[lostmyway21]

Can I have pocket riders for my session tomorrow? I'm really scared to go. I'm having a really hard time with therapy feelings. I'm so nervous I asked T if he could bring out my T bear "Chance" that he keeps safe in his back room for me. I've never asked to hold him in session before today. Ughh I don't want to go...but I promised I would.

[shoez]

*hops in* im here with u, and ill hold ur hand if u need me to during the hard times buddy.
Ive had those sessions where im dreading to go...because of shame and fear.
Whatever it is, im here with ya
*bring cookies*

[confuseduk]

I'll come too. Really hope it goes well and holding Chance helps. We're here for you too, you can do this

[lostmyway21]

I feel stupid for asking to hold chance now. omg I'm so nervous.

[rainbow8]

I'm free tomorrow so I'll hop in! Don't be embarrassed to hold Chance. My T has a bear that I gave her and sometimes I hold it. Or else I grab a pillow very tightly. I hope you have a good session!

[confuseduk]

please don't feel stupid, I think it's a good idea and if you don't feel like holding him then you don't have to

[granite1]

i bring my stuffed litty named felix every week and hold him .my T asks if all is ok if i dont bring him out.sometimes i dont if i feel like i'm going to want to run out of there.jumping in the pocket

[carla.cdt]

First time a pocket rider!
I'm excited! Thanks for asking.
Good luck with Chance.

[Chopin99]

I'm in! Hope all goes well tomorrow!

[karebear1]

You can always count on me to be a pocket rider .... it's like, when I hop in someone's pocket to be a rider, I get therapy twice a week instead of just once and I get to make someone feel good all at the same time!!

I'm coming Looking forward to meeting Chance too!

[lostmyway21]

Thanks guys. He emailed me and said yes he would take him down so I could hold him. I wish I could go in there like this tomorrow. I guess I'll have to settle for hiding in my hoodie.

[lostmyway21]

Oh man I just emailed and canceled. Im spazzing out.

[vanessaG]

I will be there in your pocket

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

Can I have pocket riders for my session tomorrow? I'm really scared to go. I'm having a really hard time with therapy feelings. I'm so nervous I asked T if he could bring out my T bear "Chance" that he keeps safe in his back room for me. I've never asked to hold him in session before today. Ughh I don't want to go...but I promised I would.

Move over-I'm jumping in!
Bluemountains

[lostmyway21]

Thanks everyone. Ive calmed down a bit. So as long as T emails back and let's me know I can still go; then I will still need my pocket riders. Maybe even more so after my little canceling email tantrum.

I'm in! Do we want soda or milk or go with the cookies? Oh, and no nuts in my cookies, please! Nuts and cookies just don't go together, especially when we're all headed to therapy.

[FourRedheads]

I'm always there for you.

[lostmyway21]

Thanks for the pocket riders guys.

The session went okay. I went in and curled up in a ball and was quiet. He kept begging me not to be quiet, and he was super engaging and goofy. I mostly laughed at him. He insisted I was tired and I yelled at him I wasn't. Well we ended up bickering at each other a fair amount today, but in a playful way. Anyway, I didn't get to hold Chance, he had put him away on a super high shelf and I wasn't going to make him climb up and get him. It was okay, at least he offered to get him. I spent part of the session setting up his laptop with a cool app for his iPhone. He was like a little kid, totally excited. We had a nice sharing moment at the end. I asked him why he became a T, and it was very touching. He said at the end... My problems are not the same as yours, but that doesn't mean I don't understand, I have empathy for the things you went through, even though I didn't go through the same things.

I was upset, because I didn't address the most upsetting issue. I somehow came up with the courage to email it to him when I got home.

"I wanted to bring this up in session but I wasn't sure how to, and I
was too scared and ashamed to. It's about being triggered last week
when you said you had to change my appt. cause of child care issues.
It has had a huge effect on me, and my thoughts, and how I feel
towards you. My kid part is hurt and wants to act out and ruin our
relationship and not come back all this week. That part is angry that
I can only have you twice a week for like 45 minutes. Im angry that
instead of having a safe and caring understanding parent, I am stuck
with the abusive father, and a mother that neglected my most basic
childhood needs. Like the need to FEEL loved, by not even letting me
give her hugs, or offering them to me. That kid part of me is also
jealous of the people in your life that DO get you for real. The worst
part is how upset it makes me feel. Upset that the only person that
understands me, and makes me feel safe and protected isen't mine for
keeps. This is really hard, and and it makes me feel like a horrible
person. Can you help me understand these feelings? Can we talk about
this and work on it? The kid part of me is scared and confused, and
wants to runaway."

He replied, "Yes we will work on this I promise."

Oh man what a draining day. Sorry this was so long.

[Kacey2]

Lostmyway,
A good thing came from you going to your session with your email afterwards. I am proud of you. I like it when you can explain to t by saying, "this is what I want to do...." instead of just out and doing it. T's appreciate it too and I noticed it is really much more useful than doing the acting out. It also has far less consequences. You were very brave to tell t your vulnerable feelings. Good job.

I'm in! Packing snacky cakes!

[confused and dazed]

I hope I'm not late! I'm jumping in.... and bringing popcorn for everyone.

[FourRedheads]

I am proud if you for sending your T that email! You are able to articulate your needs and feelings very well and you seem to be quite self-aware. Your T sounds like a good one. I like his response to your question of why he became a T. Maybe I'll ask my T the same question tomorrow.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

I am proud if you for sending your T that email! You are able to articulate your needs and feelings very well and you seem to be quite self-aware. Your T sounds like a good one. I like his response to your question of why he became a T. Maybe I'll ask my T the same question tomorrow.

Well his response was quite adorable, (he had a huge smile as he started to tell the story) and at other times sad, where my heart broke for him. He went into more detail then I posted, but I just didn't feel right posting the in-depths. It was touching, and made me feel connected with him even more.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

My kid part is hurt and wants to act out and ruin our
relationship and not come back all this week. That part is angry that
I can only have you twice a week for like 45 minutes. Im angry that
instead of having a safe and caring understanding parent, I am stuck
with the abusive father, and a mother that neglected my most basic
childhood needs. Like the need to FEEL loved, by not even letting me
give her hugs, or offering them to me. That kid part of me is also
jealous of the people in your life that DO get you for real. The worst
part is how upset it makes me feel. Upset that the only person that
understands me, and makes me feel safe and protected isn't mine for
keeps. This is really hard, and and it makes me feel like a horrible
person.

Yes, it's hard. And it all makes perfect sense. Almost all.

You really want something, and you know you can't have it, and it hurts. I feel that way about my own T, and a lot of us here do too.

The interesting thing is what happens next. How do we respond to wanting something we can't have?

I get angry. I sulk. I blame the person for withholding what I want.

You, on the other hand, feel like you are a horrible person.

I believe the response Ts most like to see is: "I don't always get what I want and that's OK. It does hurt, but it's a pain I can live with."

Good luck in your journey. See you there!