Processing Termination with New T?

So I broke down and emailed old T regarding a "termination session". My new T, Dr. J suggested that we have a final session so i can process this termination. He even said he would facilitate it or assist me with it. So I freaked out and emailed old T today to see if she would be willing to see me and help me over this termination.

Old T,

The new Therapist I am seeing suggested that I contact you regarding termination. I think he wants me to process the entire thing before moving forward. Are you willing to or do you even think, it would help if we had a final termination session? He suggested calling you on my behalf, but I figured I could just call you and ask. I no longer have your number but I did have your email address , saved in my phone by default. I am seeing Dr. J PsyD., he was suggested by Dr. H. He is running a series of test on me Friday, about 3 hours worth, IQ and personality stuff. I know I am still having a hard time with the termination but I trust your judgment in if you think I stand to gain anything from a final meeting. He even suggesting facilitating the meeting if need be, although I am not sure he needs to be part of it. I know you hate email and so I am apologizing now. Please let me know if you are willing to have a termination session and if you prefer it with him or without.

Thanks, Lola



Has anyone else had to have a "termination session", what occurs? Did it help? Did it hurt?

I think new T facilitating would be awesome. Or if not facilitating, at least hanging out. but I think she would be on her best behavior if he was there, which would just be more of her crazy-making.

I had a termination session when my previous T moved away. We left under very good terms, but I found the termination session to be very helpful. It was very emotional for me, though - I pretty much cried through the while thing, because I really, really did not want to lose him.

We reviewed the progress I'd made and the things I still wanted to work on with a new T. He had given me a few names of other Ts to try and I'd talked to one them a couple of times, so we talked about how that went (not well - I terminated with her after only 3 sessions).

We also had the opportunity to talk about what our work had meant to each of us. It was really gratifying to hear his perspective on it. We hugged, he walked me out, we shook hands and that was it.

I think most successful therapy terminates in a termination session. Each person ruminates about what they got from working together and what they "regret" or think still needs working on, etc. It's just a kind of summing up. Both my T and I were retiring and moving so we sort of discussed that; what I was going to be doing/working on next (after retiring in a few weeks, I was moving and then immediately after that, going to Europe on a long-planned trip).

When I got back from the trip and was in the new home/neighborhood/lifestyle (I'd lived in the old location 20+ years) I eventually hired an online/email therapist for a couple months to work on the radical changes that had happened in the previous six months and getting settled in to them.

Here response:

Lola,

I don’t think it is necessary to have a termination processing session – we discussed the issue(s) frequently over the course of your therapy, most particularly over the last several weeks of therapy, and I don’t see what the point would be, and I’m surprised at the proposal.

Best Wishes,

Awful xT

my response:

Awful xT ,

I am not sure why you would be surprised. I was under the impression that it was healthy to process a termination before attempting to move on. I was attached to you and it ended weird and it has jacked with me emotionally. I told him I would ask and I have.

Regards,

Lola

I want to call her on the phone and cuss her out or punch her in the face or throw something really hard at her.

I'm soooo sorry Lola!

Termination sessions are completely standard practice - did she not attend a counseling program? My goodness. But this shows your newT just how messed up she is and clearly demonstrates that it's HER and not you. You are more healthy than her. I guess you'll have to do the processing with new T and at the end you could write her a letter getting out everything you feel and send it to her.

More important: now you have a clean start with newT! This is exciting I wish you all the best with new T!

Totally cursing inside my head, Lola! I am so angry on your behalf. She has such nerve! Ugh!

I think you handled this well, both the initial letter and the response to her response. You were honest and clear and polite. I am really sorry she's not willing......especially when you genuinely feel the need for it and don't feel like whatever you did discuss really was like closure.....{hugs}
I have been through something similar. Last summer, my T thought she wasn't helping anymore because I was in a major breakdown, not getting better, so she said in a month she would refer me but if there had been improvement she would re-evaluate at that time. Well, I ended up getting taken to the hosp by the police () while she was on vacay and when she got back I was still there and she terminated me....yeah, we had talked about the whole thing of her referring me for a little bit, but how was that supposed to be closure? A 10 minute phone conversation while I was in the hosp....then I left town, had another T there. When I was going to come back home, that T thought a closure visit would be helpful for me.....xT acted willing, but 3 weeks went by with nothing.....2nd T thot I should call her, so I did, but it ended up that 1st T called 2nd T and asked her to explain a thing or 2 to me.....so I didn't get a closure session either, or what felt like real closure. So I wrote a fat long letter.....it helped.....but occasionally I have found myself reminded of something and I get really furious or really sad all over again....grrrr.
As 2nd T said, sometimes relationships just don't end well, we don't get the closure we want from that person, and we have to accept it, deal with it the best we can and let go.....so here I am, not really with a T at the moment, doing the processing/letting go/grieving process.
It's not easy and I am sorry you have to go through it, and I hope your current T can help you with processing the relationship with xT and how it went/ended.....

everything I truly want to say would show up on the boards like this "****************"......so F that B. I am so flippin angry right now I cant see straight.

I went through some times like that....I was totally like f****** B****!! I even had evil dreams of trashing her office or something. The anger is part of the grieving process or whatever you want to call it in the aftermath of a relationship gone sour......

I say post a disclaimer at the top of your post, push return several times to create blank space, and F***ING GO FOR IT!!

yeah seriously...that's what i would do...post that nasty reply to her here...we can all enjoy filling in the blanks.

you knew she wouldn't respond. she shut you down & closed you off & dismissed you like you would an annoying preschooler. don't even waste your time with a meeting or calling or anything. new t has his answer..i wouldn't even want to read the records except just to be nosy...some people play like a good t but it is now obvious that she wasn't even doing a good job at that.

That is crazy.. I am mad for you.

I feel rejected and unmanageable and afraid to start getting real with the new T because I'll be worried about his reaction to me all the time.

Lola, I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I think old T handled that wrong.

I still think new T has his head kind of up his butt. he pushed for this, meaning either a) you did not express clearly enough to him what an a ss lick she was (oops did I say that out loud?!) or b) you did indeed say it clearly enough, but he CAN'T HEAR because he has his head up his butt. I don't know why I keep making all these planetary references (Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus).

I don't know either ... I forwarded new T the email from old T... I did what he asked, and the B I T C H said no.

IMO this is something that I would talk about with the new T. I think it would help him understand how much T1 messed with your head. (so to speak)

stumpy says: i think lolacabana's old t is a crazy *** ***** mother****ing bad *** bad t.

ok..i just wasn't wound up enough to get a good rant on...

I am glad you got away from her. She is not good at all. What a horrible way to handle a reasonable request for a post termination processing appointment.

I'm reflecting on this and I realize , I don't give a rats *** how ****ing crazy I seemed to her. I think she didn't like me, for some reason. Was I too honest , do I smell, am I beyond help am I incouragable, - all nice thoughts or Was I too intelligent for you, did I remind you of the daughter you never had, we're you attracted to me, jealous of me, did I trigger you, did my mommy issues bother you considering you never had kids, or that your mother died when you were young and you were raised by your alcoholic dad-was it my alcoholic step dad , was it all too close to home or are you crazy or just a half *** therapist who was afraid I was digging too deep and you don't have that kind of time? Or were you having to dust off the ole' Phycology 101?
If she felt threatened , new T said he would sit in... Not that she had a reason but I am trying to come up with a logical reason as to why she refused to see me for a last session. I got nothing other then she a ****in ***** who can't face her own issues and apparently I either caused them or stirred them up. She doesn't have the balls to be truthful with me or the knowledge to defend why I'm so difficult from a T perspective. **** her and the horse she rode in on.

I realize most of you will see ******, it's all a good ole' southern tongue lashin' going on !

:****you: :middlefinger: just checking

Oooooo Lola, you've hit the jackpot in saying everything she could have/probably felt when working with you or any other client who was able to dig down and be real . . .And you recognized it was about HER and not about you. The woman wasn't able to separate her own issues from yours. .. sad but all to true when it comes to therapy. I'm glad you've moved on! I can only hope that this new therapist is prepared for the honest, open person who is willing to open herself up to another human being! He needs to meet you in the same real and open space that you are willing to open between you.

I forwarded my initial email and her response to Dr J and he responded. I am so happy he did.

Me too! you probably do NOT want to forward him my planetary post, though! a little mass hysteria never hurt anybody, right?