Do you talk about sex with your therapist?

I am so not about educating my therapist which is part of of why I am so glad I now have a lesbian T. ExT 50s straight woman asked me once, "What do you mean you're a top?" Okay, just go read a book, please. Talking about porn with her was painful.

I even remember telling her about an erotic art fair I attended. She seemed ok with the men in assless pants doing erotic needlepoint, but when I told her about the sexualized Christian paintings I bought there that I actually found very touching, she looked like she was gonna swallow her tongue. I struggled with some feelings of judgment after that. I know I wouldn't experience that with my current T.

I am perfectly okay discussing sex in general, and/or sex with my husband. My T seems a little uncomfortable with discussing that, and admitted he's pretty shy. I feel almost bad about the few times I've had a real issue and brought it up.

[Aside to Lola, I was discussing with an issue my husband was having for awhile and what I was doing to try to ummmm, help him along (unsuccessfully, which was screwing with my self image and making me feel really unattractive, which is why I was discussing it with my T in the first place) wait, where was I? Oh, yeah anyway, while I was describing the things I was trying, my T reacted in the way you are concerned about. We both ignored it at that moment and went on with the discussion, in a little less detail on my part. I did apologize at the end of the discussion for making him uncomfortable. He said he was sorry that I knew that it bothered him a little and it was his stuff to work on, not mine, and we needed to address the damage the issue was doing to me even though it was really my husband's issue. Was that too much rambling TMI stuff?]

When it comes to the CSA, however, I am completely inarticulate and can barely speak ANY of the words. In those sexual discussions, my T is completely at ease and completely . . . I don't even know the words. He has no discomfort during those discussions, seemingly. He sits really quietly (he was shifting his weight and really uncomfortable when we discussed my husband); he speaks really softly; he is very reassuring.

I even had a class in law school where the professor insisted we USE all of the legal terms for all of the sex acts that EXIST, and use the proper terms for all of the body parts OUT LOUD. And we had to do it over and over as a class until we could all do it without turning bright red, sweating, or stammering. Still cannot do it when it relates to what happened to me as a child.

MKAC, I can use all the proper terms, too, in a medical or scientific context. When it comes to describing the details of my CSA, I open my mouth and no words come out. My T is great and wants me to wait until talking about the details is just uncomfortable, not terrifying. Heaven knows when that will be. I dread saying the things I'll need to say.

On a first visit to a new T... I was talking about needing to deal with my anger related to my husband's porn addiction and its affect on our marriage. I told her things were so much better in our marriage (sex was on of those things) for the last couple of years and when I asked my H. about why it was better....He told me about the porn addiction that he hid from me for 20 years... I really haven't dealt with all those feelings yet...

Later in session when she was giving me examples of specific measurable goals... she used the example I would like to work up to having sex with my husband 2 times a month...

I almost laughed... guess she assumes I'm angry that must mean I'm not having sex with my husband. Makes me feel funny to say yeah I"m pissed he lied to me...kept secrets... let me think a lot of the problems in our marriage were my fault...etc... but oh yeah...I like sex too much to stop doing it over that...

The therapist has said I sound like a detached robot when I talk about csa. I think she has a bit of a tendency towards exaggeration.

What's CSA?

Childhood sexual abuse.

stopdog--i can see your T's point. you must admit that the CSA HAD to have effected you, and they are life-long effects, unless you got help and were supported by close family members right after, which i have a feeling you didn't. the fact that you sound like a robot when you talk about it is probably because you are so dissociated from the feelings, because that is how you learned to survive the pain of it.

My T seems very open and comfortable talking about sex. (T is male aged 42, I'm female aged 37).....But I am not comfortable at all talking about it.

Although, he knows about the csa's....and I've talked about not wanting to be touched. He knows that I have a bunch of...ahem...toys...because I told him that I've gone to toy parties and was angry that my ex-husband took some of my expensive ones...

He also knew that my ex-husband was very sexual...and that we had sex very frequently...but that I was merely an object to satisfy his needs, etc.

So, I guess we really have talked about sex....but it doesn't seem like it, because I'm still horrified by the idea of talking to him about it. Go figure.

I don't mean to split semantic hairs here. Maybe there really might be a substantive difference between what you were talking with your T about and talking about sex. You might use similar vocabulary but the matter of what you were talking about sounds like abuse and power games where sex was the medium.

I think there's a real difference between those kinds of conversations and ones where you're talking about your sexual self and desires and needs. Those are the kinds of conversations I think of as having sex per se as the subject. Certainly abuse can affect that self and those desires and needs.

Maybe I'm just pointing out in a long winded way that there's a huge difference in therapeutic conversations about wanted vs. unwanted sexual experiences. Maybe some people would feel more comfortable (or less uncomfortable) with one rather than the other. It would be interesting to think about the reasons behind the differing comfort levels, e.g. believing one merits therapist attention and the other does not etc.

Just an idea.

Very good point, Snuffleupagus....And you're absolutely right. My wants/needs around sex...and my specific issues surrounding sexual touch...are definitely more difficult for me to address in therapy.

Yeah, that's really interesting. Do you feel like you have a handle on why that is? Maybe I should start a new thread?
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Hmm. Good question. I don't know why. I just know that I feel incredibly embarrassed. It's certainly something worth exploring. I'd love some insight from others!

Yes I talk about sex with my therapist. It has come up several times. It's a little awkward to talk to her about it, I guess.

As a therapist talking about sex doesn't bother me at all. There have been a few clients who have circled around it, and I have come out and said "Ok, so I know you have brought this up here and there, and it's important, so next session our focus will be on talking about sex, questions, concerns, etc surrounding it. If it makes it easier to write things out, please do that."

my thoughts are that relationships and intimacy go hand to hand; as so does sex. there is a larger cultural norm out there that we don't talk about sex, yet we see it everywhere But i think in terms of talking about sex would be difficult because it is a very difficult subject! We all have these societal norms that sex stays private with the people you love So you are just supposed to talk about it to someone you don't know? I think in T's defense, they get training on how to deal with sexual issues when they come up in therapy.
i hope my t will be exactly like yours if i am ever able to get to that topic. last week i was a mess because we talked about fear and how i am afraid of intimacy/relationships. That was the conversation. That took SO MUCH OUT OF ME. So you may see, how on earth can anybody just do it? How would you know if your T is okay talking about sex? uhgggh that thought just made me shiver.

I made an honest attempt to look that up (http://www.afterellen.com/2011/03/th...mn-18?page=0,2) but I couldn't find it.

Keep looking. I have faith in you. It's a big, broad internet.

It's a big broad Internet alright!

Even I'm kinda confused on what's going on... wha? What are looking for? O_O

I'm trying to find out what Snuffleupagus means when she says she's a "top".

Nothing specifically lesbian here: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=top

Nope, not here: http://www.eurekaencyclopedia.com/in...ry:Lesbian_Sex

Clearly Snuff is dominant in some way, but what does dominant mean in a lesbian context? Are we talking about strap-ons? The male homosexual meaning is very explicit.

The only time we ever spoke about sex was in the initial interview when she asked the mandatory questions. I said "not interested" (I am a heteroromantic asexual) and she got all offended for some reason, but it was never spoken about again! And thank god for that, because I couldn't think of a more akward topic to speak about during therapy.

We occasionally talk about sex in a super awkward way. My T knows that I have a weird crush on him, so I think that complicates things.

A few sessions ago, I explained that I'm sick of pretending to want to be married to my H, and my H wants more frequent sex (more than twice a week). My T sat up in his chair and said, "Well, why are you still having sex with him?!?!" in this kind of angry way. I was surprised by T's response, but somewhat encouraged by it.

My T is male, 40, I'm female, 58. We talk about sex very openly, honestly and bluntly. He has a way of making it very easy for me to open up without it being embarrassing or shameful. And since I have a history of SA, it's very difficult for me. But he's very skillful and gentle, so no question or topic is off limits.

CE: check out one of my favorite bloggers at http://www.sugarbutch.net/

(I'm shocked that my work net nanny let me go to that site in order to get the address. Maybe nanny is napping).

I try to talk with my T about sex, but usually end up feeling so overwhelmed that I can't sustain the conversation for very long. It's one of my primary issues, which makes the whole thing problematic.