Being too vulnerable

Well, ok, so, before I say anything else, I do think it's worth it to go back to T and try to work this out. I don't think this is an irreparable. And I do think that you have in the past had some really amazing connecting moments with this T, and it's not impossible that there's a way to talk through this that will help things get back on track.

T has asked me to stay and work through it. I don't know. This time feels a little different then the other ruptures.

What. The f***. Is that.

I am trying to think of ways to make what he said ok but it's really not. Even if he meant "not so vulnerable to hurt when he is not meaning to hurt you", that's still a really inappropriate question. Therapy is where you are SUPPOSED to be vulnerable, and SUPPOSED to show your genuine feelings, even when they are overblown. Even when you KNOW they are overblown. And he is supposed to take it, tolerate it, and help you find a way through it. There IS no "too vulnerable".

I could see maybe if it seemed like you were making no progress in finding ways to tolerate some of your really strong emotions, he might say that this is a repeating pattern that is making you unhappy and you (BOTH) need to find a way out of it. And yes, ultimately, you will be the one to arrive at the answer that works for you, because he can't know what will be best for you, and there will continue to be misunderstandings that you will have to find a way to endure at least partly on your own. But it's a journey you take together... not something where he says, "Could you try to be less vulnerable?" and you say, "I don't really know how to do that, what do you think?" and he says "I dunno."

Thanks, Sally. I think "journey you take together" is how I envisioned therapy. I'm not sure that is my complete experience.

I somehow missed this thread when you posted it but I went back and read it. That is some real dishonesty on his part. And his explanation makes NO SENSE. It's just defensive. I mean, let's say for a moment that he didn't tell you about MT at the time because he felt uncomfortable talking about a colleague, especially one whose approach he disagreed with. Well, what made him suddenly so comfortable with it now? And what on EARTH would make him think it was ok to suddenly drop that bomb on you and have you be cool with it? Maybe if he had said, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you this at the time, it was very complicated and uncomfortable, but here is what happened..." Something. Anything that acknowledged you at all.

Yes, I could have understood that response.

And something about how he can't do anything about your running into someone you know at the office? Uh, yes he can. He can reschedule you. So what if he has a waiting list, you are his patient NOW, why do you need to go on a waiting list? Here is what my T would do: find another patient who sees him at the same frequency who would be willing to switch times, and switch us. It's not that hard.

And letting you terminate that first time. I'm glad he admitted he made a mistake, but you need someone who is not going to let you run away in the first place. Yes, you know that you need to run TOWARD, not away, but you need someone who will HELP you with that. And the e-mail thing, which I don't think I even need to touch.

When I first came to PC, it served two purposes. First, like you, I saw that there were more nurturing Ts out there, and if I wanted to try a new style, I could find someone closer to what I felt I needed (my T was being distant and rather cold at the time). Second, I also realized how inherently talented my T really is... I saw the mistakes other people's Ts were making, and knew that my T would have just KNOWN better. It helped the rupture get repaired because I felt that if I could just get him to alter his style a little bit to make therapy more like what I needed, it could really work.

So, deciding about this T will be a similar balancing act. Are the good times good enough to endure the repair process? Do you think he "gets it"?

I want to say I think he gets it, but who am I to know? I thought it GOT it after the first rupture.

Ugh, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. "Too vulnerable." WTF.

So. Here we are.

I don't trust myself. I don't trust my T. I don't even begin to know where to start picking up the pieces?

I am a mess.

How can I do therapy and, according to T, not allow myself to be too vulnerable?

Did he lie? And can you ever trust him again? These are questions you'll have to decide for yourself.

If my T kept something back that I thought she should have told me, I would be very upset. But I think I would stick with her all the same. The relationship is worth more to me than the issue, in this case.

I'm sorry you've had so many troubles.

This is kind of abstract, and I'm a little confused. A month or so ago I read all the original posts, so I THINK I understand why MT stopped seeing you, or decreased his practice, or whatever he did? For one thing, I think he was WAY out of line in his original actions. But come to the end, I don't think current T can legally (or really wants to) speak to MT's specific issues, and that's what it sounds like you are asking for. If that's what you are basing your willingness to trust a T on, then yeah, I get what you're saying about not being able to tell about what's real and what's not real. Only I wouldn't say "real", I would say, as 3rdTime once explained to me here, the difference between concept and ... I forget the other word. The point is, your current T yes has a responsibility to help you with your feelings about MT, but it was never his responsibility to tell you exactly what MT was doing with his practice. He is not there to inform you, especially if it's a problematic situation for MT. Why would he want to "borrow" MT's problems, or in any way make them his own? So T dealt with you at the level of information you had. I think that is all he could do, ethically.

I am very upset. When we met this week, T and I talked about our relationship a little. T knows I cherish our relationship, and it is because of this, I will, most likely, stay. I'll just be a different...more reserved, cautious and protected...me.