[WikidPissah]

Had a difficult session today that left me with therapy head. It's kind of like bed head only a spritz bottle won't help it.

First off...he wasn't late...first time ever (prior client must have canceled). So I had no springboard into discussing how the tardiness effects me. I was totally irritated when I got there. I stopped a med last week on my own (yea, I know my fault so I deserve the mood issue). I got thru a couple of opening questions then started bawling. I have only teared up in T once. He started talking about my cycle of moods and meds. No wonder I feel like I'm running in circles. I really want help, honestly...and I try so friggen hard, but the meds make me gain weight and dumb me down a bit. He tried to be nice but I know he's pissed off. Christ, can you blame him? I don't know what the crap I am doing anymore, but it's like he has no idea either. Why do I keep being so self destructive???? You would think he would have helped me figure that out by now. He begged me for eye contact and I couldn't do it because I am so ashamed. So he phoned hubby after session to tattle on me. I feel like crap. I hate therapy.

[likelife]

Therapy head made me smile.

It's so hard to be on the meds hamster wheel. You want to feel better, and the meds do, but they also make you feel worse too, with all of the side effects.

Do you think it's possible that some of the anger you read in him is your own anger? I only ask because I'm guilty of it all the time.

Shame is such a tough thing to get around. If you can't look at your T, that's ok. Be gentle with yourself, ok?

[CantExplain]

It's easy to say "take your meds", just like it's easy to say "count your calories" or "stay off the booze". Not so easy to do it.

I'm sorry to say I haven't always been sympathetic to people who stopped their meds, but I'm still learning.

So he phoned hubby after session to tattle on me.

He did WHAT? If a therapist did that without your consent they'd lose their licence, in this country. And regardless of what the law may say, that's unacceptable in my book. I'm really sorry to hear it was so rough.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by likelife

Do you think it's possible that some of the anger you read in him is your own anger? I only ask because I'm guilty of it all the time.

Shame is such a tough thing to get around. If you can't look at your T, that's ok. Be gentle with yourself, ok?

Yes it's possible it's my own anger. I guess beneath all the self hatred and shame there may be some anger lurking around.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

It's easy to say "take your meds", just like it's easy to say "count your calories" or "stay off the booze". Not so easy to do it.

I'm sorry to say I haven't always been sympathetic to people who stopped their meds, but I'm still learning.

I absolutely hate who I am on meds. I have very low self esteem to begin with, and it just plummets on the meds.

Originally Posted by Apteryx

He did WHAT? If a therapist did that without your consent they'd lose their licence, in this country. And regardless of what the law may say, that's unacceptable in my book. I'm really sorry to hear it was so rough.

We made a contract along time ago that if he thought I was in danger he would notify my H instead of sectioning me. In turn H keeps a close eye on me.

[Sannah]

Can you visualize how you would have wanted the session to go?

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

We made a contract along time ago that if he thought I was in danger he would notify my H instead of sectioning me. In turn H keeps a close eye on me.

Oh, I see. Sorry if I overreacted.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Had a difficult session today that left me with therapy head. It's kind of like bed head only a spritz bottle won't help it.

First off...he wasn't late...first time ever (prior client must have canceled). So I had no springboard into discussing how the tardiness effects me. I was totally irritated when I got there. I stopped a med last week on my own (yea, I know my fault so I deserve the mood issue). I got thru a couple of opening questions then started bawling. I have only teared up in T once. He started talking about my cycle of moods and meds. No wonder I feel like I'm running in circles. I really want help, honestly...and I try so friggen hard, but the meds make me gain weight and dumb me down a bit. He tried to be nice but I know he's pissed off. Christ, can you blame him? I don't know what the crap I am doing anymore, but it's like he has no idea either. Why do I keep being so self destructive???? You would think he would have helped me figure that out by now. He begged me for eye contact and I couldn't do it because I am so ashamed. So he phoned hubby after session to tattle on me. I feel like crap. I hate therapy.

I love this whole summary! I love the humor you started with (therapy head) and the insight (dumb to stop taking meds but problems with taking them too) and just the whole "summary" of how it went. I feel like you have learned quite a bit about yourself and, if you can work on the "self destructive" blame game -- okay, you made a mistake stopping the meds and you know it but you also have very valid points about how the med affects you negatively; work with that instead of just assigning the blame to yourself and "stopping".

Talk to your pdoc, join a gym to see if that will help with the weight gain, realize that his tardiness doesn't have to be every/this time for you to talk about how it affects you when he is late, get angry at "you would think he would have helped me by now". . . that he hasn't and work with him to come up with a plan how he can help (by his being on time, to start with :-) You have uncovered all sorts of things to do with your situation besides just be ashamed?

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Can you visualize how you would have wanted the session to go?

Me going in calmly and telling him to straighten up. stop being late and start helping. Instead I bawl.

Originally Posted by Perna

Talk to your pdoc, join a gym to see if that will help with the weight gain, realize that his tardiness doesn't have to be every/this time for you to talk about how it affects you when he is late, get angry at "you would think he would have helped me by now". . . that he hasn't and work with him to come up with a plan how he can help (by his being on time, to start with :-) You have uncovered all sorts of things to do with your situation besides just be ashamed?

You're right perna...there is a lot there to look at. BTW I gym it everyday, but I still gain weight on meds....PDOC is useless so I am looking for another.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Me going in calmly and telling him to straighten up. stop being late and start helping. Instead I bawl.

There is always next week for you to set him straight. Perhaps you go in with that song Straighten Up and Fly Right in your head.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Me going in calmly and telling him to straighten up. stop being late and start helping. Instead I bawl.

What will it take for you to tell him what you need?

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I got thru a couple of opening questions then started bawling. I have only teared up in T once. He started talking about my cycle of moods and meds.

I think a rare show of tears in therapy deserves something different than a lecture on meds! Good for you that you were able to show frustration, low mood, anger, sorrow, irritation or whatever with some tears. I'm sorry your T didn't show some empathy, provide an emotional holding, normalize your tears--all those good things Ts can do.

Not too long ago I burst into tears in therapy and this is not usual for me at all--I am usually more of a quiet crier. Looking back, I think it was a great attempt to communicate with T--something is wrong here, what you are doing is not helping me, help! Just pure expression of feeling. Very effective communication. Sometimes a few tears are worth a sessionful of words. My T definitely took notice and responded.

WikidPissah, often when a med is stopped, there is a period of adjustment and the first week or two can feel different--perhaps more moody, destabilized, etc.--so your feeling irritable may just be an expected consequence. With more time, you may feel better. In any case, I think that finding a new pdoc is a good direction, so I'm really glad you are looking. A pdoc should listen to concerns about weight gain and feeling "dumbed down" and not just keep you on the same meds if those are enduring problems. Can your T give you some names of pdocs he thinks are good?