Connections to the past, level 2

Chopin99 · Feb 07, 2012, 03:44 PM

Thank you to all who weighed in on my last thread related to T's actions and what happened with my parents at age 15. Your responses were insightful and helped me to realize some things that I think are going to help me a lot in session tomorrow and life in general.

I realize I'm not the only person who craves maternal affection as an adult because it was missing in childhood. That helps me feel better. After I hit school age, my parents were not very affectionate with me. I think they thought I was "too old" for cuddling and such. This may be related to their own upbringing. I could really see my dad's parents being this way. My mom's parents were affectionate with me, but they may not have been as parents to my mom and her sister.

T probably doesn't think I'm either repulsive or sexually attracted to her. I am probably reading too much into her behavior; however, it is possible she changed a boundary with or without her own awareness that she has done so. Something changed and we haven't talked about it. This triggers thoughts of distrust and shame. In my childhood, circumstances changed without warning or explanation many times. This extends to several categories: boundaries (i.e. affection was okay, then it was not), expectations (i.e. practicing the piano for 30 min a day is adequate, then suddenly 30 min is not enough, an hour is adequate), punishments (i.e. I might be grounded for a week, then the punishment lifted three days in), rewards (i.e. one grading period, I might receive a monetary reward for all A's; the next, nothing, just a "good job" or "keep it up"). I realize now that I don't deal well with change (good or bad) because of the constant vacillation in circumstances. I can attempt to resolve the current circumstances with T by asking her if (1) she is aware of her change in behavior, (2) if she is aware, why did it change; if she is not aware, talk about why it may have changed, (3) things can be restored to what I am accustomed to, and/or (4) can she reasonably and comfortably accommodate my request for affection and why or why not.

My mother was always distant, even when she was physically present with me because she suffered from depression and anxiety and a bit of OCD (wow, sounds familiar

). Either she was in denial about her condition or she knew and decided to hide it from me to protect herself, me, or both. If she were in denial, there is nothing she could have done different other than taken responsibility for her problems. If she were hiding her issues, it would have been better if she explained to me what was going on. I thought she acted the way she did in reaction to me. I personalized her issues, much like a child will blame him/herself for his/her parents' divorce. Perhaps if she had just talked to me, I would have seen things differently.

I tried so hard to make her happy and I never could; however, it was not my place to do so. I carried her burden for her and it affects every relationship I have to this day. I don't know how long it will take, but I need to "unlearn" the unhealthy patterns imposed on me and replace them with healthy ones.

Also of note, since Sunday I have had some pretty strange mood swings and at least one panic attack a day. I mentioned to my boss that I was panicking and he reminded me of something. My promotion. He said change is always scary in and of itself and there is risk involved in the promotion. If failure occurs for any reason (my own, state or federal funding resources dry up, laws change, etc.), I could lose the new job. I think between my new awareness of my past issues, realizing the risks implicit in accepting the promotion, knowing the intensity of the therapy process, and some financial issues that have cropped up in my own household, I am overwhelmed.

Again, thanks for reading and commenting on my threads. I like the hive mind.

And thank God I see T twice in the next two days!

SallyBrown · Feb 07, 2012, 05:11 PM

OK, so since I now know we are close in age, I believe you will appreciate it when I say I heard the theme that plays at the end of a level in the original Super Mario Bros. when I saw your title.

Quote:

My mother was always distant, even when she was physically present with me because she suffered from depression and anxiety and a bit of OCD (wow, sounds familiar

). Either she was in denial about her condition or she knew and decided to hide it from me to protect herself, me, or both. If she were in denial, there is nothing she could have done different other than taken responsibility for her problems. If she were hiding her issues, it would have been better if she explained to me what was going on. I thought she acted the way she did in reaction to me. I personalized her issues, much like a child will blame him/herself for his/her parents' divorce. Perhaps if she had just talked to me, I would have seen things differently.

I tried so hard to make her happy and I never could; however, it was not my place to do so. I carried her burden for her and it affects every relationship I have to this day. I don't know how long it will take, but I need to "unlearn" the unhealthy patterns imposed on me and replace them with healthy ones.

This is so key. And I hear your empathy for your mother in it too, which is really important. Just don't forget that empathy and anger aren't mutually exclusive.

Even if your mom was in denial, it doesn't make it ok. In my experience, even when I'm in denial... I know I'm in denial. Of what, I may not be aware, but I know that what I'm directing my emotions at is not really what I'm feeling the emotions FOR.

And I think you're totally right that the fact that you spent a lot of time filling in the blanks for your mom's anger, distance, and lack of approval made you extremely sensitive to changes in her mood or behavior... anything that would have helped you get a read on her. So of course you're extremely sensitive in any changes T makes... so trust yourself when you detect a change. Don't always trust your INTERPRETATION of the change... but trust that there is a change.

My T knows that I'm the same way, and that if I detect any change I will NOT LET IT GO until we figure out what it is. It's at the point, actually, where if I detect a change and he doesn't think there has been one, he'll actually sit there and think about if anything has changed with him that might be carrying into therapy. Of course he doesn't tell me what those changes are, I more appreciate that he takes my intuition seriously.

I hope your T also hears you out. I'm glad you get to see her twice!

Good luck with your panic attacks

. I'm sorry they're eating into your life so much. Of course you're overwhelmed, this is a lot of stuff happening at once. Are you into yoga at all? I recently got more into it, and it helps me a fair amount with anxiety.

mcl6136 · Feb 07, 2012, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Thank you to all who weighed in on my last thread related to T's actions and what happened with my parents at age 15. Your responses were insightful and helped me to realize some things that I think are going to help me a lot in session tomorrow and life in general.

I realize I'm not the only person who craves maternal affection as an adult because it was missing in childhood. That helps me feel better. After I hit school age, my parents were not very affectionate with me. I think they thought I was "too old" for cuddling and such. This may be related to their own upbringing. I could really see my dad's parents being this way. My mom's parents were affectionate with me, but they may not have been as parents to my mom and her sister.

T probably doesn't think I'm either repulsive or sexually attracted to her. I am probably reading too much into her behavior; however, it is possible she changed a boundary with or without her own awareness that she has done so. Something changed and we haven't talked about it. This triggers thoughts of distrust and shame. In my childhood, circumstances changed without warning or explanation many times. This extends to several categories: boundaries (i.e. affection was okay, then it was not), expectations (i.e. practicing the piano for 30 min a day is adequate, then suddenly 30 min is not enough, an hour is adequate), punishments (i.e. I might be grounded for a week, then the punishment lifted three days in), rewards (i.e. one grading period, I might receive a monetary reward for all A's; the next, nothing, just a "good job" or "keep it up"). I realize now that I don't deal well with change (good or bad) because of the constant vacillation in circumstances. I can attempt to resolve the current circumstances with T by asking her if (1) she is aware of her change in behavior, (2) if she is aware, why did it change; if she is not aware, talk about why it may have changed, (3) things can be restored to what I am accustomed to, and/or (4) can she reasonably and comfortably accommodate my request for affection and why or why not.

My mother was always distant, even when she was physically present with me because she suffered from depression and anxiety and a bit of OCD (wow, sounds familiar

). Either she was in denial about her condition or she knew and decided to hide it from me to protect herself, me, or both. If she were in denial, there is nothing she could have done different other than taken responsibility for her problems. If she were hiding her issues, it would have been better if she explained to me what was going on. I thought she acted the way she did in reaction to me. I personalized her issues, much like a child will blame him/herself for his/her parents' divorce. Perhaps if she had just talked to me, I would have seen things differently.

I tried so hard to make her happy and I never could; however, it was not my place to do so. I carried her burden for her and it affects every relationship I have to this day. I don't know how long it will take, but I need to "unlearn" the unhealthy patterns imposed on me and replace them with healthy ones.

Also of note, since Sunday I have had some pretty strange mood swings and at least one panic attack a day. I mentioned to my boss that I was panicking and he reminded me of something. My promotion. He said change is always scary in and of itself and there is risk involved in the promotion. If failure occurs for any reason (my own, state or federal funding resources dry up, laws change, etc.), I could lose the new job. I think between my new awareness of my past issues, realizing the risks implicit in accepting the promotion, knowing the intensity of the therapy process, and some financial issues that have cropped up in my own household, I am overwhelmed.

Again, thanks for reading and commenting on my threads. I like the hive mind.

And thank God I see T twice in the next two days!

I too like the hive mind but then again, my father was a bee keeper.

And I'm allergic to bees. Just think on that one for a while.

But, back to you.

I think some others on this board (not speaking for anyone in particular) and me....also thought it was our job to manage our parents' feelings, experiences, perceptions, and reactions. This interest in doing so makes me really vulnerable now in my adulthood and still drives me, and it's a large part of what I'm doing in therapy. To the extent that I can RECOGNIZE this, and at times let it go...it liberates me. Sometimes I catch myself falling into these patterns long after the "incident" but more often these days, I can observe myself as if from afar and ...refrain from some ruinous response. But it varies by the day...the hour..the moment. It's the work of a lifetime to undo this stuff. But that's okay, I'm a natural over-achiever, and the night is young!

Also, you didn't ask about this, but think your boss's comments are worrisome, unless he said this in a tone of gentleness. Did his comments add to your anxiety and what was his purpose in bringing up that your promotion came with risks..or was this an encouraging thing? The reason that I flag this is that it strikes me as a "pile on" when you are already dealing with a lot of stress. Honestly, you sound like you're really holding it all together admirably well! I sure would be dealing with mood swings in the very least..and I'm not sure that's altogether strange.

Rambling here...but wanted to say that you are in my thoughts. Hang in there! You can do this!

CantExplain · Feb 07, 2012, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcl6136

I too like the hive mind but then again, my father was a bee keeper.

And I'm allergic to bees. Just think on that one for a while.

Lol!

CantExplain · Feb 07, 2012, 05:30 PM

Hi Chopin!

Have you ever read up on children of alcoholics? (Actually, I expect you have.)

A lot of us here are effectively children of alcoholics, even if no alcohol was involved.

SallyBrown · Feb 07, 2012, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcl6136

I too like the hive mind but then again, my father was a bee keeper.

And I'm allergic to bees. Just think on that one for a while.

Irony: providing therapists with material since 1895.

Chopin99 · Feb 07, 2012, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

And I think you're totally right that the fact that you spent a lot of time filling in the blanks for your mom's anger, distance, and lack of approval made you extremely sensitive to changes in her mood or behavior... anything that would have helped you get a read on her. So of course you're extremely sensitive in any changes T makes... so trust yourself when you detect a change. Don't always trust your INTERPRETATION of the change... but trust that there is a change.

Yep...that's what I get accused of, by friends and T...making assumptions as to why people do things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Good luck with your panic attacks

. I'm sorry they're eating into your life so much. Of course you're overwhelmed, this is a lot of stuff happening at once. Are you into yoga at all? I recently got more into it, and it helps me a fair amount with anxiety.

We actually have a yoga instructor coming to work tomorrow to see if any of our clients want to do it. I've done yoga before and liked it. Maybe I should take it up again!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcl6136

I too like the hive mind but then again, my father was a bee keeper.

And I'm allergic to bees. Just think on that one for a while.

Gotta love the irony there...or not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcl6136

Also, you didn't ask about this, but think your boss's comments are worrisome, unless he said this in a tone of gentleness. Did his comments add to your anxiety and what was his purpose in bringing up that your promotion came with risks..or was this an encouraging thing? The reason that I flag this is that it strikes me as a "pile on" when you are already dealing with a lot of stress. Honestly, you sound like you're really holding it all together admirably well! I sure would be dealing with mood swings in the very least..and I'm not sure that's altogether strange.

My boss is a pretty gentle guy, but realistic. He was simply positing about my anxiety. Plus he's a bit peeved with me because I made a mistake over the weekend that placed a client and a neighbor of the group home at risk. That's the bad thing about being in a panicked state; I make bad decisions.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Have you ever read up on children of alcoholics? (Actually, I expect you have.)

A lot of us here are effectively children of alcoholics, even if no alcohol was involved.

Actually, I have not. Considering I come from a long line of alcoholics, I guess I should. Neither of my parents were alcoholic, but I can see the parallels.

My last T went from the angle that my parents were narcissistic. They were, in a sense.

rockymtngal · Feb 07, 2012, 08:05 PM

Just thinking about you and wanted to to let you know we're all supporting you through this. Our stories sound so familiar, I can really relate. I hope you get a good hug tomorrow. Let us know how it goes!

Chopin99 · Feb 07, 2012, 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockymtngal

Just thinking about you and wanted to to let you know we're all supporting you through this. Our stories sound so familiar, I can really relate. I hope you get a good hug tomorrow. Let us know how it goes!

Thanks, rocky. I hope I get that hug too! I only hope I show as much bravado in front of T as I do here. I sit across from her and she looks at me and I get nervous.

CantExplain · Feb 08, 2012, 04:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Thanks, rocky. I hope I get that hug too! I only hope I show as much bravado in front of T as I do here. I sit across from her and she looks at me and I get nervous.

CRAZY IDEA:

Ask your T to wear a blindfold!