How does your T handle your empathy for them?

He usually acts like a normal person when I expressed empathy. When my father in law died, I told my T I was sorry for my T's loss as well, because he and my father in law had a therapeutic relationship for several years, and I knew my T liked my father in law very much as well. My T teared up and thanked me, and then we just kind of sat quietly for a few minutes while we both regained our composure.

I like your therapist!

By the different responses to my question, they really underline just how different T's can be and how important it is to find one we are in synch with. Our success in therapy counts on it.

xT found it intrusive , unless it was about painting.

How about 'same church, different pew'? In both instances, the focus is off of you and on them. With + feedback you are focusing on their skills and with empathy, the person as a whole.
Of course it's a boundary issue which I tend ignore routinely. It's an occupational hazard-once a social worker, always a social worker. My job was to break down barriers-which is a heatlthy way to build trust in a relationship in order to further it in the real world. I keep having to remind myself the rules change in therapeutic relationships...

As I recall, T accepted it graciously.

Me: Are you OK? You look worried.
T: No, I'm just tired. Thanks for asking, though.

So, some people don't mind when others notice their feelings as much as you do when people notice yours. Maybe because they're routinely aware of their feelings and not horrified by having such things. So they figure other people's feelings are not so terrible either.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure you've become a bit guilty of appearing empathetic to people's feelings on these threads . Hope it works out.

Sometimes he spontaneously told me a little about what was going on in his life- at the beginning or end of a session. If I asked about it later, he'd answer. Staring at the wall is weird. Would it be rude to say you're not sure what's acceptable, as far as he's concerned, as far as expressing empathy in therapy?

I do not believe the feelings of others are horrible - just none of my business for the most part. Mine are not particularly horrible either, but they are mine and no one else's and having them intruded upon is not pleasant or useful for me. The therapist is not my friend or family so her feelings, so long as I am not going out of my way to hurt them (and I do not believe I could hurt her even if I tried - I believe she is impervious), are not any of my business. It is my belief that is a respectful position to take.

I shall work on the other thing. Sorry. Such a thin line between not pissing others off all the time with my detachment stance and falling into the empathy abyss.

I value your empathy.
I value your detachment.

You have both warmth and calm, and I love them both.

My last appt T started asking how I was feeling, but he sounded sick. So I impulsively interrupted and was like omg you sound horrible, what's wrong with you? He said he was starting to get a cold, and I'm pretty sure he thanked me for asking. He was like, but yeah back to umm...he lost his train of thought, and we both laughed. My T is human, and down to earth about empathy.

does your T ever get on the thing about people pleasing? about the child having had to show UPR for the parent(s)? it's tiresome, but that's one way T might respond to "empathy" on the part of the client.

which IMHO is **** pretty much, since turning oneself outward toward others is a major gain in therapy.

But if you do it (ask about T's health, etc), you just might get a lecture on how this hour is supposed to be spent on YOU, not on social chat with the T, but it's your money, so OK if you want.....
I got smacked that way once... not too keen on going through it again!

This describes the position I used to take with people. But now that I have gained some distance from my mother, I would restate it thusly:

Where "(the other) is impervious" I would say, my mother was defensive, and I am now projecting that defensiveness onto other people whether they want it or not. "It's a respectful position" because I didn't get whacked by mother when I acted this way - so it's still safe now to act this way; SHE wants me to act this way - but again, maybe the REAL PERSON standing in front of you doesn't - you haven't asked them, you (ie, I) just assume. So this is why the other person gets angry at (y)our detachment - we don't even bother to try to get to kniw them - we objectify them. Our safety is paramount. I need to see where else I do this - like within myself.

Usually, my T just responds with a "thank you" and we move on. She always seems to appreciate my concern, but neither of us dwell on it.

T: How are you?
Me: Good how are you?
T: Good! thanks

lol.....thats as far as it goes xD

This only my position with the therapist. They are paid to keep it non personal and to be impervious. I do not think the general masses I come into contact would necessarily be impervious. The respectful position is not intruding on the feelings of others except to the extent I am in relation to the other to so.

At the start, I assumed my T was impervious. It was rather a shock to find that I could hurt her!

A step on my journey.

Is this what your T has agreed to? This is what I think is "In Dispute" here (my nephew once noted the name of a country on the map was "in dispute" and he thought THAT'S what the country's name actually was!). I see it more as a chance to "play house" - they are TECHNICALLY impervious, eg as to my charms, in that I can trust T to stay on his side of the room. But our laughter is real. Isn't it? So wouldn't it follow that there could be hurt feelings on both sides? There just aren't the USUAL repercussions - those are indeed contained in the bill. So we pay to hurt their feelings by being us, if we have to? cuz my puppydog T - definitely not impervious!

I consider that rude behavior. Why not call him on it? You could simply ask, in a very open way, "why do you avoid my gaze, stare at the wall, and say nothing when I say ______?" Maybe you will learn something that will help you interact with this T. Maybe he will learn something about how rude he's being.

There is the blank slate kind of T who doesn't like to reveal anything about their personal life, but usually this type will respond to a client query with, "what does it mean to you that I may be ________?" Or "how would you feel if I was ______?" Or some such question-in-return comment. But your T is not reacting like that...