairing a rupture, so enjoy your hard-earned euphoria

Sometimes she comes off as flighty...that's just her personality, but she's actually really attuned and good at what she does. Yes, I feel like I'm floating on a cloud today, but it's not so much because of our relationship...it's knowing we really are going to work together so that I can finally heal! I'm ready to do the hard work. The rupture and the fact that it is repaired along with the fact that she was very willing to reassure me that she is on my side helps me trust her more. I now know I can speak freely without the worry of being referred.

Originally Posted by learning1

I get a sense I can learn how to have a good, normal therapy session from your posts. Thanks

My T's style is very practical; CBT, DBT, person-centered, and a little pastoral. At least that is what she uses with me. She's eclectic and uses whatever she thinks works best for each client.