So talking to T today, told her I have made everything up about my mother, and I dont know why. T said ok what have you made up? I said how she was, so T asked me "ok how was she?" I couldn't answer it, then I said I'm sure the cuddly stuff is there I just gotta find it. T said I'm sure if it was there you wouldnt have to look for it. Then I said about how I cuddled up to her once and she told me to stop doing that, and she pulled her body away from me, I told T how bad that made me feel then we sat quite and then I started smiling with a fond memory and T asked what was I smiling at? I said how I use to hold a knife to my mums throat and she would laugh and I felt real close to her then. At this point T put her hand across her mouth, this is her shocked/saddened posture and I realised that perhaps to others what I'd just said sounded shocking, not that I ever saw it like that. After some moments T said, so you could only feel close to your mum by holding a knife to her throat/going to extremes??? and she added "so you haven't been lying about your mother", I said but mum liked it, she use to laugh when I did it,.T said yes because she put all her projected stuff into you about how bad you were and by holding the knife to her throat you were acting out her projections and she liked that.

T asked me if I show my love to my children and husband by holding a knife to their throats? I said no of course not, and she said no exactly. Up until I'd told T this what I thought was nothing stuff I'd not thought about it, infact I was giggling a lot as I was telling her and knew I felt nothing, absolutely nothing, the impact of what I tell T hides itself in humour. I did say that I guess I'll have to stop slicing the throat of old women now? but T was to caught up in what I'd told her. I guess my mum and me were pretty messed up.

[karebear1]

For you, earthmomma, that was normal as a child. But that doesn't mean it was healthy- right?

I will often ask my T if what I have experienced as a child is normal because it seems so normal to me. She'll often ask me exactly what your T asks you, that is, "Would I do that to my husband or children?" And my answer is always no.

I think, on some level there is a part of us that understands that it's not ok, or 'normal' , or whatever you want to call it, so we don't continue that behavior in our own homes.

I guess this is what therapys about coz I never had any feelings about it before, but now am feeling...............

[rainbow_rose]

safe hugs if that's ok...

[franki_j]

Originally Posted by karebear1

For you, earthmomma, that was normal as a child. But that doesn't mean it was healthy- right?

I will often ask my T if what I have experienced as a child is normal because it seems so normal to me. She'll often ask me exactly what your T asks you, that is, "Would I do that to my husband or children?" And my answer is always no.

I think, on some level there is a part of us that understands that it's not ok, or 'normal' , or whatever you want to call it, so we don't continue that behavior in our own homes.

Wow, thank you so much for this, karebear. I thought I was the only one that felt this way, that some of the things that happened to me, not gonna get into specifics, but just some things, were normal. And a part of me does think that because they happened to me they are normal, like they are just a part of my life and that's that. And that is part of why it's so hard for me to talk about them, because I don't want to be complaining about something that's normal. And I do guess that a part of me does understand that it's not normal, but a big part of me thinks it is normal. This just really spoke to me, b/c I thought I was the only one that felt that way.

[franki_j]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I guess this is what therapys about coz I never had any feelings about it before, but now am feeling...............

Yes, this is pretty much exactly how I feel about certain things. I never had feelings about them before, but now I do b/c I am in therapy. But then I start to doubt myself, and I think that if I had never gone into therapy then I would just never have had all these feelings about things, and so I shouldn't be in therapy so then I can go back to living my life and not thinking about things and making a big deal out of them. But then I think that I came to therapy for a very specific reason and I would not be in therapy if something was not off. Does this make sense?

Yeah it makes sense, I guess each time I go a layer deeper the more shocked I feel at just how detached from my emotions I was. I still prefer to feel even if its sometimes shocking and sad coz the good feelings get a chance to grow too.

[Sannah]

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

Yeah it makes sense, I guess each time I go a layer deeper the more shocked I feel at just how detached from my emotions I was. I still prefer to feel even if its sometimes shocking and sad coz the good feelings get a chance to grow too.

i like the way you put that. i feel that way too.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

T asked what was I smiling at? I said how I use to hold a knife to my mums throat and she would laugh and I felt real close to her then.

That's certainly an ... unusual way to show love. But it still sounds like love to me.

It not for others to judge how we love.

I don't know if she was judging it CE, was she? Its therapy where feelings are explored, I'd never tought about it in other way then I was loving my mother, but if there's more significance I want to know. I guess I am lucky I didn't become totally pyschotic and begin cutting the throats of womwn acting out this distorted love. I mean pysco killers start from something they become accustomed to as 'normal' and its only outside in the wider community does it reveal itself as distorted. Well that was went through my mind once I'd spoken about it. Yes there were feelings of love but then I began to remember there was an underlying rage too, that is what I wouldn't feel.

[WePow]

Children are taught what normal is. Depending on the teacher, that information can be seriously wrong. I am so sorry that you were one of those children who had very flawed normalicy instruction!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

Yes there were feelings of love but then I began to remember there was an underlying rage too, that is what I wouldn't feel.

Very important stuff..........

Think this is about my struggling to hold gopod and bad feelings about my mother, as soon as I remember a good memory I feel guilt for saying about the bad stuff, then when I say about the bad stuff I feel guilt because of memories off the good stuff. As T says, just because there were 'those' good moments it doesn't take away the effect her behaviour and attitude had on you. I guess people with less abusive upbringings don't have those same worries. They can hold the good and bad togther because neither were extremes.

[nicoleflynn]

I am concerned as to why your mother laughed. Was it a fake knife?

No real knife, it was a close moment for us, but I think it was a safe way we could act our the aggression and rage we both had toward each other.

Hankster, the chicken and egg question is slightly different for humans as we are babies born pure and adults begin to put their projections into us. But I think what T was getting at here is that we had no comforting loving relationship unyet the closest we did find was me holding a knife to her thraot pretending to slice her, but this was done in a light hearted way for both of us. But if I'd wanted to hug her that wouldn't have happened. It really is an abstract of our relationship the knife incidents.

[CantExplain]

Hi Earthmamma!

I wanted to send you a private message about this, but it looks like your PM is turned off.

Is that the case or have I made a mistake?

Nope its off. No mistake.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

Nope its off. No mistake.

Will you turn it on?

No lol! .

[CantExplain]

OK then, I'll give you the "public" version of what I was going to say.

There was part of your story where I thought, "Now that's something I can understand" and "Thank God I'm not the only one."

Glad you could relate, or perhaps its sad for both of us

I don't use pm's because my experience has been that 'cowards' (not meaning you here) use them, they act all meek publically but bite when no one can see.