[Hope-Full]

I know I've been curious about this, and I think there's been a post or two on the boards somewhere.

One of my favorite bloggers posted an article today on exactly that - Eye Contact in Therapy (best part is that it's a "part I" meaning more to come!)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...therapy-part-i

[rainbow8]

Thanks! The article is interesting. I used to make eye contact with my T more because her eyes are very pretty and for some reason, I wasn't afraid. Now that we're talking about issues that cause me more shame I don't want to look at her. I'm fortunate that my T does a lot of therapy asking for clients to close their eyes and that works fine for me.

[healed84]

TFS the article, it was insightful for sure. I was just thinking about eye contact and my T today. I am a huge stickler for eye contact, I find it so disrespectful in a one on one convos if there isn't eye contact. However, I found last session as I was sharing with T some hard issues.. I couldn't keep my eyes on him. Looking down, looking away. That is not my norm at all. Anways, looking forward to part II of the article.

Thanks for the link! I did discuss eye contact with my therapist once... Awkwaaard!

[pbutton]

I'm now to the point where I look at T when he's speaking. However, I tell everything to his shoe. Usually the right shoe.

[greengrasshopper]

I talked about this last tuesday with T. I was like i was worried last night because i knew i always look away from you and i didn't want to today. I said i don't know why, you're not that scary and she said don't worry it may be because it's uncomfortable for you what we discuss. This was so interesting to read, very relevant.

[Hope-Full]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I'm now to the point where I look at T when he's speaking. However, I tell everything to his shoe. Usually the right shoe.

Interesting observation pbutton! Now that I think about it, I do the same thing. When I'm talking, I look anywhere BUT Ts eyes. When T is talking, I am usually able to be focused on Ts eyes without much trouble. hmmm....

(hope he at least where's cool shoes!)

[stopdog]

When angry, I look directly at the therapist. At other times I look past her out the window or at the wall. She has become unsettled when I look just past her, more so than if I look at the wall.

[Bella01]

When t makes me mad I stare out the window. When I talk to him I don't look at him all the time. I talk to the window or floor. I'm trying to improve this.

[unaluna]

How close do you guys sit? Do I need new glasses? Does my T have unusually small eyes? I guess we have eye contact, I would call it more like facial expression recognition. I think I need to work on this.

As my T's client, I don't tend to look directly at her when there are moments of shame or intense emotion. My inner kids hide from T most often by throwing themselves under a blanket and refusing to come out.

[Chopin99]

Thanks for the article!

I have a fair bit of social anxiety. When I am talking to almost anyone, I tend to look away. When others are talking, I can make eye contact while listening.

T is not much different. I tend to talk to my journal, my lap, T's bookcase, T's window. When she's talking in general, I can look at her. When she's saying something complementary or encouraging me, I tend to look at...yep...my journal, my lap, etc.

She keeps telling me I have a great deal of shame and she wants to "get that shame out of me and gone". She picked up on the shame quickly and had me read a book by a regional author called "Free Yourself, Be Yourself." This was a title change which my T hated. In its first publishing, it was called, "Shame Off You" which she (and I) think is a more clever and descriptive title.

[jazzy123456]

this post 'tickled me and I laughed a little... with my first T... i barely remember looking her in the eye....

who knows what she was thinking!? lol haha

i do it a little more but, sometimes i am just not even aware that I'm not looking at them when they speak or when I speak.

this doesn't happen in my every day life though.

thanks for the article

[CantExplain]

This article talks about eyes conveying a great deal of information, but it doesn't say what.

I challenge this assertion and demand to know what information is conveyed.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Chopin >> I have a fair bit of social anxiety. When I am talking to almost anyone, I tend to look away. When others are talking, I can make eye contact while listening.
Same here. And some people (particularly Orientals, I find) are fine with that, and some people take great offense at it, which always takes me by surprise.

>> T is not much different. I tend to talk to my journal, my lap, T's bookcase, T's window. When she's talking in general, I can look at her. When she's saying something complementary or encouraging me, I tend to look at...yep...my journal, my lap, etc.
I talk to the floor in front of me, sometimes to the couch pillows across from me - and last week I noticed that when i talk about myself, I look at the trash can a lot. Maybe that's why many T's don't have a trash can, lol?

She keeps telling me I have a great deal of shame and she wants to "get that shame out of me and gone".
Chopin -

One of these days, T2 is going to bring up the subject of eye contact. I am not looking forward to it. What DID I do with that therapy burqa?

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

One of these days, T2 is going to bring up the subject of eye contact. I am not looking forward to it. What DID I do with that therapy burqa?

I think I stole it from you...you can have it back if I can have it again for Thursday.

Thanks SAWE!

[sittingatwatersedge]

thank goodness for that, I was afraid the dry cleaners had lost it!!


about eye contact........ has anyone deliberately overcome their former pattern and lived to tell about it ? If so, was it hard retraining yourself?

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by hankster

How close do you guys sit? Do I need new glasses? Does my T have unusually small eyes? I guess we have eye contact, I would call it more like facial expression recognition. I think I need to work on this.

I am thinking about this now too. Even when I am looking at him I don't think I can see his eyes. He wears glasses. I can only really remember seeing his eyes once.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

about eye contact........ has anyone deliberately overcome their former pattern and lived to tell about it ? If so, was it hard retraining yourself?

Yes. I did.

Step one was noticing every time I did it.
Step two was making an effort of will to look them in the eye.

It got easier with time.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Yes. I did.

Step one was noticing every time I did it.
Step two was making an effort of will to look them in the eye.

It got easier with time.

I think I am going to make a concerted effort to try to do so next session. I want/need to learn to look people in the eye.

Then the hard part IMO...trying not to look creepy while doing it. My ex-gf has said when I look at her, it is as if I'm looking straight into her soul. I realize this probably has just as much to do with her as it does with me, but still.

[kitten16]

Only had one session with my new T so far. At one point his eyes darted to the right when he asked a sudden question: "Why are you here?" It was weird, because we'd been discussing that very thing for twenty minutes by then.

And now I can't remember exactly what brought it on, but it took me aback. He was apparently irked by something I had said about my husband. Worst case: this could be a danger sign, indicating that as a man he identifies so much with my husband that he'll be unable to feel empathy for me when I'm discussing my marital problems.

So he darted away for a sec, and I rescued him by calmly telling him what I wanted to get out of therapy: "I want to try to save my marriage if I can."

But he knew he was attacking me, which was why he shifted his gaze, as if wanting to take back his own action.

That was just our first session. If he continues to do this kind of thing, I'll ask him about it and try to work it out. But if he continues to be aggressive and judgmental, I just really really can't face another hostile therapist. I'm totally worn out from this stuff! :/

[sittingatwatersedge]

Chopin I will come along with you on Thurs if you want.

[KazzaX]

Interesting article. I normally avoid eye contact with my T because you can see in their eyes the disappointment and irritation they have towards you. I don't want to see that, so I don't look. However when I'm really angry at something she has said, I look at her right in the eyes while I'm talking and I don't look away or blink until she does. This way, she knows I am not joking around - I mean business. Eye contact is a good communication technique. You can really get your point across if you use it correctly.

[Hope-Full]

Interesting KazzaX - "you can see in their eyes the disappointment and irritation they have towards you."

I've left T a message before saying that I can't say this in person cause I don't want to see the disappointed reaction. Now I know I'm not alone in that!

By the way, I finally looked at T long enough to know that T has blue eyes

[pbutton]

This is so interesting to me. I wouldn't have a problem w/T looking disappointed. However, if he looked excited or pleased by anything I'd done, that's when I'd want to bolt. Ugh.