support here and in therapy

Sometimes it's enough for me to just get the 'thanks' or yes, the 'hugs'.....because then I know people did read, did care! And as far as the hugs thing goes, I like to use them not because I am generally such a 'huggy' person in RL but because, even when I don't really feel like I have something to say that I feel like would be helpful/needed, I want that poster to know that I did read their post, that it touched my heart, that I feel empathy for the pain/fear/problem, etc., expressed in the post. I want to at least offer support, even if it's a wordless sort of support.
I like to get replies too, though - and I am certainly guilty (or whatever you'd want to call it) of wishing for/expecting a certain sort of response ...... sometimes I want a sympathetic response, and get practical, logical ones instead! But it's all good. I really NEED different perspectives from different people to help me get a more balanced one for myself, too. I don't want to be coddled really; I want to be challenged, both emotionally and intellectually.
I have always felt supported here and in general liked/cared for and about. And I want to support in general most all here too, no matter what their issue/diagnosis/personality is (I have definitely had my horizons broadened by being here! yeah, and being in the hospital will do that for you too.....). I guess I can figure out better though what kind of support to give to some better than I can to others and know there's more of a resonation with some than others, issues/questions that I understand and can contribute to more than others. I don't wanna poke my nose in where I don't have much clue what I'm talking about or end up adding confusion/frustration to someone.
I didn't go to therapy originally because I wanted support, emotional support.....I went because I was getting frustrated, scared, concerned deeply about the consistent pattern of terrible depressions/obsessions that kept happening to me. I wanted to know WHY, I wanted to know WHAT to do! The attachment stuff was not even in my mind.....I saw a counselor once before for 4 months and it was a purely intellectual dynamic/dialogue; I didn't feel, or even think of, being attached to him. So I was really blindsided by it.....
T2, well, I didn't go to her for support so much in the beginning either.....I went because I was court-ordered, but I had very little expectation(actually I simply didn't give a **** about it or anything else right then!) that she would have anything good to offer me or that she could help or that anything about another T relationship would be good or worth it.
But she appealed to me intellectually somehow.....and I started to enjoy conversations with her, because she challenged me, she spurred my mind, she got me interested in thinking deep on things again. It got to be fun to spar/banter, I liked her humor....she used humor, even (and especially) sarcastic, pointed humor, but I don't think she would have done that with a client who couldn't handle/didn't like it, and when I wasn't in the mood for it, she backed off. She used humor to get me to see lots of things that might have been harder for me to see/handle seeing without them being delivered in a more palatable form.....
Anyway, I felt just as supported/helped by her style than the more empathic, attachment-oriented style of T1, if not a little more so, because it played more to my preference of thinking/talking about feelings rather than actually feeling them .
I don't know now that I would go to a T because I wanted emotional support or because I want so much to go through attachment......what I really enjoy is a good, long, deep, philosophical, spiritual, intellectual conversation, being heard, listened to, challenged and validated both ...... not that I don't want empathy, because I do, but I think I want empathy that has both gentleness and firmness in it. I also like to talk and want someone patient enough to listen whilst I prattle on! And I want a real connection.....not so much attachment, but a connection......

PC reminds me of one big dysfunctional family, a group of people trying to find authenticity, answers, and healing.

I have felt very welcome here. I use PC to learn about perspectives that differ from my own. I am one of few who risks posting gory details and I do this for several reasons. One, I hope the posting and the subsequent replies from others helps others who may not be as bold in posting. If my story helps one person, it is more than worth it to me. Two, I actually don't mind being called out on BS. I am learning as I am reading Cloud and Townsend's book "Boundaries" that I am a compliant boundaryless person that lets others take advantage of me while simultaneously trying to manipulate others to violate their own boundaries to get my needs met. This manipulation tactic comes straight from my upbringing. So I need to be shown consequences. Three, I don't feel so isolated in my process. Many of the people I know IRL do not understand what I'm going through. Everyone here does. Everyone here is trying to overcome; trauma, MI, SA, bad childhoods, dysfunctional relational dynamics, etc. Four, I can compare my process, bounce ideas off others, and keep my relationship with T in check. For example, recently, many are telling me to be careful with T because some things sound hinky. Without being told that, I would probably just go along with whatever T tells me because I wouldn't know any better. I become a informed consumer.

Interestingly enough my HaltHound, my new wonderful most awesome excellent at ever...who by the way, is thanks to the direct support of you fine individuals...T Dr. J emailed me with something that relates to this... and I am going to share because I over post and I love to help people. Ok BB see below...

Do you plan on looking for the online forum I post to? Is it ok I post about us and you, I won't use your name.

1 - I have no plan, or frankly interest, in looking at a forum for your posts.* That is, I'm sure, another form of therapy and support for you.* That would be like bugging your home and listening to conversations of you and Cella.* Of course you can talk about me in any area of your life.* It is I, that can't talk about you to others.

Can I trust you to always be honest with me and I will also be with you, no matter how bad ?



2 - Always honest?* I'll try.* How is that for an answer.* Theoretically, there are times in life, and maybe therapy, that call for not necessarily a lie, but not "telling the truth to the point of fault."* That is probably too theoritical of an answer.* But yes, honesty is essential and MUST run parallel to trust, which has to be earned and not given haphazardly.*

Said a lot there.* Enjoy the rest of your weekend

--------- that was it---------

That my dear is the start of a beautiful working relationship. I have hopes for the young lad as my well being rest in his hands.

I do not apologize for the hijacking of your thread as I am fully aware of your stance concerning that.

However the hugging and general nudges of affection will continue as the hugs are virtual I see no rational reason as to why they would have any effect on you RL affect?

So I say... " pay non mind to the man behind the curtain, I am the great and powerful Oz "... You just gotta trust a little, can you feel me home chicken?

" help me help you " ....that's myn2 cents, "Seacrest Out"...

"Good day sir... I said GOOD DAY"...

LC

truly if all i wanted from going to T or here is knowledge the T had without support or anything else i would buy a book it is way cheaper

Yeah, can we have a prickly forum?! Love this sentence, btw.

Gee, thanks for including me in your family, always wanted to belong to a big, dysfunctional family; oh, wait, I came from one of them!

My T is very supportive. She's encouraging and positive, patient and understanding. She allows email, often responds when appropriate, and has even called me on occasion. I could go on and on, but mostly I just feel like she's really 'there' for me, and is trying her damndest to help me get of of this hole!

I find it interesting what LastYearIsBlank said about it feeling like people are 'channelling' their therapists in the kind and supportive way they respond to posts, and putting to use what they're learning in therapy to help others here on the forum. I'd go along with that. I've told my T I see her as somewhat of a role model, and there are circumstances where I consciously do try to 'channel' her in response to a situation, like 'what would T do?' I guess that also counts as trying to put into practice what I learn in therapy - things like being more assertive as opposed to passive/aggressive, being more positive, calm, accepting, analytical, etc - the type of things my T demonstrates.

I don't think we always have to agree with someone to be supportive - my T can't always agree with me, my outlook, the way I behave, whatever - because clearly if I was going about everything the right way I'd never have turned up at her door! - but there are different ways of telling people. I can't think of a time I've ever felt like T has told me I'm wrong (maybe she has? If she has she's done it so sneakily and sweetly that I haven't noticed! lol) and I've never felt like she's judged me, or put me down... I suppose what she does is offer an alternative view, suggestion, or course of action - gentle prods in the right direction.

Here on the forum I welcome everyone's opinions - as varied as they often are. I might not agree with them all, but I find it helpful to consider all points of view. Sometimes I think we need people to disagree with us to (gently!) get us to see that our thinking about a particular issue may be distorted (who hasn't gone overboard or catastrophised when upset? ) There are also times when it's clear someone just needs some validation and for someone to say 'I hear you!'

I know the 'Thanks' and 'Hugs' buttons aren't for everyone, but I don't mind saying that I for one get warm fuzzies when I get them on my posts!

I think sometimes people can be a little sensitive to 'hijacking' - a couple of posts that go slightly off topic or into a bit of banter generally help the whole group discussion and dynamic, I find, and in my threads I always welcome people sharing their own experiences... but I guess everyone's different in what they find acceptable. My T has a thing she says about not expecting others to share our own 'rules for living'...

I've wrote all this and now I'm not even sure if I've answered the question

Anyroad, stopdog, I enjoy many of your posts, and appreciate your POV - and your wickid-dry sense of humour, you make me giggle many a time - so, sorry, but:

on a more serious note.

disclaimer the following response id my opinion and beliefs and in no way is intended to sway,berate or convince anyone person into following these beliefs.
I'm not necessarily in T for her support because i sure have some bad habits that if supported it would be very problematic.i know a big part of my way of thinking and processing the world around me is messed up do to past or present issues or maybe both.i need to find different ways of dealing so my life can be healthier and happier for me.i am a very cynical person and trust very little but in order to move forward in my life in a more balanced way i need to be able to trust that what my T is saying is OK and isn't going to hurt me .that my T has my best interests at heart. at least that is what my T says.guess i dint know much about what i am trying to say because it all confuses me but i do know in order to be happier i need to trust and i need someone to show me how to do that.

Well I didn't go to therapy to trust her, or necessarily look for support. I went because I was grieving and knew i needed to somehow deal with relationship issues. What i've found out is that i am very avoidant and don't like to talk about myself, and have many fears that i project onto my T, which has made it harder for me to open up and tell her things that make me feel vulnerable. In that sense, I need to be able to trust my T that she won't get mad at me/judge me/think i'm pathetic, or whatever.

So do you go in and tell your T exactly what the problem is? And does she respond with intellect/knowledge on your problem? Do you think its as easy as knowing the problem and needing a solution? What if it isn't so simple?

Wily: skilled at gaining advantage, usually deceitfully. Stopdog--that is a perfect word you used to describe T's. From what I've seen you post, ANY technique a T uses is manipulative. I guess, technically they are. They are using a tool (their knowledge/training) to alter something (whatever problem it is you are coming there for). It does not have to be seen as a negative thing, as it seems you do. In your ideal world, how would therapy look to you/help you? I know you want 'knowledge,' but what does that mean to you, specifically?

In terms of knowing how it helps...the changes can be slow, insidious. On the outside I don't seem very different than I was 4 years ago. I'm way less irritable thanks to medication, but otherwise my life "looks" the same. If I think about it, I now can think more outside the box when I am upset by someone, that it isn't always my fault. I have gained greater coping skills in dealing with stress. All of 2011 was horrible for me, and I don't know how I couldn't have gotten through it if I didn't have my T there to be calm and rational. To be objective when I couldn't see past my own two feet. She has shown me that I can handle things better than I think I can. I have taken greater risks than I normally would have if I had not been in therapy.

Those aren't any big, great changes, but they are changes. I also don't think you can extrapolate if it is therapy that makes you feel better, or exercise, or meditation. They ALL help, and they all work together in making you feel better. I only do one of those things
I see your viewpoint; no one's thoughts about you should change how you feel about something. But why the vehemence? Why not acknowledge her saying something positive with a simple 'thank you,' and then move on? Do you think all compliments people give out are condescending? Just because they are T's doesn't mean they aren't genuinely happy when their client does something good. They still are human and not total robots!

Personally, I have a hard time accepting compliments, so I understand. I don't think I have ever thought that someone has an ulterior motive for giving me a compliment, I just never believed them.

By the way--I truly am curious how you think If I am overstepping any boundaries, let me know

I do believe every technique a therapist does is manipulation. I don't think I ever said that made it all bad. I just think they should admit it.

And I don't think they have an ulterior motive, or I don't see condenscension as ulterior motive, for saying good job. I don't see it as a compliment or something positive from a therapist. Others compliments can be okay from if it is their place to do so. I guess if it had to happen the therapist could be genuinely happy for a client, but they should keep it to themselves. And I can't really see it coming up in the first place. And I do not think every "good job" is genuine or necessary unless one has really done something that is good, not just okay or usual or expected.

I've just about come to the conclusion, at least in my own therapy, that my therapist really doesn't actually do that much. I'm not even sure there is a technique at play at all, much less a manipulation. I will admit that outside of its application in orthopedic medicine, the word manipulation has such negative connotation to me, but anyway.

Seems to me as though I go in and just tell him what's going on. If there is a problem, and I know what it is, he helps me to sort out fact from fiction in my head, from there, I go on.

If I have no idea what is wrong he helps me differentiate it into something understandable. It's almost as though I pay him to be my archivist. He has access and understanding of what's up with me that I don't always have access to.

It's nothing I couldn't really do for myself, it's just so much easier to see when there is someone on the outside pointing out what's in.

I feel totally supported in therapy because my T shows that she cares and tells me that she cares.

I feel supported when people here take me seriously and address my concerns, but also are willing to joke with me and try to get me to see it's not so deadly serious as I may be making it. I cannot tell you the number of times I have been weeping while reading here, only to read something hankster, stopdog, pbutton or preacherheckler says and just burst out laughing in the middle of my tears. It's really nice to have both. Shoot, I even enjoy it when people use my threads as a jumping off place to discuss completely different things.

Me, too.

Support on PC comes in a variety of ways for me. On some days, it may be a thanks or a hug. Other times, it's words of encouragement or reassurance.

Often, I come to PC and post about a negative T experience because I value others input/experiences and (sadly) therapy may not feel safe.

I try and offer support when I can, I am not very good at it when I am not in a great place myself. I am definitely a work in progress!

I think the reason I keep coming back here is because I can have one of my hugely anger-ridden blowouts and people don't just dismiss me as being difficult - I get honest replies to my posts and replies from people telling me what helped for them, as well as different viewpoints that I had not considered already (when most of the time I believe I considered every possible angle, haha). When I go to mental health professionals, I get diagnosed with a bad attitude and laziness, but you guys here don't go with the labels and you give good, honest, practical tips. And you are kind people too.

I'm not sure what would constitute support from a T though. I think of my T as I would think of a doctor - i have a certain condition and I am going to her to have it treated. I don't really care about her as a person - her private life is her business. I'm not looking for pats on the back. I'm not looking for a mother figure. I'm not looking at her as someone who my whole life depends on. All I'm interested in is her knowledge and tips, similar to what i get from this website. She could have been a convicted serial killer in her past but I still wouldn't really care, as long as she had some good tips to give. I am on a quest for knowledge and if a serial killer has that knowledge, then fine, haha. So I guess support from a T would, to me, be practical advice.

KazzaX, that's pretty effing awesome. You might want to share what you've written here with your T. It could open a door, you never know.

You remind me of the old joke my father told once (he did not like psychiatrists/mental health of the 1940's/50's because my mother had a fatal brain tumor and they sent her to psychiatrists instead, said her seizures were caused by her relationship with her mother and, no doubt, sexual problems with her husband) where two psychiatrists who work in the same office are walking toward each other down a hallway and the one says, "Good morning!" and the other says, "What do you mean by that?"

My T asked me today what do I use this message board for. It helps me connect to others going through the same thing. and it keeps me from calling him 50 times!

Agree about the manipulation. I would see it more as a result of their having to be attentive to everything equally (it's in their job description). As to T saying good job - my T says it pretty rarely, but when he does, it's a session i've felt in my gut, my whole body feels flushed - now i'm wondering, how does he know that?! Anyway, it feels integrating. I really had no feel for this question, ie no understanding of "support".

i go to therapy to work thru my thousands if not billions of issues..ok not really..did, ptsd, etc. my t is good..she supports me teaches me to manage sort thru things cope when i am unsure etc. i don't have issues about wanting to be held all session or having her be my mother or worrying if she goes away, stalking her house, wanting to sleep with ehr etc. i can't e mail or text & that's fine. rarely call, don't stalk her in town (altho she says she sees me all over the place). my only requirement is that she provide birthday & christmas gifts...which she does.

she makes mistakes upon occasion & i quit. i do too & then i quit. & then i go back. she always says she will be there for me..i have been with her for like 5 years. this past week i quit & then she called me friday to tell me her dog died..would i like her stuff. so we go back & forth...i think i support her at times as much as she supports me.

here however i rarely ASK for support. i have a few times. never got any. always felt like i wasn't one of the chosen few who rated a response (this going back some time) so honestly i rarely exposed any of my stuff on these (or this board) not worth my time. i don't mind offering insight tho.

my mindset is different from most of you i think. i look at things from a diifferent angle. i don't do the hugggy huggy kiss kiss thing. i offer real life stuff when i can. i break down your post & analyze it. what can be fixed here & now. what pattern are you repeating. that kind of stuff.

i guess people don't like that (it's the no fluff, no hug thing.)..i am not going to agree with everyone & make nice because that is what is expected. that's not going to help..

oh & i find humor in things..if i can get you to laugh that;'s half the battle..we can think & heal & laugh at the same time.

Me neither. if I could thimk of something to ask, I would, honest! I just don't have a life. I love your answers stumpy. but maybe like snoopdog said because they're the pricky kind?!

This. This is exactly what I want from this board. Thank you.

To me, support means agreeing!

just cuz there are hugs doesn't make them fake . just sayin'.