[WePow]

Very sick today with some dumb cold I think I got from a guy at work who came in sick. Really ticks me off. I sent the boss an email and he wrote back saying something about recording the incidents. No kidding. Maybe it is because I am running a fever over 100 but it just made me go into my don't give a crud what you do to me mode. Dare I tell them that it is thanks to the crazy stress at work that I ended up with a breakdown two years ago and almost another one a few weeks ago?
Whatever.

I should write my T and let him kow what is going on, but I don't feel up to that either. Will go crawl back into the bed.

[healed84]

Still feeling very low.. only got three hours of sleep last night. I asked my husband to stay home from work today he did and was so great to have him help me. I have been crying on and off all day today and I really don't know why. I called and made an appointment with my doctor for Monday and talk about seeing if it is the Celexa making my mood low. I am really praying I get some sleep tonight, and that tomorrow and the rest of the weekend will be better. I can't keep on feeling like this. I promised myself if I am still feeling this down tomorrow I will call T. I really, really don't want to b/c I called him a week ago.. I just don't want to seem like I am abusing his willingness to take my calls.

[Towanda]

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

Sad and yuck.

I want to call T but I don't want to bother her, and I wouldn't know what to say to her if I did call.

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

I feel fat and gross. Ate a big chunk of fudge slathered in peanut butter. I am such a pig. Gross

Please don't mistreat yourself with words this way
Whenever I see your name I always think of Lucille Ball and all the other gorgeous red headed actresses from her era. I see beauty and grace and style. So you ate some candy, so what. You're still a beautiful person

[vanessaG]

So Tdoc again I'm anxious for our appt. tryinto come up with an agenda so we don't get caught in small talk as usual but the only thing I can think of is coping skills. Knowing you, u will probably give me some 'duhhh' anwser like breathing, exercise or whatever else which will leave me speechless on the couch as usual thinking wtf. Then well have 40 min left to shoot the ****. Yup then I'll go home, lay in bed, prolly cry on the way home, stay hermit crabbed up for 2 days and possibly write u an angry email on our waste of a session. Then Sunday I will start getting anxious for Tuesday's session.
Ahhhh yes. I just love Fridays. That's pretty much how it goes for me.

Now do u understand why I want to quit? Would u do this to urself? Im pretty sure u wouldn't.

But pls pls pls can we have a good session tomm??! Pleeeaze! Tomm is my bday, and sat my daughters. I have bday parties and all kinds of stuff and I don't really have time to be sitting in bed all weekend as usual more depressed after session.

PDOC: the fact that I went from 5 medicines to NONE FOR 2 Weeks and I feel the EXACt same is worrisome for me. I don't know about you (or this.)

[nicoleb2]

Today I got to come home from the hospital. I was there since Friday or saturday sometime. I od'd apparently, and was in ICU for a while and then on to the psych ward. I am really glad I am alive now. All I have a a few very fuzzy memories of what happened, and I am ok with not knowing, sorry I put my family through what I did though

[pianolady]

I feel mentally numb... its been a while since I was on pc because of it. see t tuesday, but dont feel like talking to anyone...

[Nightlight]

I had T today. T was fine about the fact that I'd been so silly in between my appointments. She said that it was okay for me to contact her, even in the weekend. We talked a bit more about how she's more imporant to me than I am to her. It was okay to talk about at the time, but I've really struggled since. It's like afterwards it really sets in, what it means to be less important to someone who sees right into me. Is it really wrong to wish she cared about me as much as I care about her? I do feel like if I was a better person, if I was more, then maybe she would like me more. She's dedicated to helping me. She's so patient. She's had to be SO patient to work with me...but she sees the real me...and she's willing to help that person...but ...well, nothing more that I can bear to type. I just wish it was equal. I wish the one person who came along and really saw me and helped me when no one else ever has, was as glad to be helping me as I am to have her be the person to give me that help and support.

[agma]

I am so nervous about my session with a new t this morning (he is going to be my group t when group starts). I wish time would speed up so it would just be over with.

[WePow]

You guys are so awesome. Thank you for the hugs! I called my boss to talk over his email. He told me to take off today too. I needed it because I still have a fever 99.6 and will spend today in bed again. I didn't write T. Will drop him a note since I have not emailed in 2 days. He may wonder where I am :-)

[sconnie892]

We are supposed to get a snowstorm this afternoon, but I pulled a snow day already this morning. Just need time to work uninterrupted. There's some toxic crap going on at work and its making life difficult. I feel guilty though - its not snowing at all and probably won't start until 2pm... sometimes I hate my strong work ethic.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Nightlight

I wish the one person who came along and really saw me and helped me when no one else ever has, was as glad to be helping me as I am to have her be the person to give me that help and support.

Are you certain she is not?

[Nelliecat]

I'm feeling really, really flat today. Numb maybe. I don't want to see anyone or do anything. Nothing is of any interest to me. I don't like feeling this way.

Yesterday I woke up and my head and body literally felt lighter. Looks like the viibryd is kicking in. It is amazing to me how such a tiny pill can have such a profound effect on my mood. T was really pleased to see me feeling a bit better yesterday. He always says, "I hate it when you are feeling so bad." I have a long way to go, but at least now my mind is out of the quicksand and I can function. I am so relieved that this medication worked. Now if it will just stay working instead of shutting down like just about every other med I've taken.

[SoupDragon]

Anyone?

[nicoleb2]

I feel weird today. Random crying spells. Just out of the blue need to cry. This isn't normal for me. I just got out of the hospital, so I am afraid if I talk to my t about it, she'll want me to go back, but I don't want to end up as bad as i was either

And just to add to my week... I had to go get a filling today. I have MAJOR anxiety about the dentist, but I survived

Haven't posted on here in a few days. I guess I just didn't want to be all negative. I've been feeling kind of blue lately - even after seeing T. I've felt so disconnected/disengaged this week - from everything and everyone, not just T. I emailed her afterwards though, and she sent me a lovely reply, so that cheered me up a little. She's 'there' even if I feel like I'm not!

Spent some time with a friend today but it was difficult for me to try and connect, and I felt like I was being boring. I apologised to her for that, and she assured me I wasn't - but I feel like she was just being nice. Spending time with this friend (that I knew from work) can be kind of triggering, as I get reminded of everything I lost because of my breakdown or whatever it was that happened to me.

Trying to remain rational, and calm, and do the things my T tells me to do to get rid of the negative feelings... tap tap tap tap tap....

[Nightlight]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Are you certain she is not?

Thanks. I'm fairly certain. She gave me an example of a time when she knew she cared about someone a lot more than they cared about her and how painful it was. I know she understands. There is definitely quite a gap between the way we feel about each other. T acknowledges it. It's so hard to think about and talk about, but maybe next time I'll be brave enough to just tell her that I wish she was glad to be the person helping me.

Today is the day I met her three years ago. (Maybe I get a wish for each year? )

So it's probably a day to celebrate the good things. I met her and I'd given up on life so completely. I was so shy and reserved and didn't do much except stay home and take care of my four legged family members. When I did interact with people I was very good at faking it, but it took up so much energy. I hid the way I felt and the way I struggled with life, from everyone, so I had no practice saying anything difficult out loud. No practice sharing myself.

T waited patiently, for years really, while I learned to say the difficult stuff out loud. She led the way when I needed her to. It probably wont ever be easy to say the tough stuff though! T stood behind me while I went through job interviews and then moved into work and then back to study and all of the many, many tiny little steps in between those stages. I find it really easy to be myself and talk to people I've only just met, which once was incomprehensible. She continues to do her best to help me...so I really am very grateful, very lucky and so enormously glad to have her help.

[PleaseHelp]

The last couple of days have been a lot better. The bad thoughts seem to be leaving. I've been pushing myself to go out and do things. Not the easiest thing for me to do when I feel like this. However, I knew it was better than sitting around the house. My SO has been working really hard to get 2 tests and a bunch of homework out of the way before the girls come tomorrow. Which means he spends most of the time I'm home in the basement studying and such.

Exciting news: my to be sister-in-law found out she's having a girl! She is beyond excited, as she already has 3 boys. I'm really happy for them.

My boss has been trying really hard to make things easier for me and is attempting to be more organized. I'm really great full that my co-worker talked to him and that I got up the nerve to talk to him about things.

to all

[WePow]

Still sick but feeling a bit better. Yesterday we had storms roll through and lost a couple of windows from the hail. It also punched some holes in the siding. But we were spared what many were not. I sent a pic of the hail to my T and he emailed me a few back. His poor new truck has hail damage. Poor T !

[Nelliecat]

Had a nice day today. My Dad and Stepmum came to visit and Dad went out with hubbie and kids and my Stepmum took me out for lunch. We had a good chat and I feel I can tell her most things. The sun was out all day which always helps. Now I'm chilling in front of saturday night tv after a nice bath and some chocolate

Just so, so tired. It took a lot of effort to get out of bed... late in the afternoon.

I just can't be bothered with anything. I feel like I'm moving in treacle, just so sluggish. I'm not sure what exactly has caused my mood/whatever to crash this way, but it's hard to be back to this after feeling relatively upbeat and energetic in recent weeks. Where has that optimism and brightness gone?! I'm having to fight irrational feelings and doubts at the moment. I AM on the right path. I WILL get better! T will be there for me and help me through this!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by kaliope

but I am going to trust T because I trust him. But its weird. I was crying and i took my glasses off to clean them and put them back on and apparently got a fuzz on one of the screws and it kept distracting me and i kept taking them off to see what was there and explained i found a fuzz. and he says "let me see them" and he takes my glasses and gets out his little cleaning kit and cleans my lenses. so here i trust my T so much with my mind i think i am losing, but that totally creeped me out. it was way to intimate for me. is that weird?

I started hyperventilating just thinking about your T touching YOUR glasses. No way would I let T clean mine! I have let people try them on in the past, at work, but only because I kinda couldn't say no, I HAD to be a good sport about it. But giving over cleaning power? WHAT IF HE BREAKS THEM???!!! Is he going to buy me a new pair? I know, I sound like my mother. Is this a control issue, or an intimacy issue, or are they too intertwined for us still? Good question!

[shoez]

T
how can I tell u in 50 minutes that I DONT feel like myself today...how can I tel u that when i get to ur office Im not in the same state

Nothing makes sense, I dont feel like the same person...

and if I tell you that, what if you think im crazy? what if im too much for you

Im just tired
I hatethis

I hate dealing with this
I hate hate hate hate hate!

I bet by the time I get to your office it wont matter, and ill feel like an idiot drama queen.

mayhbe you dont even believe me

maybe u dont!

I dont kno!

[Screenager]

I hate my life.

The worst part is that I can still remember when I was happy... It's still on my mind, I can easily think back to it, I know what it was like. At the same time, I know I can never go back, and I will probably never be happy. Even back when things were good and I had no big worries, I was never completely happy. It's so terrible that I kept dreaming and hoping for the time ahead of me... and now it turns out there was never anything to look forward to, and what I had back then was as good as it would get for me.

So, yeah, I hate my life.

[kaliope]

Hey everyone

I have been so superbusy with work lately, I would never know I dont work full-time. I know Im not going to be able to claim all my hours and going to have to flex some onto next timecard. Which means I am going to have to find a way to start going in late or take some time off to make up for the extra hours I have been working. My new helper it turns out isnt wanting to take on cases, just evaluate and make recommendations, which on one hand frustrates me, but on the other is going to make me a better worker giving me guidance on how to handle cases.

When it comes to me, I have been doing better. Listening to the noise in my head somehow helped me because since I have done it, the volume has gone WAY down to where it is not bothering me these last few days. This has been such a welcome relief. I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am still struggling with anxiety, but it is much easier to deal with without the noise in my head.

I wish everybody well. Hugs to all..........