Reunited after Eight Weeks

CantExplain · Mar 28, 2012, 05:44 PM

Saw my T today for the first time in eight weeks. I wanted to hug her straight away, but she said, let’s get into the room first. A curious policy, but I got my hug. She was wearing a green cardigan over a grey dress.

I said I had made some notes during her absence, but I wasn’t going to use them today. Instead, I was going to enjoy being with her again. I spent several minutes over the course of the session with my eyes closed, just soaking up the love.

I had missed her but I didn’t start obsessing until a week or so ago. I had sent her big bunch of pink flowers over the internet. She said they were the most amazing flowers she had ever seen. Her email had spoken of “soft creams and apricots and the occasional bunch of blackberries”. Real blackberries, apparently. She obvious spent a lot more time on those flowers than I did! A connoisseuse.

I had learned a few things about myself while she was away. There is no substitute for seeing her in person. Sending her flowers and even receiving her email were disappointing in comparison. I realise now, that in sending her emails (when I was allowed to), I was only hurting myself. She said that I had learned something about deferred gratification.

In past breaks, there was always the fear that starting up again would merely bring more pain. There was a part of me that would have been quite pleased never to see her again. To look forward in joyful and loving anticipation (how Christian that sounds!) was a new experience for me. To love without hating was a big risk.

I told her I had realised that I didn’t mind being vulnerable and dependent with her.

I said, I have found my happy ending. There is nothing left but for T and me to live happily ever after.

I told her what I’d seen on PC. What Ts look for in a patient is motivation, open-mindedness and introspection. Given that I had those qualities, why was my journey so long and difficult?

It must have been my scientific, rational approach. I had deliberately neglected my emotional life, so there was no way my T could explain the process in words that I could understand. It was like trying to describe colour to a blind man.

Ultimately, all she could say is, “You’re going to have to trust me.” A complete stranger (blank slate, remember?) assuring me that the real and present pain would be worth it in the long run in ways I wouldn’t understand until I got there.

This went dead against my nature and experience. Believe nothing unproven! Yet the pain that brought me here was even worse than the pain of therapy, and I had run out of ideas. Somehow she won my trust.

We talked about words. How therapy is dependent on words, yet we cannot remember accurately what we said and what was said to us. She said she wished she had taped this session because I had expressed myself so clearly. All she can take away is the meaning and how I made her feel. I said, "What I see makes a much bigger, deeper, more lasting impression. The biggest thing I remember is seeing the tears in your eyes. That was worth two years of hearing you say, I love you." She agreed.

I said I owed her an apology and a compliment. I am ashamed to say that I did not at first form a very high opinion of her intelligence. (Part of this is my analytical intelligence’s contempt for emotion intelligence.) But over the years I had grown to respect her brainpower and she was now my number one intellectual sparring partner.

Later in the session, I got a sudden impulse. I asked to see her tattoo! Not so fast! You have to pay to see that tattoo. You have to work out why you want to see it. We finally agreed that I had a childish curiosity and also a teenage boy’s desire to see as far up her leg as possible. We also talked about why she would ever want to let me see it. Then the time ran out.

mcl6136 · Mar 28, 2012, 05:47 PM

You slay me!

I take back my question about why I post here, hang out here....

This is why!

this kind of stuff is why!

Blessings,

MCL

SpiritRunner · Mar 28, 2012, 05:50 PM

wow, cool, great post!

unaluna · Mar 28, 2012, 06:08 PM

I can't wait for the next session, when she tells you how much you've changed these past 8 weeks! awesome post! you really do sound different.

likelife · Mar 28, 2012, 06:41 PM

What a fantastic reunion!

stopdog · Mar 28, 2012, 06:58 PM

I am glad she is back for you.

granite1 · Mar 28, 2012, 07:07 PM

wow i didn't even knoww she was away .what a good reunion?were you scared to see her after so long?i'm glad it went well.

CantExplain · 09:46 PM

Some extra fragments:

I've climbed my mountain and now I'm enjoying the view from the top. I'm a good mountain climber but enjoying the view is a new thing.

I said, my body tells me I'm afraid. She said, good, I'm glad you can feel that. We tried to work out what I was afraid of. I think I was afraid I would say the wrong thing and wreck the beautiful moment we were having. "Do you think you can make it last forever?" she asked. "No, but it doesn't seem impossible that I could keep it up for the next half hour."

When I started with T, I wanted more than she could ever give. I wanted compensation for my past sufferings.

Some things I wanted, I knew were impossible, eg T adopting me. I knew that was just fantasy. But there were others that seemed reasonable. Why shouldn't T hug me more often? Why shouldn't I come in through the front door? I was slow to accept that these weren't going to happen. And it was easier to see what I was denied than to see what I had been given.

Chopin99 · Mar 28, 2012, 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Some extra fragments:

I've climbed my mountain and now I'm enjoying the view from the top. I'm a good mountain climber but enjoying the view is a new thing.

When I started with T, I wanted more than she could ever give. I wanted compensation for the my past sufferings.

Some things I wanted, I knew were impossible, eg T adopting me. I knew that was just fantasy. But there were others that seemed reasonable. Why shouldn't T hug me more often? Why shouldn't I come in through the front door? I was slow to accept that these weren't going to happen. And it was easier to see what I was denied than to see what I had been given.

Why can't you come in through the front door?

CantExplain · Mar 28, 2012, 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

I can't wait for the next session, when she tells you how much you've changed these past 8 weeks! awesome post! you really do sound different.

Really?

Maybe I was just "loved-up". Which means I'm still dependent on her.

CantExplain · Mar 28, 2012, 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Why can't you come in through the front door?

It's a boundary. Patients enter her house through the back door.

I used to be really mad about this. I felt second-class.

Now I see it less as an insult and more as an eccentricity. That's the way you like it T? I'm cool with that. And if you want to wear your knickers on your head, that's cool too.

Chopin99 · Mar 28, 2012, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

It's a boundary. Patients enter her house through the back door.

I used to be really mad about this. I felt second-class.

Now I see it less as an insult and more as an eccentricity. That's the way you like it T? I'm cool with that. And if you want to wear your knickers on your head, that's cool too.

Hehe...I'm trying to picture your T with her underwear on her head!

I forgot your T practices from her home. I'd actually be embarrassed if I was a T letting in clients in my back door. Right now, it's broken and we don't quite have enough money to fix it!

To get to my T, I have to park my car in the lot, walk to the front door, go up two flights of stairs, turn right, and go into the waiting room to wait for her to come out and say, "Chopin, you ready?"

Not really, T, not really!

CantExplain · Mar 29, 2012, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

I can't wait for the next session, when she tells you how much you've changed these past 8 weeks! awesome post! you really do sound different.

In what way am I different?
And did I grow over the past eight weeks or did I just perk up when she came back?

Mar 29, 2012, 02:01 PM

CE, where I live, out in the boondocks, friends and family come in through the back.

unaluna · Mar 29, 2012, 02:25 PM

Dependent, shmependent! You sound taller! Seriously, you sound calmer and more assertive, more sure of yourself. Part of it might be attributed to just not being under the stress of therapy, so we finally get to use the muscles we've been building without them being sore all the time.