[Broom Hilda]

therapy has destroyed my life. i lost myself. i have no motivation to do anything. i don't care about anything. all i care about is seeing my therapist. the great unrequited love that sucks the life out of me. i'm at the end of my rope. actually i destroyed my life. i didn't realize i was walking into a situation where someone was going to show me such deep concern and talk about how much he cares for me. i don't get that anywhere else. it's too perfect. i love and hate him for it. i love him so much and the reality is i am a very very small part of his life. I'm not even really in his life. just a client. he cares. but caring for me and then abandoning me for a week is killing me. it doesn't motivate me to seek out anything. it hurts. i want to be homeless. i want zero responsibilities. i can't handle the pain this causes. and leaving would push me over an edge i can't talk about on here. someone will tell me to talk to my t about this. i can't risk him leaving. he knows i have lost all motivation. he knows i love him. nothing can save me.
time to go to work and try to pretend i'm still me. i got fired from my last job because i didn't care anymore. therapy is seductive and dangerous for a lot of people i imagine. any therapists looking into this and how to do something about it?

You work through these feelings. Before therapy I had split them off. Part of becoming whole is releasing the feelings you are feeling now. They seem hugh and unmanageable right now but if you stick with it you will become more whole. Therapy should be a verb!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Broom Hilda

therapy has destroyed my life. i lost myself. i have no motivation to do anything. i don't care about anything. all i care about is seeing my therapist. the great unrequited love that sucks the life out of me. i'm at the end of my rope. actually i destroyed my life. i didn't realize i was walking into a situation where someone was going to show me such deep concern and talk about how much he cares for me. i don't get that anywhere else. it's too perfect. i love and hate him for it. i love him so much and the reality is i am a very very small part of his life. I'm not even really in his life. just a client. he cares. but caring for me and then abandoning me for a week is killing me. it doesn't motivate me to seek out anything. it hurts. i want to be homeless. i want zero responsibilities. i can't handle the pain this causes. and leaving would push me over an edge i can't talk about on here. someone will tell me to talk to my t about this. i can't risk him leaving. he knows i have lost all motivation. he knows i love him. nothing can save me.
time to go to work and try to pretend i'm still me. i got fired from my last job because i didn't care anymore. therapy is seductive and dangerous for a lot of people i imagine. any therapists looking into this and how to do something about it?

(((((Broom Hilda)))))),
Love the name btw! I see my T as a father figure, and feel like I would like it if he adopted me (I don't think this way, though.). It's the dissociated neediness/dependent part that is responsible for this in my case. My Dad was very distant, and I guess I so badly wanted him to care and spend time with me. I wanted him to think of me and protect me, but instead I felt like an unwanted burden.

I've been with my T for about 4-5 years now and we have built a foundation of trust. We both have been avoiding triggering this part of me because when it comes out, it is so needy/dependent and it comes out full force because it is very dissociated from the rest of me (whatever me is).

So, T told me about various ego states and that we needed to address this part, to get it to come out and deal with it so I can integrate it so it won't be so intense. I guess I'm strong enough now to do it and I have the resources available IRL although this is not something you can easily explain to someone and not sound like a lunatic. It is massively painful and I feel like I'm falling into the abyss.

My point here is that you are not alone but I'm sure you've figured that out by reading the boards. I don't know if you like to read, but there are three books by Philip Bromberg that are awesome (actually I'm reading one now).

Know that it will get better and that you WILL make it through this. My wish for you is that you not feel ashamed about how you feel and your reaction. It's bad enough that the reason you're having this reaction was more than likely shame-inducing, but it's like a double shame when you feel compelled to act/feel in ways that don't go with who you are.

I also have difficulty with the fact that I care more than he does, and that when therapy ends he'll just put my file away and move on to the next and it will be like I never existed in the first place. It's very painful and feels like he is making a decision to do this because I'm not good enough, or memorable enough. I understand intellectually but my emotions have a mind of their own. It's devastating, agonizing, I hear you loud and clear!

I hear you say that you have ruined your life. I feel that way too, sometimes, but on the other hand you are going to therapy and trying to find peace. Maybe what is going on would have happened with somebody else sooner or later, so now is the time to work through this issue. It's a long, hard road but I'm hoping for all like us that it will be worth it.

Take care and keep us posted!

[Rapunzel]

The concern and caring you are getting from your therapist are legitimate needs that have been unfilled and now you are finally getting that from someone. That is a good thing! It is what you need to find or create in your other relationships outside of therapy. It would be nice if we could find a good therapist who is able to fulfill your unmet needs and then just build your life around that person, but it just would never work. Even if you find one person in real life who can give you love and concern, it might not work if that is the only person - they wear down and can't keep it up forever, so you have to learn to build relationships like that, and keep building them, and finding a balance of giving and receiving.

Yes, you do need to talk to your T about this, but don't worry. This is normal in therapy and you won't lose him because of it. He can help you put some of that energy into your life and learn how to build something that you will be able to sustain.

[Broom Hilda]

thanks for the replies. i really appreciate the time you guys took to do so. i know i'm not alone, but i wish i were because i don't want anybody else to feel this. keep me posted if any of you find a way out of the hole. i feel trapped.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

The concern and caring you are getting from your therapist are legitimate needs that have been unfilled and now you are finally getting that from someone. That is a good thing! It is what you need to find or create in your other relationships outside of therapy.

In my experience, therapy doesn't do enough to help you find that outside support.

[Rapunzel]

What would you like therapy to do to help with that, because it is very important? I am a therapist at an inpatient setting, and I don't usually see people for long enough to build up a lot of attachment. We do ask people about their support systems, and encourage family sessions. Maybe outpatient therapists could do more of that.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

What would you like therapy to do to help with [building your own support network], because it is very important? I am a therapist at an inpatient setting, and I don't usually see people for long enough to build up a lot of attachment. We do ask people about their support systems, and encourage family sessions. Maybe outpatient therapists could do more of that.

Well of course, I don't know what help I need!

But it would be nice to have more friends, and closer relationships with the friends I have.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Well of course, I don't know what help I need!

But it would be nice to have more friends, and closer relationships with the friends I have.

is it bad if I repeat myself? I think I am starting to have a better r/s with an old friend. when she called me this week for my birthday (hint hint did you post your greetings? it's not too late ) I noticed I treated her with a lot less transference than usual, which made for a MUCH better conversation. becuz T is working these transference issues out of OUR r/s. so I can start seeing people as they really are, and being who I really am.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

is it bad if I repeat myself? I think I am starting to have a better r/s with an old friend. when she called me this week for my birthday (hint hint did you post your greetings? it's not too late ) I noticed I treated her with a lot less transference than usual, which made for a MUCH better conversation. becuz T is working these transference issues out of OUR r/s. so I can start seeing people as they really are, and being who I really am.

OK, therapy does improve relationships in the long run.
But what about when you're just starting?
Wouldn't it be good to get some practical advice?

[Rapunzel]

Of course, it can be helpful to get some instruction and advice on how to develop relationships. Even when you are just starting. You can try it out and get feedback and talk about what you could do better. What are you already doing to make more friends and develop closer relationships? Those are great goals and very appropriate to work on in therapy.

[BlueHen]

I have gained a clear perspective, having recently broken free from the pain and frustration of therapy. I was in analysis for 5 years and weekly therapy for two years. I am a 60ish male, T a 70 year old female. I went into therapy because of depression. I developed a strong erotic transference wih my T. It was very debilitating but I kept going back.

My T maintained clear borders. Recently I suffered a very serious depressive episode -- the worst of my life. T never reached out to help me except to offer me the privilege of a second session -- no calls to check on me, nothing. After 7 years I expected more and it would have lifted me cnsiderably.

It was then that I realized Ts are largely indifferent to us. And that therapy is like an addiction -- expensive, a fix from a problem with a decline until the next fix (session), isolating, dependency producing, painful. And like any addiction the only way to overcome the addiction is to STOP. The withdrawal is awful but I don't think there is any choice --- I am now in recovery and see how little therapy helped and how much damage it did. It hurts and angers me that I devotedly committed to my T for 7 years and she could not care less that I left. Because I meant little to her. I am happier (or less unhappy) now that I have left therapy, with a way still to go. I am free and see T, the relationship and myself more clearly. I was a damned fool to think I deeply loved T. Save your money and take a wonderful vacsyion.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

= it would be nice to have more friends, and closer relationships with the friends I have.

since starting therapy (4+ yrs) I find that I do have more friends, and closer r/l with my DH and friends. Plus I have discontinued one toxic r/l which I never would have been able to do, before. I can identify a lot of benefits i've had from doing this work; I wish I had started earlier.