[sconnie892]

T this afternoon and for the first time I have an hour between the end of work and my session. I feel like I might actually be able to prepare rather than flying out of the office and having the 5 minute drive to think about my session. I am already anxious though - t saw the really down side of my last session - but now a week later I've managed to intellectualize it and I'll be able to talk about it very calmly. But I don't want to! I want to express the feelings, not my own analysis of what went on...sometimes I really hate the rationalizing part of my brain.

[PleaseHelp]

Things have been going fairly well.

Today I have T and we are beginning trauma work. I'm nervous, anxious, and so on. I go straight from work to T (it's maybe a minute drive). I always feel so rushed. I'm hoping things aren't too rough right away.

Things at work have been crazy. I'm trying really hard to just focus on what needs to be done. It's been almost a week since I felt an anxiety/panic attack coming on at work. My boss is really trying to help be more organized and give me more direction. I am very great-full for that.

to all.

[Nelliecat]

Today I had the first session with T in ages where I actually felt connected to her. I cried and panicked about something and she helped me help myself to calm down. I showed her the SI scars on my arm and she told me I needed to look after them. She also talked about writing down exactly how I feel next time I feel like doing it and also mentioned alternative ways to of coping. I'd heard them before but something about hearing them from T made them sink in a bit better. Maybe I feel more connected because I let my guard down a little bit and let her in. Something must have felt safe enough for me to do that today.

Feeling the benefits of yesterday's session and hypnosis, I think! I feel a little more motivated, more optimistic, and definitely more positive... can't argue with that

I did a little tidying/cleaning so I'm feeling quite proud of myself... and my car went through its MOT today and so I'm still 'on the road', which is a relief!

My mood is much brighter than it was this time last week, and I'm hoping it'll continue with some consistency. These strange moods and ups and downs, mostly downs, have been so exhausting to keep up with...

I think we can put today down as a bit of a win

[WePow]

Daily check-in time. I had to go to the dentist today after work. That is a HUGE trigger for me usually. But my dental hygienest commented on how calm I was. I told her about my EMDR work with my T. Her sister has PTSD from combat, so I gave her my T's information. Then she was asking me about what made my PTSD. So I shared a bit of it. It was odd because she said when I first started seeing her in 1994 (ha ha - I was only 24!) that I cried when she put the chair back for my cleaning and I would just shiver like a leaf. I don't remember that. I know I didn't like it. But she said she knew I had problems but she didn't pry.

It was difficult because one of my primary abusers is also her client. And today she put the two together for the first time and was in a bit of shock when I admitted to the situation as being abuse which started when I was 11yrs old and the other lady was 23 yrs old at the time. She at first said "Why you? Why did your dad and your ex husband and (ex-roomy/abuser) all do that to you?" It was like she didn't believe me. But I just looked at her and was like "I don't know." And then she changed her tone and the subject. So I was happy.

Tommorow I have to open for work. That puts me being there at 4:00AM . I don't mind doing it. But I really wish I would not have had this talk today with her because now I feel very alone and isolated.

[FourRedheads]

I wrote it ALL down..what I can remember.

[kaliope]

its late but it has been awhile since i posted.....

think about it guys....if they arent there for you after a suicide attempt.. were they really friends to begin with????? just asking???? true friends would know what you are going through, know what kind of hell youre experiencing, what you are trying to escape...they would understand your desperateness....i do....

well, i think my buspar has finally kicked in. my anxiety is much more under control, more managable, thank god....

work is way more busy than i can handle though, stress bad, my helper turned out not to be the help i thought she would be which is a total bummer but my boss has given me permission to delegate some of my work to other individuals which will be a great help. this brought on by my going to ask if someone could use an unoccupied office and breaking down into tears over how overwhelmed i am. but a benefit of the stress is, in the last 2 1/2 weeks since i have been to the dr for my ear infection, ive lost 9 pounds!

well, hugs to all....

[beauflow]

Everyone

i feel lately....... accomplished but empty at the same time... excited but sad at the same time... I am tired, exhausted, but yet have energy...
I wish my boyfriend would feel better, am beginning to worry that it is a mental sickness that is taking over his body and making him sick.. I am worry I am the cause with also the newly added stress.... he tells me no, but what would you expect someone to say right? or maybe he does not realize it.
My sister emailed me out of the blue-- she too issues... I find it strange- Brother, sister, myself -- all around the same time- We don't talk to one another that often, so it is not like that sort of connection..... why does it have to run in families... why does it have to cycle... why.. i don't want to be split any more.

[healed84]

I am happy to report I am doing better.. I have been sleeping better, I have not been staying all cooped up like, I used to. Yesterday, while my daugther was at preschool, instead of sitting at home watching tv, I actually went out and ran errands like I used to do. One thing, that I am coming to realize as my anxiety gets under control.. is that, I obviously still have irrational thoughts, it is just that they are not grabbing a hold of me like they used to and causing panic. So, now.. the hard work starts.. changing those thoughts, trying to realize why I have those thoughts in the first place.

I had an appointment with T on Tuesday.. it was a really good appointment. I think it was the first time I walked away from a session really feeling a connection, or that he had some kind of understanding of me. Which, is good.. but scared the heck out of me as well. I am starting to realize that there is a certain amount of trust for him, which is new for me. I don't like trusting people.. b/c that means there is a potential for being hurt.. I don't like that b/c we are supposed to be working on me.. and I don't want to have to worry about losing T.. I wish there was a way to do this sucessfully that doesn't mean I get attatched.

I don't have an appointment with T this coming week unless there is a somebody else cancels their appointment.. Which, I am okay with. I guess that is the price I pay for seeing a good in demand T.. he is very busy.

[Nelliecat]

I've seen a friend this morning and I put on a good, smiley front, now I'm exhausted from not just being the me I am at the moment. Stupid really because she would have understood.

I tried to go back to bed this afternoon but every time I close my eyes little memories come back to me. Memories that put me into a bit of a panic. I don't know whether my imagination is being overactive and I'm making more of things that aren't really there. I feel horrible. Shaky and cold and IDK, like there's something wrong with me, like I'm wrong. I don't want all this anymore.

[PleaseHelp]

My appointment with T went well. But we started with the easy stuff. Trying to not think about our next appointment and what we will be getting into. T told me to reward myself for doing such a good job. So, I went to a thrift store and bought some things for myself and ran a few other errands.

On Tuesday, my friend's gf asked if I would like to get together with her on Thursday for a girls night and hang out. I don't know her very well so I figured, sure why not. Plus my guy friends have been asking me to get to know their gfs. I text her at 8 to find out if she still wants to do something. She decides at 9 to go out. OK I'll go out for a bit. Total bust. Get there try to talk with her but people she knows keep coming up and talking to her. I get completely left out. Then guys make comments about my shirt and I feel completely awkward. Get home and tell SO. His comment "if you don't want the attention don't wear such tight shirts." I didn't think it was that tight and if he thought it was he could've said something b4 I left. Try to tell him about my night. He's busy playing a computer game (WoW) and isn't really listening. Then asks for a yes or no answer to his question, when I tell him it's not a yes or no type of question he repeats yes or no. I'm like why do you even ask if you really don't care to know. I go upstairs and he doesn't follow or talk to me. I go to bed upset and hurt. I lay in bed thinking about all kinds of things. Like he's right I shouldn't wear certain clothes, then I feel bad for even going and buying stuff. Now I'm back to: I don't deserve to reward/treat myself for things, better to spend the money on him or the kids or the house. Why do I even bother. Wake up in the middle of the night to find he hasn't come to bed. Go to ask him to come to bed and he tells me to go back to sleep. I tell him I don't like to sleep alone and he says "where's Turbo (dog)" I'm like are you serious, but respond "waiting for you." SO - "I'll be up in a bit." Me - "nice to know that its the dog that you're coming to bed for" and stomp off. When he does come to bed, the dog is b/t us. When I make a comment about it, he says the dog will move in a bit. Are you serious! I feel like the dog comes b4 me so often.

Sorry for the long ramble. I needed to get it off my chest.

to all

Doing okay today. Still tired, but I've managed to get some things done. I had another appointment with my doctor and he reassured me that these ups and downs I've been having are normal, but that I seem to be on the right track.

I still have some sense of calm and optimism about me! T emailed me a little while ago and said we can do hypnosis as often as I like I don't know what it is about it, but it really does seem to help - a lot. I didn't even know if I believed in it before I met my T, but wow.

I'm going to try and have a constructive, productive, happy, and peaceful weekend. Possible? I guess we'll see! Wishing you all a good one too.

(((((everyone)))))

One more class and I am off for Spring Break. We don't really have any plans. Wednesday will be our 25th wedding anniversary, so we are working on deciding on a plan for that day, just the two of us. Thursday, however, will be the one year anniversary of my sister's death. It will be a hard day, but I am relieved that we'll be through the first year of "anniversaries". It has been difficult.

[nicoleb2]

Still upset that my "friend" is no longer a friend after I was in the hospital, but I'm coping with it.

Tomorrow I get to go to mall of America with my daughter for the great girl gathering (Girl scout 100th anniversary celebration). It's going to be craziness

Monday is the 15th anniversary of my dad's death I can't believe it's been that long! Next year he will have been dead as long as he was alive in my life

[beauflow]

Hugs all-- sorry i write so much some times.

I hope Friday morning is the last of this--- (But I know it is not- I can hope all I want).
I had another anxiety emotional partially delusional/paranoia what ever you want to call it attack....... I did eventually calm down; course after smoking cigs and just holding myself... just rush with life, work, everyone is against me stuff and very bad thoughts from all sides.... i am tired of things like this-- another part takes over me and i can't get a grasp all the time with it.... it is anxiety i am sure- panic of not being in control, and not knowing what to do or what will happen and thinking of the worse of breaking down

Today hopefully-- I wish to the stars above- my boyfriend goes to the doc he found that will take noninsurance people ....- he thinks he may have pneumonia which if soo he need to get treated... I jsut don't get why the hospital did not say anything if he does have it- IDK the hospital was very quick to dismiss him i think... but idk.

Other than that-- I will try not to stress about next week at work- I have been put up to do the impossible and in technicalities- 8 hours of work with no breaks, no food, technically per rules no water either due to where i will be (no one will be around to relieve me and I have to stay due to customers things), have to split myself in 3 places..... and yeah--I am HOPING that i am over exaggerating as many read this and think Yeah right that is against the law---IT IS- But they have done many things against the law but have good lawyers and get people to shut up and the people I work for absolutely don't care and then twist what happens so it make you look bad- been through it!....but with past events like this- it is pretty much to that of what i have wrote-- i need to get out of this job-- it kills my inner me some days.

[WantingtoHeal]

I've never participated in this. Guess it's just a general update of what's going on.

Not sleeping well. Averaging about 4 hours a night. Conversations in my head super active. Still madly attached to my T and trying to get it out in sessions, but struggling. Maybe next week. Saw old T who confirmed DID diagnosis - denying it. Still on medical leave from work. Can not imagine going back to work - don't know how on earth I did it. Trying to make it through the weekend. Lonely. Really hoping it's possible to get better one day. I hope, I hope, I hope.

[sconnie892]

I've changed how I am writing in my journal.

For a long time I was writing nice and neat - just in case t or anyone else might read it. But t has assured me that she won't ever read my journal because it should be a place for me to express freely.

So after my last session (which ended on t appearing to be upset with me) I came home and started just writing as fast as I could. The change in handwriting is very stark. No more contemplating and making the phrasing sound perfect - just a total emotional thought outpouring. And it is amazing. I can feel the real emotions rising to the surface now. This is the third day I've been writing this way and I feel such a release. I had to get out a new journal because I've filled the first one.

[kaliope]

Welcome to Roll Call WantingtoHeal....

Nothing to report today. Overwhelmingly dizzy and nauseous from my ear problem. Just wanted to say Hi and see how everybody was doing. Give hugs to those that need them. Avoid report I need to finish..hehe...

Anyway, hugs to everybody and hope you have a good day.

Today hasn't been too bad, but I've been tired and only managed to get up late, so I didn't done all the things I wanted to. Went to mums late this afternoon for a few hours, but I found myself feeling really... I don't know, negative. Sometimes I just think she's such a bitter person, complaining about the same things and the same people, stuff that isn't relevant anymore. I don't want to hear it. Sometimes I just don't want to be around her - and I feel awful for feeling like that because I know she loves me really, and she's talking about trying to get me a newer car later this year... I should be grateful for the things she does do for me, rather than being narked about the bad stuff, about the past, that she's not who I want her to be. I've been trying to work through this stuff in therapy and I thought I was over it but then I get to her house and she's been drinking and she's slagging off her sister and she forgets I don't like evaporated milk... and, I don't know. These things spiral. I pasted on a smile and got through our alotted time, and then I made my excuses and my way home.

I got home and my phone kept going off. Then my laptop was acting funny and the arrow wouldn't move from the middle of the screen. I must have rebooted like three times. Final straw. Wailed like a baby, threw my phone at the wall (again) and just felt like I'd completely crumpled. Then the laptop started working. So I tried to recover my mood... I did my page for the day in my art journal, and tried to scribble away the rage, the anger and pain that's bubbling away...

I still feel it bubbling, and panic bubbling along with it. At a loss, alone, despairing. You know when you just feel as if you're going to be swallowed whole by the darkness? That. I'm sorry, that probably sounds dramatic. I know that this will pass again. That things will be okay. The lows aren't as low now, or low for as long, I need to remember that. But this feeling is still scary for me, even though rationally I know all of that.

I'm going to listen to some meditations and some music and try to regroup. Going to try and take heart from my T's words, try to think some nice thoughts, relax, drift to sleep, and wake up to a sunnier tomorrow... totally.

Sorry, self pitying drivel. I'm fine really. At least, I will be - tomorrow. Just a blip.

[sconnie892]

We have unseasonably warm temperatures here today. It feels like May instead of March. It's a really good day. I finally feel alive again.

Just flat/numb/bored/exhausted/empty/lifeless/blah...

[kaliope]

was texting with my old T yesterday, thanking him for all his help and expressing appreciation for his contribution to my life. he went thru hell with me, but closed our conversation with how i "did the work, that simple" and then added a smiley face. that little smiley just means the world to me. i know some of you will understand that.

hugs to everybody, whether you need them or not......

[healed84]

Added a trigger warning for anybody who has issues with dental/medical issues..





I have been dealing with an infection that started from a bad tooth, went through two antibiotics, went to my sinus cavity and started to effect my eye. I have been on two oral antibiotics, and 2 antibiotic/steriod eye drops and it is still not going away. Went back to the doctor on Friday, got a stronger oral antibiotic. So, anyways.. I woke up this morning convinced I was getting worse. convince that the infection was spreading to my whole body.. I was able to keep the panic at bay for a couple of hours. However, after church after dwelling on it for a couple hours I looked in the mirror and was convinced I had new bigger swelling all over my face from the infection. Freaked out, had my husband bring me to the ER. I was full out panic when the PA came into the room, just a crying mess.. convinced that I was gonna need iv antibiotics or whatever.

I think my panic makes people look at me like I am crazy.. The PA just said I was already on a strong antibiotic and he could barley see any swelling in my face, and that I needed to calm down. Gee, thanks. Anyways.. yeah, so panic NOT under control. I feel like such an idiot right now for gong to the ER.. For not having the surgery done 2 years ago when I was supposed to, that could stop this issue in the first place.

No T appointment this week unless he has a cancelleation.. Which, I am torn about now. It would be nice to let all these feelings out with him, but its nothing new and we talk about it a lot.. I feel like a broken record. Although, I would like to hear his thoughts on if I should increase my dose of Celexa, before I meet with my doctor on Friday.

I feel so broken right now.

[nicoleb2]

I spent the majority of the weeekend at the Mall of America with my daughter for the great girl gathering (100th anniversary of girl scouts). It was CRAZY busy, but ended up being fun.
Not looking forward to therapy tomorrow - I have to discuss my suicide attempt with my t. I don't even want to think about it!

[healed84]

Today I want to disappear. Waiting for T to call me back.