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((((((Kaliope))))) Good vibes >>>>>>>Kaliope

Thank you for the good vibes. I hope you get the ones I sent you back, and I hope they find you doing alright.

This essay is killing me. I'm skiping class to keep writing it, but like everyhting in my life I have to wait "until the mood takes me" to get even a part of it done, or else trying to concentrate causes me physical pain and more stress than 15% is worth! My mom thinks it might be the ADD that's making this so hard, but I just want to get it done. The worst part is that I'm not even half way through and I'm already over the word count! I know it's stupid to complain about this sort of stuff, but I wish I wasn't so good at essays that I can't dumb them down. It's ridiculous.

I have T tomorrow and I have a lot to talk about but just don't want to open up.

I want to play Mario 64, or go shopping for carving tools and get some art done, or I want to read... but I can't because I have to sit here staring at my computer until my mind lets me write again. I feel like I'm a prisoner to my brain chemistry, that it is my jailer and I must obey it's schedule despite wanting to have the freedom to do good. Oh when oh when will my parole be? How I miss the days I could freely walk the streets and do as I wished, committing to projects both good and bad, and knowing I would do them.

Okay, artistic procrastination ends here. I just want to get this done!

[nicoleb2]

I'm feeling a bit less suicidal than yesterday, but still having really bad urges to cut. I should call my t about it, but I have bugged her so much already that I don't feel like I can bug her again

[Switch]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I'm feeling a bit less suicidal than yesterday, but still having really bad urges to cut. I should call my t about it, but I have bugged her so much already that I don't feel like I can bug her again

Do you have anyone else you can call? A friend, SO, or family member? Maybe just going out to coffee with someone might help for a bit, and having someone you can let know that isn't your T. I know it seems like a lot to put on someone who's job it isn't, but I know from both sides of this they would rather help you now then have to help you later.

[Screenager]

I feel so ****** right now. Sent T an e-mail telling her I always miss her during the week and feel very attached to her. Now I feel like a complete idiot, and I also get these terrible "I don't mean anything to her, I'm just a tiny part of her job" thoughts. This is probably laughable, but I wish she was my girlfriend. I want her to save me, to love me, but she can't/won't, and I'm going crazy.

Sorry for the weird rant. I don't even know if this is what this thread is there for, I just badly needed to vent.

I'll try to go to sleep soon. I hope I'll feel better tomorrow.

[beauflow]

Screenager-- this thread I think is anything goes-- Rant all you want.. lord knows i have here.

Please Help-- I get that with my boyfriend some times, I don't think he fully understands the thing with validation at first, but usually it gets talked about due to for me it builds anger with me towards him... Lord knows too many talks I think on this. But he is in good intentions and it is just him.

NicoleB- just a personal thought, I Think you should call, don't matter if you bothered her- it is her job to help out her patients. (I know i say that but would I call?)... But if you have the ambition to call your T, i think you should, especially with not wanting or intent to call the help group {I believe a week or so ago (or was it more, my time is off sorry)} bUt you have want to call T, but you do what you feel is best and comfy with you.... sorry for butting in

((Everyone)) hugs.

I feel like crap. I have been sleeping 3 hours at most these past days, and anxiety, irritability, coupled with feeling unwanted and screwed over by who knows who; and this morning I was like dazed walking around the store picking up crap that was totally not what I was thinking it was. (I was waiting for my meds cuz I did not get to it yesterday)..... AND yet to start the anti-botic, NOW i read it may cause dizziness and don't drive on it-- think crap should had taken it this morning before I went to bed.. IDK What the hell, I can't seem to think straight on my own right now...

I have to question is this normal me, or me still gettin off the med.. and IDK.

Be well all sorry for posting soo much lately.

[Switch]

Feelin strangely country today. Think it's the stress, and I'm hopen int still me in here. Think it is but i dunno. Aw well! Just thought I'd share and hopen you all the best.

Wish I had a cold one, but the LCBO's closed by now.

Kinda wantin some company. PM me if anyone doesn't mind chitchatn it up!

[healed84]

Not good..

[karebear1]

Me either healed. And it's just getting worse.

[mommyof2girls]

I really am still missing him....

[healed84]

Feeling a bit of hope this morning.. I got into a Doctor for this coming Monday. It is not who I wanted to see, but I knew she was there for the my last option.. and I think I am desperate enough to see her. T, during my appointment yesterday really encouraged me to go to an urgent care (again) or and ER and ask for meds.. b/c amxiety has been out of control. I just can't do it, after the bad experience I had on Monday. So, I decided to call around all of the family practice doctors in the area and see if anybody could get me in. Nobody could, except for the doctor I am going to see Monday. I am hoping the experience is good, and I will feel like she is being thorough and will follow up with me.

I feel like, if she rx me meds on monday that there is light at the end of the tunnel that maybe there is hope, that I will be able to start to feel like myself soon. I don't see any reason why she won't.. but I am just sooo nervous about it.. However, I am also excited as well. Hoping this feeling will get me through the weekend, hoping for minmal anxiety and no other bad thoughts either!!

[kaliope]

things seem to be turning from bad to worse for me. maybe the anxiety is about seeing the new pdoc as T says. i have a training to go to today and tomorrow. emergency mental health first aid. how to identify the signs and the risk factors and hook up to resources. this is sure to trigger in my current state.

but i work up earl and all i could think of is how the appt might go down. discussing fear of pdocs and how one locked me up because i was honest about what was going on with me trauma wise and she wasnt listening which made me anxiouser and how traumatic it was to be locked up which brought back all thos feeling of hurt and fear and sadness and how poorly i think i am keeping it together lately and could i possibly tell her the wrong thing like wanting to si, and then im thinking beyond that and my thoughts turn suicidal, planning that out, all in the matter of 15-20 minutes this morning. then i think i should probably just plan on taking a week off. i have the sick time to do it. verified that yesterday. work was very hard to get thru yesterday, found myself grasping at straws to make it thru. just stay home and catch up on your dvr shows. relaz and do nothing. i coudl even take all but one hour of monday off. i have nobody scheduled. that would be somewhat of a break. just need to do something. dont know if its work though. just know i am getting sick again from the stress i cause myself. but gotta get now to make it to the training.

peace to all today.................kali

Still feeling pretty good - less energised, sadly, but still relaxed with some happy vibes. I have a tendency to overthink things though, and the contemplation has started: 'what now, where next, why?' I feel impatient to get my life on track, but I don't know if I'm ready... this little good mood doesn't undo all the MONTHS of awfulness, doesn't put the doubt to one side, doesn't give me enough faith in myself that I can maintain this feeling and function... not sure when that might come. ''Feel the fear and do it anyway?' I just don't want to set myself up for another fall... There might be another email of rambling thoughts going T's way before the weekend!

My appetite is all over the place too, and I never seem to know what I'll want/can face from one day to the next. I'm pretty much buying my meals as I go... Yesterday I had an overwhelming urge to comfort eat for the first time in ages, today not so much.

[Screenager]

T responded to my weird email. I can't make myself read it. Argh. I'll put it off until tonight or so.

I feel bad. My life is so empty. I feel it has nothing to offer me anymore. I don't want to live, but also don't want to die. Mostly, I just want to take all my money, move far away and start my life over. Or just go live in a cave somewhere, far away from civilization.

[Switch]

(((Screenager)))) me too....

had T today, was both good and frustrating. Still have that god damn essay that I can't seem to work past but don't want to give up on.

Want to just say FML and go to bed, but I still have that fracken essay.

On a good note: I found 8tracks.com so I finally have a variety of music that isn't youtube.

[WePow]

Took a sick day from work. Was in too much agony from the girlie thing thanks to the CSA frickin nerve damage! And I am intigrated 3 wks now so I could not dissociate to escape the pain. It is beyond intense. And the only medication I have found that touches this pain is hydrocodine, but I ran out of the pills and my doc gives me only enough for 1 yr (24 pills). And thanks to insurance, I have to wait a full year before I can go for my yearly thing, so the doc would not call in my perscription and I can't see him until Feb 28th!! So too bad for me who has to be in anguish for three days!!! They said they would call in something but it is the exact thing I take OTC which does not work!!! So I had no choice but to take off work and go take sleep meds and knock myself out all day today. At least I didn't dissociate.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by WePow

At least I didn't dissociate.

You are really doing hard work, aren't you?!

[beauflow]

((Hugs))

WePow you sound like you are pushing through- Pachderm says all I need to say

Kaliope ((Hugs))-- this new Pdoc will see what notes your T has written down right? I have not been put in the hospital from a pdoc or t, but it is a strong fear with me as well, and it puts honesty on the line...... So far with in the months of seeing T have been more honest with her, I only see a pdoc once in a blue moon so I asked if she say my T's notes, and she said yes- made feel better.... I am sorry you having so much anxiety with this- and maybe taking a few sick days from work could help, and you just do whatever or noda (maybe work is not the source of the stress but it can add some unneeded stress right- I am that way)

Just Some Girl- I am glad to read you are keeping up

Sceenager-- Oh how I have (and I am sure many others) have felt to just run away to some where new and start over, or go and just be under a rock.. with me after wishing that i realize I am under a rock metaphorically; and if I did run away to a far away land, i would still have me to deal with (eek.) I hope you feel better soon

((Everyone))

Ugh.... Now I am like why write out my crap? lol I actually slept today (yay).

other stuff is like the usual- no help with cleaning up the place, it is a sty now and I am upset about that.. but i have been complaining about that for 3 years now!

I am upset that the dog is going to go.. I am upset that I tried with the dog, but yet when not feeling well (mentally) i did not try and i know that,and with being sick right now, i feel like i need help with the dog.. and i don't get why my boyfriend did not do much with the dog when he was the one that said the dog was coming to live with us. And he has admitted he has not done good with the dog... and I am upset that the possibility that dog is not going to go and they are just doing this talking and I am stressing myself about it and like attachment issue with the dog.....

idk. I know it is just a dog-- I wanted the dog to go to the fema lady but she wont take him in... I don't want the dog to go in a home where they are just going to leave him in the back yard all day, and get yelled at for barking all the time cuz they don't play with him or pay attention to him... yes he still barks at the people going up the stairs with us but that is a normal thing for a dog to do to warn owners of things;

I am afraid the dog will go back, and with how he is with kids, and how kids are, he will be eventually put down cuz no one will be training him, and ... yeah.

But it was not my dog to begin with, I just have been housing him for a little more than a year right? whatever.. it is complicated, i myself am confused on how i feel, and idk.

Be Well All!

[nicoleb2]

I am so tired of this life. I don't know why I try anymore.
I si'd early this morning, worse than I ever have. I probably should have gotten stitches, but I could not go to the ER because I won't risk being hospitalized again.
My dad's family (because i don't want to be a part of them anymore) is being crappy, so I basically have only my immediate family.
I just don't want to deal with it anymore

[rainbow8]

nicole, I know you don't want to bother your T but I think you should. Or a hotline. I hope you're okay!!!!

[nicoleb2]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

nicole, I know you don't want to bother your T but I think you should. Or a hotline. I hope you're okay!!!!

I'm managing. Depression is really sucking right now, worse than normal. I have been in contact with my t, but because I cut this morning, I can't talk to her for 24 hours (gotta love dbt rules...)

I'm going to be using lots of antibiotic ointment and hoping it works and hoping that I can get it together enough to stay out of the hospital

[FourRedheads]

Myfriend's sister is divorced like me. Now she is engaged. Guy from my church was divorced like me, now he just got married. It's been 5 years. No date, nothing. What is wrong with me? I'm feeling really bad right now. Can't believe what I said to T yesterday.

[PleaseHelp]

Work has been overwhelmingly stressful. My boss is so incompetent that its driving me crazy. He jumps all over the place. I have talked to him numerous times about this. I can't follow him. One minute he'll be talking about one client and the things that need to be done before their appointment and the next min he's jumped to a totally diff client without any real transition. He's admitted that he doesn't even know things and it confuses him and he wants me to do it! Dude, I did not go to school for this. He knew that when hiring me. UGH. Glad he's leaving shortly after I get to work today.

Went to my T appointment yesterday. So frustrated that the pdoc & her nurses do NOT communicate with my T. They tell me they're going to talk to my T about things. Then I talk to my T and she has no clue what's going on. I filled her in on the latest things. She even said at one point "If they would read my notes, they would see that you are making progress, working very hard, and that you didn't quit DBT you took a break after discussing it with me." I was glad to hear that she validated my feelings, but really annoyed and the pdoc and her nurses.

Worried that we might have to go to court about custody/visitation. I'm more worried about putting the girls in the middle of all of it. Although, they're already kind of in the middle and I don't see how that's going to change. I know its between my SO & his ex, but it really bothers me. SO & I talk about all of this stuff and for the most part come to an agreement on things b4 he emails the ex. There are some things we disagree on, but he makes the ultimate decision. UGH.

Last night, he tells me that this would be a good weekend for me to get out of town and go visit friends. Not sure how to take that. I know that he has a lot of homework to do and that he feels bad when I'm a "homework widow" all weekend. But at the same time I feel like he's trying to get rid of me. And I don't really have that many friends to go visit. My sister lives too far away to go for 2 days. Everyone else I know is busy or hasn't gotten back to me, which makes me feel like they don't want me around. Never mind the fact that one of them just moved back to the area and is living with her in-laws at the moment, and the other one has 2 small children and is still trying to put their house and such back together after this last spring/summers flooding.

Sorry for the long post.

Hugs to all that are struggling.

[healed84]

I never thought, that I would be at a point where I would say that I am in a good spot, but I am AFRAID of that good spot. I have feel little anxiety, just little overwhelmed by sick kids at this point, but my own anxiety seems to be subsiding. However, I keep on telling myself that I have to be on edge, be ready.. b/c the anxiety can come from nowhere. I know that, that probably isn't the mindset I should have.. but that is where I am. So, anxiety wise.. I am better. I see a doctor on Monday to get meds.

Depression wise its up and down... I admitted this to T on Wed.. which is something that I hadn't told him before. But- going through the last month so filled with anxiety and not knowing how to get passed it, really made me have such a big urge to SI. Which was something I did 10+ years ago, and even then it was short lived. So, this urge has presisted this past week. T did say, it would be a bad choice to do it and urged me not to, of course. I just can't get past the urge.. and it is weird and I am assuming that it is something that is going along with the depression. (GAH did I just really admit to a whole group of people about SI?)

It seems weird, but I am nervous to let myself be good. Tomorrow, I have plans to get my hair done and then my husband and I have a date planned. A month ago- I would be looking forward to this. Right now, I am scared. I scared that I will be too depressed that I won't enjoy it, or that I will go and be anxious about something!!

This got long, just felt like getting it all out there!

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by healed84

However, I keep on telling myself that I have to be on edge, be ready.. b/c the anxiety can come from nowhere. I know that, that probably isn't the mindset I should have.. but that is where I am.

I went through this very same stage! For me, the next step was thinking "yep, it can come from nowhere but I have the tools to manage it."

[precious things]

My anxiety is in high gear....I really just want to hide until my next appt. I think a cry is lurking below the surface but I'm not able to let it out yet.

I feel like telling my t to give up time slot to a deserving kid who stands a chance at being helped....not an old lost cause such as myself.

I know it's not accurate, but blah....that's how I feel.