[northgirl]

If any of y'all read my post last week, I was struggling with the decision of whether or not to continue my therapy. In my session Wednesday, I went in planning to continue, but talking about it I was conflicted. My T wouldn't give me any imput, said it was my decision. I eventually decided it couldn't hurt, so I said I guessed I would continue, but since I have trouble expressing what I want in my life, He made me say I WANT THERAPY, confidently. which was hard. He also asked me what I think we should work on so I can get the most out of our time. Proposed we have a "brainstorming" session. Of course, my T thought I should identify what I am having trouble with. And I told the hard truth, everything I've been trying to avoid. I need to deal with my emotions. I am the strong one, push hard things away, only to realize I can't get over them. Had too much pain continually in my life, it was the only way I could cope without falling apart. He pushes my buttons continually, if I say something makes me sad, I am forced to dwell on it before I can dismiss it. And no matter how much I feel like crying in those moments, I can't. I end up sitting there silent, shrugging my shoulders, waiting to move on to the next topic. So I basically committed to more of the same awkwardness, but I need to find a way to allow my emotions to come out so I can work through these issues. I want help but it's so hard to force myself to receive it. Any suggestions?

[Sannah]

Hi ngirl, what are you afraid will happen if you feel your emotions?

[Perna]

Sounds like you and your therapist are doing well. You have identified the problem, what you want to work with; that is the first step. Nothing is going to happen all-at-once, you aren't suddenly going to open up or start crying on demand, etc.

You don't have to force yourself to receive help, you are receiving help! You go to therapy and are working with your therapist, you are coming here and asking for help, you are quite willing or you would not be pursuing it this hard yet!

Originally Posted by northgirl

And I told the hard truth, everything I've been trying to avoid. I need to deal with my emotions. I am the strong one, push hard things away, only to realize I can't get over them. Had too much pain continually in my life, it was the only way I could cope without falling apart. He pushes my buttons continually, if I say something makes me sad, I am forced to dwell on it before I can dismiss it. And no matter how much I feel like crying in those moments, I can't. I end up sitting there silent, shrugging my shoulders, waiting to move on to the next topic. So I basically committed to more of the same awkwardness, but I need to find a way to allow my emotions to come out so I can work through these issues. I want help but it's so hard to force myself to receive it. Any suggestions?

I don't have any suggestions but I just wanted to say that you are not alone in this situation. I too push the hard things away. and react the same way in session if he pushes too much ... maybe someone else has some ideas.

[sconnie892]

Originally Posted by Perna

Sounds like you and your therapist are doing well. You have identified the problem, what you want to work with; that is the first step. Nothing is going to happen all-at-once, you aren't suddenly going to open up or start crying on demand, etc.

You don't have to force yourself to receive help, you are receiving help! You go to therapy and are working with your therapist, you are coming here and asking for help, you are quite willing or you would not be pursuing it this hard yet!

I agree. You are working on this simply by pursuing therapy. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to open up and cry in therapy. It takes time. It's taken me six months to let my t see my depression symptoms first hand. I put up a strong front until now. I've never cried in front of her. It will come with time.

Have you tried some stream of consciousness type journaling? I've been feeling stuck and started doing that after my last session. I accessed some emotions I didn't even realize I was feeling. It's not the same as being able to process the emotions with t in a session, but it does help me practice accessing the feelings, think about them, get comfortable with the idea I have them, and accept that I have them. And it's given me something to talk about at my session on Wednesday.

[nicoleb2]

I've been seeing my t for almost 6 years now and I still struggle with allowing the emotions, some days will be better than others, it just takes time

[northgirl]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi ngirl, what are you afraid will happen if you feel your emotions?

whenever I feel my emotions, it just makes them more real, i guess. Just like saying things out loud about how much pain I"m in makes it more real. If i think about things, it's easy to give myself counter-arguments, but saying what I really feel and having my T reinforce those feelings just reinforces how I've lost the ability to be strong anymore. THanks for the support

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by northgirl

saying what I really feel and having my T reinforce those feelings just reinforces how I've lost the ability to be strong anymore.

Being healthy is letting the feelings out. Not sure about your definition of being strong, but it doesn't sound healthy.