Pocket-Riders...please?

Yes, it's hard. And it all makes perfect sense. Almost all.

You really want something, and you know you can't have it, and it hurts. I feel that way about my own T, and a lot of us here do too.

The interesting thing is what happens next. How do we respond to wanting something we can't have?

I get angry. I sulk. I blame the person for withholding what I want.

You, on the other hand, feel like you are a horrible person.

I believe the response Ts most like to see is: "I don't always get what I want and that's OK. It does hurt, but it's a pain I can live with."

Good luck in your journey. See you there!

Thank you for pointing this out. I am really struggling with impulses to SI since this has come up. I feel like such a bad person for feeling this way. I am so angry at myself, because I don't have the any right to these wants or needs from him. I hate myself right now. I am a horrible person to be jelous of the time he has with his family. He has given me more than enough, including time from his family answering my constant emails. I just want to punish myself for all these thoughts. T told me to try the rubber band thing to try to keep my SI'ing at ease, until he see's me on Thursday and we can work on all of this. These emotions are so awfully intense. Right now this doesn't feel like a pain I can live with.

These emotions are so awfully intense. Right now this doesn't feel like a pain I can live with.

You really want something, and you know you can't have it, and it hurts. I feel that way about my own T, and a lot of us here do too... The interesting thing is what happens next. How do we respond to wanting something we can't have?... I get angry. I sulk. I blame the person for withholding what I want... I believe the response Ts most like to see is: "I don't always get what I want and that's OK. It does hurt, but it's a pain I can live with."

My T usually starts singing the Stones' song, "You can't always get what you WANT, but if you try sometime, you might find, you get what you NEED." Which should be better, right? Getting what you NEED?

Thanks for the pocket riders guys.

The session went okay. I went in and curled up in a ball and was quiet. He kept begging me not to be quiet, and he was super engaging and goofy. I mostly laughed at him. He insisted I was tired and I yelled at him I wasn't. Well we ended up bickering at each other a fair amount today, but in a playful way. Anyway, I didn't get to hold Chance, he had put him away on a super high shelf and I wasn't going to make him climb up and get him. It was okay, at least he offered to get him. I spent part of the session setting up his laptop with a cool app for his iPhone. He was like a little kid, totally excited. We had a nice sharing moment at the end. I asked him why he became a T, and it was very touching. He said at the end... My problems are not the same as yours, but that doesn't mean I don't understand, I have empathy for the things you went through, even though I didn't go through the same things.

I was upset, because I didn't address the most upsetting issue. I somehow came up with the courage to email it to him when I got home.

"I wanted to bring this up in session but I wasn't sure how to, and I
was too scared and ashamed to. It's about being triggered last week
when you said you had to change my appt. cause of child care issues.
It has had a huge effect on me, and my thoughts, and how I feel
towards you. My kid part is hurt and wants to act out and ruin our
relationship and not come back all this week. That part is angry that
I can only have you twice a week for like 45 minutes. Im angry that
instead of having a safe and caring understanding parent, I am stuck
with the abusive father, and a mother that neglected my most basic
childhood needs. Like the need to FEEL loved, by not even letting me
give her hugs, or offering them to me. That kid part of me is also
jealous of the people in your life that DO get you for real. The worst
part is how upset it makes me feel. Upset that the only person that
understands me, and makes me feel safe and protected isen't mine for
keeps. This is really hard, and and it makes me feel like a horrible
person. Can you help me understand these feelings? Can we talk about
this and work on it? The kid part of me is scared and confused, and
wants to runaway."

He replied, "Yes we will work on this I promise."

Oh man what a draining day. Sorry this was so long.

My T usually starts singing the Stones' song, "You can't always get what you WANT, but if you try sometime, you might find, you get what you NEED." Which should be better, right? Getting what you NEED?