SA and therapist touch

I understand both sides. I went through something similar. I won't say too much other than one day we had hugs and the next day they were taboo. Basically, he got scared. He worried for me and he worried for himself. He did his own personal work and re-thought the whole thing. We talked about it a lot and set up guidelines so we would both feel safe. After some time hugs were reinstated. Now, they're not an issue at all. Give it time and allow T to calm down and do some homework. Have open conversations about it and say what you think you need. T's are human, too, and they don't want to hurt us but sometimes they need our guidance as much as we need theirs. Be patient my friend and try not to read too much into it.

Ahh ...omg I just sent a email to T telling him how angry I am he didn't hug me. Why couldn't I just leave it be for once??

I believe your T is wrong to react in this way. This would have been a really good time to show you that disclosure doesn't affect the way she feels about you.

Your T screwed up.

Hugs!! I know the feeling!! Safe touch and therapy are so important to me!!

I don't know if this helps, but when I first started seeing my T he didn't even shake my hand. After he got to know me and my issues turns out he is a hugger after all. He told me he just wanted a better understanding if touch was scary to me or comforting--it is different w everyone!

Once you get through talking about some of the CSA she may go back to touching--but I think you need to bring it up to her, that you are worried that you will never get comfort again.

Are there other things she can do in the meantime, like sitting closer, or putting a blanket over your shoulders? I just think if you can see this as just a temporary shift it will be ok.

Talk to your T

Well he could have said!

FANTASY:

T: Some patients don't want to be hugged after a session like that. You might be triggered. What do you think?

You: I think I'll be OK. <hug>

Thank you so much everyone for all your replies and support and thought about this subject. I want to reply to you all but my head is in a numb fog at the moment.

Am I over dramatising this? While I intellectually understand why touch would be reconsidered my feelings are still all over the place. I barely slept last night and want to cry at inopportune moments. I've cancelled social activities for today. I feel like T has thrown me overboard into a big dark ocean, nowhere near land and I either sink or swim.

I never imagined this would upset me so much. What are the chances I can shove it all back down and forget it? I wish I'd never started this process

There are times I've thought of printing out these threads and bringing it to T. I haven't had the guts to yet! It's amazing that I post stuff here I don't even tell him!

If it is keeping you up, write the T a note. You can decide later to show it or not but at least it can be set aside so you can rest. Hang in there!

Hi Nelliecat - I think it is your feelings that are important - those are the things that we can be good at hiding, but maybe we need to take time to listen to them and hear what they are trying to tell us - I know it is easier said than done with the whole brain fog thing, but my T tells me to "just" be interested in them and not judge them or try to escape them.

Taking it easy today sounds a good thing if you have not had a good sleep. Walking outside sometimes helps me too.

Take care - Soup

I'm lying in bed wondering how I would get through this if it wasn't for PC because I will not talk to my husband or friends about all this.

But it occurs to me that to all intents and purposes I am actually alone. You enter the world alone and leave the world alone but there is all that aloneness in between too. How can you be surrounded by people and feel so utterly on your own?

It's a cold, lonely place and I don't like it.

So T responded to my email last night about the hug. I'm pretty sure he felt like I was attacking him, and his boundries. He got really defensive, and defended his decision. Bleh...I should have stayed quiet.

I don't have an answer, but I can't sleep either. I'm feeling lonely for different reasons, but it sucks just the same. May we both get some rest!

Aw I hope you can get some rest. I'm already up and on my commute to work. Now I the rest of the day to torture myself over his response.

I hope your T rethinks his response...sometimes they can take stuff personally but on second thoughts, do it right the next time...have a good day!!!

Nellie: I am so sorry for your confusion and pain. The object of therapy is to TALK....if you don't do that you are wasting your valuable time.

Therapy is the hardest, scariest thing you will ever do, but the most important.

You say you "can't" but what you really mean is you CHOOSE....not to, etc., et......

Unless you are honest with your t, he cannot know what is going on with you. Perhaps you could write it and give it to him. We can't expect them to read our thoughts and minds, unfortunately.

If we feel frustrated, angry, hurt or upset by something the t has said or done.....we NEED to let them know....otherwise we continue in that pain.

Hugs

Nelliecat, I'm sorry you're struggling so much and feeling so alone. That's not a nice feeling at all. I know what it's like to feel so hard hit by therapy that we feel like we need to withdraw from the world and cancel our normal lives. But then that makes the loneliness worse

Can you do something 'normal' to distract a tiny bit from how your feeling? I have times when this feels nearly impossible, but when I succeed and get to Starbucks to read my book, or listen to an audiobook while I'm out for a walk, it makes what happened in therapy seem a tiny bit smaller. Is it sunny there in Bath? I'm in Brixton right now, which is rather different from Bath(!) but it's lovely and cold and sunny. Hope you can do one thing you enjoy today

Thinking of you

I don't understand this either.

No, you were right to bring it up. Better out than in.

Ts are trained to expect some "push back" from their patients, and they ought to be able to handle it.

This is what I sent to him...Was i being too harsh maybe? I know he's already over it, because he is very understanding...but I still feel bad.

"I have had something on my mind that I just can't totally shake. I am holding some real anger and resentment towards you, for what happened last month when I asked you for a hug. I mean I understand logically about boundries and stuff, but it really hurt me. It was the first time I reached out for any kind of physical contact since all of the abuse, from anyone. I don't think you realized how incredibly difficult and scary it was to ask for it. I was totally shaking when I asked. I just wanted to believe it was possible to recieve a hug and still be safe... but instead I got shutdown. I felt totally rejected, and vulnerable. I don't have the confidence to ever reach out for it again. I don't ever let down my guard for anyone. I did with you and now I regret it.

I know im being childish, BUT your boundries suck, and are extremely hurtful."

I've been harsher w/my T than that. I think you expressed yourself very well.

Thanks that makes me feel better.

This is always an ongoing and debateable subject. I am so lucky to have a therapist who understands that there is nothing more comforting to a distressed person than the safe and loving touch of another human being......for that I am very grateful.

That's fine. Quite mild, really.

I guess in general terms it is mild, but for me that was pretty extreme. I'm never even mildly mad at T...which is probably why it seemed so horrible.

I'm not sure what the chances are, but I'd definitely say even if you COULD do it, it's not the answer.

I was at a 12 step meeting last night. A woman there LOST it. She started sharing, and got more and more upset, and by the end, was sobbing and yelling. I mean, big, big, big, big feelings. She's been sober for 5 years, so it wasn't someone walking into the room with no tools, no experience working through things, etc. Her feelings were just. that. big.

By the end of the meeting, she was smiling. Through tears, but smiling. She left the meeting visibly different than when she came in. Tender, maybe, but lighter.

It really struck me, and I'm still thinking about it this morning. I tend to want to stuff my feelings, hope they'll go away, imagine that I can just not deal with them and things will somehow magically change.

But I *watched* this woman go from desperately, unbearably upset to relieved. She may feel lost again this morning, but for a while, she had that relief.

I really hope you will bring it up with T. We can't wish our feelings away (or believe, me, I SO would). So the only other option that makes sense is expressing them, asking for help, feeling them, learning from them. It hurts, and it's healing, and I don't know what else we can do.

In the meantime, I wonder if it would help at all to find a way to be in your normal routine a little. I had a week from hell but was kind of forced to maintain my normal routine and it occurred to me at one point why everyone tells us to keep routines going for our toddlers during stressful times. It kind of contained all of the emotions and confusion. I had to get up, get dressed, drive the kids around, make dinners. It was hard, and I kind of hated it. AND in the end, I think it helped me move through it.

I know it hurts, and I KNOW how spirally I would feel, nannypat. Be gentle with you.