[rainbow8]

I showed my T the log that I messed up with red marker and we agreed to do EMDR about it. Then she hit me with her bombshell! She's going away for 2 weeks at the end of April--to another country again. This wouldn't be so bad except that we are visiting my daughter early in April and I'm not sure yet if I will be back before my T goes away. So, we did the EMDR about that, and it ended up to be about my mother's illness and death.

I was close to tears but my feeling was more like I was in quicksand or the black that I colored on the other log. My T says I need to do more grieving about my mother. She suggested a collage. She forgot we did that already.

I don't want my T to leave!!! She said we have 4 more weeks but we don't, depending on when we go to visit my daughter. This is not the trip for my anniversary to the Rockies; this is my family so it's wonderful, but not a vacation.

I kept telling her I don't want her to go! She said I can cope and we have more time to talk about it. But I am panicking at her leaving me, and it could be a whole month with both of us going at different times.

I went to the lake after my session but I just cried and cried there.
I can't stand people leaving me. I know it's about my mother but she didn't leave until she got sick.

I don't feel good. Could I please have some hugs?
One good thing was that my T thought my getting a massage was great. So do I!

[critterlady]

I'm sorry, Rainbow. It's scary to think of not seeing her for a long time.

And I agree - massages are the best! I'm trying to get regular ones lately and they really make a difference in my stress level. The massage therapist I go to also does emotional release aromatherapy massages - I'm going to try one soon.

[Chopin99]

(((((((((((((((rainbow)))))))))))))))



I'm sorry you're going through this. I would be dreading it too. I don't know how to make the pain go away, but I can give you the hugs you requested.

I'm sorry its so hard. Really difficult when T's go out of town.

[confuseduk]

I'm sorry Rainbow, I really hope you get back before your T goes away. In the meantime try to enjoy this months sessions sending you lots of

[rainbow8]

Thanks for all the hugs and kind words. All I can think of is that I don't want my T to leave me. I emailed that to her just now. I'm crying again. Even if I can see her before she leaves, I'm so afraid when she goes away. Afraid she won't come back. I let myself get close to her and now I don't want her to leave.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Rainbow can you possibly reschedule yr visit to yr daughter to coincide with T's absence? your change of scenery etc will make the time go faster and you won't be left on yr own so much. I'm sorry this is happening

[roads]

*many gentle hugs ((((((rainbow8)))))) sitting near*

[WePow]

Good job of trying to EMDR this and process it out! Big hugs to you!

[mixedup_emotions]

(((((( HUGS )))))))

I can totally understand the panic, fear and sadness. It triggers feelings of abandonment as well, and abandonment is so painful. I hope that you are able to see T before she goes on vacation.

[rainbow8]

No, I can't reschedule; that's not an option at all this time.

[WikidPissah]

I'm sorry rainbow

[peaches100]

(((((Rainbow)))))

I know how awful you feel because, as you know, my t has been taking alot of vacations lately. It's darn painful every time!! I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I SOOOOO know how you feel. . .

[Perna]

Okay, shift that thinking! It's good news! You get to practice and try out all the stuff you have been learning and see where you're at. It's one thing to have our therapy/therapist training wheels on our bikes but occasionally we need to take them off and see how we're doing learning to balance on our own?

[rainbow8]

I've been distracting myself with one of my hobbies which has been very helpful, but now I'm thinking about the situation again. Perna, you're right. I know that, but there is something going on with me. I don't know what it is. It's not that I can't function without my T; it's this awful feeling I get when I think about her. I've pushed it aside for a couple of days.

I feel like I'm in quicksand and sinking fast. I don't know if it's erotic transference, Mommy transference or just plain grief. I don't want to face it because I feel stuck in the quicksand. It hurts too much to have to leave my T each week. After 2 years it should be getting better, but the more I share with her, the harder it is to leave. I think something is wrong with me that is never going to get better. It's too big to be about my mother dying. I don't know where it comes from; I suppose it's those unmet needs.

I don't want my T to go so far away from me. I don't!!!

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't want my T to go so far away from me. I don't!!!

This sounds like it could be a younger, vulnerable child part who is protesting here. It is good to give your parts a voice. Can you listen to her now and offer comfort to the parts that hurt and want? It helps me if I find the nurturing parts of myself.

You can do this, Rainbow. It'll be okay.

[rainbow8]

Again, thanks everyone for the hugs!!! Brightheart, thank you. I'll try. It's a young part and also the young adult who lost her mother. It is around the anniversay of my Mom's death so I "wrote her another letter" today. I did that last year too. I will read it to my T on Tuesday.

My Mom died when I was 34. I wasn't young, and I just went on with my life except for starting therapy. I didn't talk about her in therapy for 4 months until I casually mentioned that she had died. My T was sort of in shock and wondered aloud if that's why I was depressed. I didn't want to go there, though.

The child wants Mommy. I know that. But I want my T too. I understand transference, but it seems like I want my T. I'm so confused by it all.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Squiggle.

[FourRedheads]

Hi Rainbow

I just want to give you a It is so hard when T's leave. I'm very sorry about your Mom, too.