[lostmyway21]

Feeling so much better since I got off the Wellbutrin and started the Topamax a few days ago. I'm sad about T going away next week, but I am so thankful he is my T, and is always there for me.

[unaluna]

Bad calls, good calls. I want to run away. Friday night I got a good call but my phone was off because I was at the hosp for my sleep study, so I couldn't tell and I got a little scared. Yesterday morning I got a bad call, from my brother. I was still in bed, he didn't leave a message. I called back, he didn't answer. last night, good texts with T. tonight, bad call from a male cousin who said he had talked to my mother tonite. he said I should call her. why should I call her? I lived with her for three years and she didn't have one nice thing to say to me. she didn't talk to me at all when I was a child until my brother left home when I was fourteen. honestly she could just fade from my life and I would not care. my brother knows what he did. he knows ALL he did; I am not even aware of all he or they did. I wish they would just leave me alone now. Their petty little egos. She already told me she didn't want to invite me to her funeral. Who the hell is she to talk to me like that. To think she can threaten me like that. WTH. I have absolutely had enough. That was the last straw. Five years later, I am saying, that was the last straw. I will get more calls this week, it's my stupid stupid birthday. I won't be able to open any cards until I bring them to T's office, hopefully no one will send any. My friends have already called me, some are out of town. I will spend time with my PC pals. I will call T as needed. Actually I plan to celebrate a couple of days early, as they will be shutting off the water in the apt bldg for maintenance, so I will shower early then go update my annual bus pass and have lunch out and go to library. it will be a really good day.

[nicoleb2]

I forgot to pick up my ambien cr today, which means no sleep for me tonight
I am already having a really bad night. Talked to my t earlier, which was a waste of time. I want to si right now and it is only 10pm. Don't know how i am going to make it through the night

[beauflow]

After logging on here, seeing a random post some where after one of mine (I was having high anxiety earlier before my nap, so I was just babbling about something; no not this thread) and after the "warm welcome" (so far from the truth) I got back here at work from a co-worker after my weekend... I am about to give up- I am bout to say w/e to this and that....

I just feel a lone right now again.... It think this is normal for me, right?

Today I was also contemplating therapy and even here at PC, at times.. Nothing is wrong with me, but yet there is something wrong with me.... I need some grounding skills that are better I think....

IDK, I got a lot of things to sort out. Need to learn how to cope with my anxiety better I guess.

[kaliope]

Pleasehelp, you can post anything you want here. your problems are not petty compared to others. there is no comparing. i have missed seeing you in DRC. we are a family here. Im so glad you decided to post again. please keep us in the loop.

Doogie and Silent tsol, welcome to Daily Roll call. Please keep posting.

As for me, I have been having horrible anxiety lately over "nothing". I broke down and took a klonopin yesterday just to loosen the tightness that has been gripping my chest the last couple of days that makes me wonder if i am on the verge of having a heart attack. I have a appt with ANOTHER new pdoc on the 13th. i planned on just getting in, getting my meds and getting out. im on clonodine, a blood pressure med, for the anxiety, but obviously thats not enough at the moment. Ive taken on a new challenge in life, becoming a CASA volunteer and going thru training for that. i dont know if that is what has brought on this anxiety or what. but my dilemma is do i do a sit down with this pdoc and talk about the anxiety and do a med change when i dont really want to get involved with the pdoc or do i just ride it out and use coping skills and hope the anxiety goes away? T and i are working on skills vs meds. i dont see t again until after pdoc appt. but the anxiety is causing me to be short with others cause i cant tolerate too much stimuli.

IDK...just thinking, processing..........

wishing everybody well.......hugs to all..........

[mommyof2girls]

Ok day today....I had a lot of anxiety though.....Now just sitting here at work.... **** sigh ****

Woke up at 3.30am and failed to get back to sleep. That ruins my nice little routine of getting up at 11am, faffing around getting ready, and setting off to T at 12. I've faffed as much as I can and got ready (and listened to my hypnosis tracks to try and relax) and it's not even 9.20am. Now I just have lots of time to get nice and anxious...

[healed84]

After talking to T yesterday.. he pointed out that I am the most anxiety filled in the morning.. So, he stressed excersizing and doing stuff during this time. Well, it is morning here now, and I do have a lot of anxiety.. I did not wake up with enough time to excersize, but am trying to get the kids ready so I can drop my daugther off at pre-school.. Hoping I get by these anxious thoughts, and keep them away for the day. I guess that what we are doing, taking it one day at a time. T tomorrow.. hoping he has some more tricks up his sleeves to deal with this anxiety until I can start meds!!

[WePow]

I see my T today. I am so totally exhausted from holding it together inside and not allowing my mind to fragment the way it wants to. I feel like I want to rush into my T's office and go jump on the couch and vanish deep into it and just cry and cry and pound the cushions and cry some more. But no doubt I will be in work mode and holding it all together by virtual ducttape. I will be sitting there looking at him and wishing I could just go wrap up next to him for safety and hide under his arms and bury myself in a hug and never come out again. Of course he would not think that was healthy and would want me to be strong inside and find that in myself. lol. But that is what I will be thinking! I am such a baby at times. At other times I can be very strong. But right now I don't feel strong at all.

Last night I was dreaming again about some new alter who was trying to form and come out. It was like all the other alters in one except they were all mean and just one giant emotion. It was just like facing a real giant inside myself. I kept resisting and pushing my mind to stay as me. But it was a struggle all night long.

Only a few more hours. If I can just make it until 3:30 so I can just see my T and look in his eyes and know I can do this. That he believes in me even though I don't ... yet.

[beauflow]

i drove home......

i know not many may understand, but it snowed after I got to work-- it was not just a few sprinkle snows either, it was a constant light snow, that yes was fluffly but it snowed on Thursday=Saturday, Sunday it melted some, and then monday night snowed.... snowed covered ice.... This is a big thing sort of for me.... I was so scared but I kept saying it was ok.. Most drivers were ok with me doing 30 and kept distants, only one pasted me which had my heart beating for they did it while we were going down a hill which I did not think was safe, but to each their own.

I am sorry to all the drivers behind me, if they thought I was going too slow, but it was what I felt comfortable with at the time...... I am shaking as I come home... My cat is sitting with me.. I think I will sit on the couch and try to relax a little and pet him....

I drove though.... My muscles are so tense that it is like ugh... I forgot, how am I going to get home from my doctor apt.. I will have to drive again this afternoon.. maybe the plows will get some of this out of the way maybe?? Maybe my boyfriend can call in late- AND I am sorry-- he said he would drive me yesterday... i don;t like this and did not expect it to be like this... crap.. but I drove..

I am sure after I calm down, I will have a bit of me happy that I did.... i don't like driving in winter, especially after last October.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by beauflow

i drove home......

i know not many may understand, but it snowed after I got to work-- it was not just a few sprinkle snows either, it was a constant light snow, that yes was fluffly but it snowed on Thursday=Saturday, Sunday it melted some, and then monday night snowed.... snowed covered ice.... This is a big thing sort of for me.... I was so scared but I kept saying it was ok.. Most drivers were ok with me doing 30 and kept distants, only one pasted me which had my heart beating for they did it while we were going down a hill which I did not think was safe, but to each their own.

I am sorry to all the drivers behind me, if they thought I was going too slow, but it was what I felt comfortable with at the time...... I am shaking as I come home... My cat is sitting with me.. I think I will sit on the couch and try to relax a little and pet him....

I drove though.... My muscles are so tense that it is like ugh... I forgot, how am I going to get home from my doctor apt.. I will have to drive again this afternoon.. maybe the plows will get some of this out of the way maybe?? Maybe my boyfriend can call in late- AND I am sorry-- he said he would drive me yesterday... i don;t like this and did not expect it to be like this... crap.. but I drove..

I am sure after I calm down, I will have a bit of me happy that I did.... i don't like driving in winter, especially after last October.

I TOTALLY understand. I have a horrible fear of driving in bad weather.

[PleaseHelp]

I went to the chiropractor and feel a bit better. Wasn't real happy with the small lecture on being on natural stuff over my meds. Spent some time with my guy. Tried to not go borderline - I've been able to stay somewhat in the grey (which is a huge thing for me).

I see T on Thursday. A bit anxious about that. My pdoc & her nurse have really been on my case that I am not trying hard enough in therapy and I need to really work harder, b/c the meds aren't a cure all. Well no s h i t! I know this and I have been busting my *** in therapy. The nurse asked me why I was only seeing my T every other week instead of every week or more. My answer "that's not up to me!" Of course, my T had said that she thinks I'm doing better and doesn't think she needs to see me every week. When I"m really struggling, she will see me every week or more and I can always call her. I know meds aren't the cure all, but pdoc was the one who said if I need them to get by during a tough time to use them. To clarify I despise meds and would really like to be off them. We tried that once, I ended up in the psych ward b/c I had a suicide plan and everything (I've never gotten to that point b4) Getting really fed up with the pdoc and all of it. I have also been able to really cut down on my psych meds, 5 years ago I was taking close to 8 different meds. Now I'm down to 3 (one was just added and the hope is that I can take the Klonopin out (except for PRN) once the new med (Neurotin) really kicks in. I have noticed that the neurotin is helping stabilize my moods a bit more, not sure how much its helping with the anxiety as I have not tried going off (tapering) the Klonopin.

My SO says I have made so many improvements, since we first started dating, and that he is really proud of me. He sees how hard I try. One night we were laying in bed talking and I was really worried about him leaving me (stupid fear of abandonment.) He told me he would never leave me and always be there for me. When I mentioned the mental health stuff, his response was something like "why would I leave you over such a small thing." I started laughing (almost hysterically), mental health is a small thing! I couldn't believe, still don't completely. But wow have I got a keeper, if he thinks my mental health "issues" are just a small thing.

Sorry for the long post.

[nicoleb2]

Finally fell asleep at 7:30 this morning to get up at 8:15 to get my kids ready for school (forgetting to pick up sleep meds is a very bad idea). Kids were brats as usual.

My only "friend" is pissed at me because she texted earlier after i had finally fallen asleep, and had a migraine anyway. She's now pissed at me because I didn't help with some stuff from school. I couldn't have anyway due to visual disturbances from the migraine.

I wan't to si, to run away, to just go away and never come back. This is not worth the fight anymore

[beauflow]

awe colorado, it is amazing,. the roads clear this afternoon...

I need to get some sleep..

Doctor appt for the chest cold, ugh-- why did I go- it is bronchitis right now, but if this does not clear up in two weeks; she wants me to get chest x-rays... I am 25, and she says my lungs sound like at least a 50 year old's and that I need to stop smoking... she wants me talk to my pdoc and therapist about welbutrin she seems to like that better than chantex for stop smoking.... and it should help with stabilizing mood swings she says

I am just getting caught up- bearly, still owe over 3000 to surgery in 2010 -- and a chest xray they want....

I know best to catch stuff early, but ahhh.. I did not mention my head aches as Pdoc requested though, another day perhaps.
Ok... sleep i guess. IDK what is up with the meds for the chest cold, I called and they say they have no request for me. so guess nap, and get up before having to pick up my boyfriend from work to see if maybe then they are in.

Hugs everyone

I had a really good session with my T today! We talked about the most awkward thing imaginable to me, something I never thought I'd discuss with her - or anyone - but she made it okay. I feel like someone finally sees me, and yet still accepts me how I am. I feel like I could literally tell her anything now. Anything. I've never trusted anyone so much before, not in my entire life. It's nice. We also used EFT/tapping to work on my feelings, and I feel so much better now, so much more at ease.

I feel happy... actually happy! And rather energised! How strange! I hope I can hold on to this feeling

Really crappy day.

[Switch]

Hey all,

I'm here, and stressed as hell. I had a midterm today, and now I'm procrastination on an essay due tomorrow that I haven't started. Had to skip T this week to study for the midterm.

Not doing so hot, but I have been much much worse. At least I look pretty! (I get dressed up when I'm stressed and have been doing a hot classy/punk look with purple accents)

Please send me good vibes/prayers/and strength for this essay... I'm really worried about it.

[WePow]

Wanted to post an update for today. I got to see my T and it was very nice. He could tell I was exhausted and he helped me make sense of the intigration process I am going through. It really is an amazing experience to heal in this way.

I just love my T. It has been worth the effort to keep on working through the relationship. I was able to use his shoulder last night as just a place to vent and get out some of the pain I was in and I was able to trust him to hold that space and not be mad at me. I even told him I hated him in that email!!!! And when I was typing it out last night, it was the absolute truth!

The amazing thing is I was able to feel anger and rage and hate and I was able to express it and still trust the framework of the relationship was not going to change on me! I trusted the safety of the therapy relationship. I am not sure if I am explaining this the way I am feeling it, but for me that is a very big thing to really have infront of me. It makes me think that in the real world I may now be able to put a little more faith in the other frameworks of relationships. I know I would never be able to tell a friend I hated them, but that is because it is a different relationship. But I do feel that maybe now I can tell a friend "what you said made me feel sad" and I can expect the framework to hold solid and not just go all whompas on me and there I am with no clue as to what I did wrong.

The next two weeks will be busy for my T and for me as well. So I am going to just keep on just letting my brain heal and doing what I need to do (and want to do) to keep my new-found mental health. It is almost like I went out and spent a lot of hard earned money on getting my banged up brain put into factory condition, and I don't want to get a scratch on the new paint!!! LOL !!!!

It is finally nice to be able to say that not only do I adore my T, but I think I may just love me as well :-)

[Unrigged64072835]

It's late and I can't sleep. Mind is racing a million miles an hour trying to prepare for every worst outcome possible. I really need to stop thinking something really bad is going to happen to me, or else it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Daughter's birthday is Thursday and she's having a party Saturday. I'm not ready for either one of them. I wasn't a typical teenager and neither was my husband. We're both shy, quiet introverts. Our daughter, on the other hand, is extroverted and brutally honest. I'm pretty sure her friends are the same way. I'm not looking forward to this at all, but I'll grit my teeth and get through it.

Right now, though, I want to cry and eat like fifty billion calories. I'll do neither and try to get some sleep.

[karebear1]

You're in good company Fharraige- I could've written your post myself, except the part about the b-day and going to sleep.

[Nightlight]

Saw T today. Talked about a lot and she was helpful but I feel like something is missing... or gone. Like I used to think the relationship we had was so special, but really I'm just a person that she helps... and she does help! It just isn't quite what I thought or hoped it was... Now back to another whole week to make it through before I talk to or see T again.

[agma]

Yesterday was horrible and today isn't starting that great either. I feel really guilty because I lied to my H last night when he asked if I had injured yesterday while at work. I didn't want to lie but for some reason I couldn't say yes. Probably because I didn't want to see the look of disappointment again since I've been cutting daily and he knows about most of it. I really NEED to stop cutting but I do it so much that I don't know if I can at this point.

[Nelliecat]

Not a bad day really. Felt particularly buoyant this morning. Have T tomorrow and after my no-show on tuesday I'm feeling a bit distanced from the whole T thing, or maybe I'm trying to distance myself purposely so as not to get hurt again. Hope I sleep ok tonight, rather than the usual broken sleep I experience before a session.

[kaliope]

goood vibes>>>>>>switch.......is that why i put purple in my hair? i guess it does make me feel better....

i am still feeling very anxious. i called T after my last post and left a very long message. he thinks the anxiety is related to appt with new pdoc and he checked with med clinic and apparently they have got the appt all screwed up. he called me yesterday to inform me of this and that he was goign to straighten it out for me (not his job) and again this morning. he has got me set up with a pdoc he thinks highly of and that he believes i will get along with one day after my appt with him next week so this will give us time to discuss her at least. i was kinda hoping for a woman this time. i dont know why. i generally dont gravitate toward woman doctors.

last night i wanted so bad to get out of bed and si. i could see myself doing it. i havent done it in a couple years but i could feel how much it would reduce my anxiety and make me feel better. this morning i was laying in bed after t called thinking how i just couldnt go on any longer. i wasnt crying, but i was imagining myself curled up crying, just not being able to face the day, not being able to go to work and see clients and teach class tonight. and i wondered how much worse is imagining that than experiencing that. how close and i to really breaking and not being able to function? And i couldnt help but thinking, maybe all i really needed was a big hug.

Please help--i just wanted to give you some forewarning, that when you do decide to get off the klonopin, if you have been taking it daily, you want to do it very slow. i was taking .5 a day for a long time and decided to go off. i discovered i couldnt just stop taking them. so i broke them in half for a week and then half again and again and then moved to small doses every other day, then every couple days and so on. it took me three months to get off and even then i went thru withdrawals. cold sweats, dizziness, etc. it was miserable. pdocs never warned me the risk, even tho i was taking such a low dose.

hope everybody is doing well...hugs to all..

[PleaseHelp]

Here are some big hugs.

Originally Posted by kaliope

Please help--i just wanted to give you some forewarning, that when you do decide to get off the klonopin, if you have been taking it daily, you want to do it very slow. i was taking .5 a day for a long time and decided to go off. i discovered i couldnt just stop taking them. so i broke them in half for a week and then half again and again and then moved to small doses every other day, then every couple days and so on. it took me three months to get off and even then i went thru withdrawals. cold sweats, dizziness, etc. it was miserable. pdocs never warned me the risk, even tho i was taking such a low dose.

Thanks. I was taking it 2x a day and weaned myself to once a day. I'm taking 1mg every morning. I know last time, pdoc tried to take me off it she dropped me to .5mg. It was probably too much. I got severe headaches, just what I need since I'm already very prone to them. If I decide to go off of it, I'll be doing it very slowly this time. My main concern with going off meds (and this has always been a concern) is going off them when we have the girls. I don't want them to see me like that and then try to explain why. I'll probably end up waiting b/c we have them a lot the next couple of months. I'm not complaining about having them more, just know that it isn't good timing to come off the med.

This morning was going well. Then I saw our neighbor had come home. She is a music teacher at our girls' school. Right after wondering if she was OK, my mind went straight to "OMG is something wrong with the girls, did something go wrong at school." I know its totally irrational thinking, but that's me. I have a tendency to catastrophize (spelling) things. I told SO "I know I'm probably being very irrational, but neighbor came home and now I'm worried about the kids." Instead of just reassuring me that the kids were fine. He says "She probably came home b/c there was a huge accident at the school and all the kids are injured." JERK. You know I have a tendency to think the worst out of any situation, I told you I felt I was being irrational and you say something like that. Tried talking to him more, I raised my voice, he starts yelling at me. All I wanted was some validation and reassurance and he has to be an arse about the whole thing. He is not real good on the whole validation thing, and told me & my T that he would work on it. When I pointed this out to him, his response "well you told me you were thinking irrational, so what do you want me to say. Stop being irrational." I was so pissed off that I just walked away. GRR.