[Hope-Full]

I have an intense desire to contact one of my previous Ts to apologize for abruptly leaving and not returning.

I've seen six Ts in my adult(ish) life (including the one I saw in my late teens) and this is the only T I don't feel that I ended well with. The first T terminated when she moved out of the country, and while I wasn't happy with that, there was closure. I ended gracefully with another T, and could call her any time if I ever needed, even years after the fact. Two other Ts also ended amicably, and I have no "lose ends" so to speak.

Except for this one. I saw her for about a year, twice a week, and was majorly attached. She's the only T that I was ever allowed to email, which helped the attachment grow. Unfortunately, she started behaving unprofessionally, and I got fed up with her. Instead of handling it well and addressing it, I just started cancelling and then never rescheduled. Very unresolved.

I don't know what is up that now, when I'm with an incredible T who I adore and have no issues with (I can talk about anything, and have brought up "uncomfortable" topics before- including discussing my attachment to her and my neediness. But I still feel compelled to reach out to and apologize to that other T....

Anyone ever done this before? Success? More heartache? Anyone have a clue what is going on in my head?!

[Perna]

I'd discuss this with your current T; how long have you felt this way? Maybe something happened with your current T that triggered the feeling? I know that after someone dies or after an argument, we suddenly think of all the things we wish we had said.

I would write an email to her, since you have her address and she allowed email. I would not necessarily expect a reply (I remember the first time I terminated with my T because I moved too far away, I kept sending her poems and pictures and news (of my wedding), etc. but did not receive any reply. However, when I contacted her again, 9 years later, we got together again and worked together a second time.

But I would discuss the situation with your T, the desire to feel better yourself, perhaps at someone else's expense? If that T has "gotten over" your abrupt leaving and not returning, I think would be just as rude to bring it up again, so you can feel better, as it might have felt to not terminate gracefully in the first place. We don't get do-overs in life; we can only work with what we have, "now". Sometimes that means facing that we made mistakes or acted badly and learning to deal with that.

[Hope-Full]

Originally Posted by Perna

If that T has "gotten over" your abrupt leaving and not returning, I think would be just as rude to bring it up again, so you can feel better, as it might have felt to not terminate gracefully in the first place. We don't get do-overs in life; we can only work with what we have, "now". Sometimes that means facing that we made mistakes or acted badly and learning to deal with that.

Very interesting perspective Perna. I hadn't thought of that. Yes, my motive is rather selfish, I suppose. I want to apologize because I now know better ways to handle things rather than to disappear, and I wasn't fair to that T to do so all those years ago.

I do plan to discuss it with my T, if the thoughts continue to pester me. I did recently have someone on my medical team take a long-term leave, and maybe that has triggered this desire to reconnect and apologize to old T. Interesting...

[SpiritRunner]

I agree with Perna.....I'd talk to current T and see what may be underneath the surface that is causing this to come up. In any case, I think it's fairly normal to want to make amends or tie up loose ends where we feel there are loose ends.....for peace of mind or whatever reason.

Perna raises an interesting point, but I don't know that it would be 'rude to bring it up again'... I guess I don't see it that way. I've read several articles on the internet, by Ts, where the T has expressed hurt at the way some of their clients have left them abruptly - the T is left wondering what they did/what they could have done, they have all these unresolved feelings... I think it might be good closure for your old T as well as yourself if you were to write and explain what was happening for you at that time, apologise if you feel you'd like to, etc.. Maybe she's still carrying it around like you are.

I would definitely talk to your new T about it though - I'm sure she's in a much better position to advise! Maybe ask her how she'd feel if an old client who'd terminated therapy in similar circumstances were to contact her again - if it would make her feel better/resolve things/bring closure, or just stir up old hurt. Try and get her to help you figure out if you want to do this for the right reasons?

[stopdog]

I don't think a client needs to worry about fairness to therapists. That is one of the reasons you pay them. If the therapist is upset, then they get to go back to therapy themselves.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think a client needs to worry about fairness to therapists. That is one of the reasons you pay them. If the therapist is upset, then they get to go back to therapy themselves.

I see what you're saying, and I don't think we should have to worry about them... but, at the end of the day they are humans too. I don't think Hope-Full owes her old therapist anything - yup, she did a job and she got paid, and she can work through her own issues with her own T - but closure may still be a good thing. A nice thing. Ya know, a nod...

[unaluna]

There is no law that says you CAN'T treat a therapist like a human being. Stopdog, what IS it with you and money? Does it excuse ANY kind of rude behavior? Is this because of all the lawyer jokes?! When did therapists become the lowest rung on the ladder of humanity? Impervious to the slings and arrows of whatever? If you prick them, do they not bleed? etc etc

[stopdog]

I am not saying they may not be human - perhaps they are, but the exchange of money for their time and focus on the client is the bargain. It is not particularly natural, but there it is. They set it up like that. The client does not take care of the therapist. The client PAYS the therapist. I am not saying go out of your way to be rude or mean, just stop worrying about them and give them credit for being able to take care (or get care) of themselves.

If someone wants closure for themselves, then have at it. Just not for the therapist.

[Hope-Full]

I don't know.... I like to hold close the line "You pay your therapist to listen, but you don't pay them to care." I know that all of my therapists provide a service to me because I pay them to do so. But none of them are paid to care, and in particular with this T, she wasn't paid to read and reply to my emails. The fact that I dropped this T with no notice, no explanation, and no respectful anything, is not exactly something I am proud of. Yes, I was angry with her and didn't want to tell her because I thought I would hurt her feelings, so I just left instead.

Now that I know better, I do want to apologize. I don't want anything else from her - not like I want to go back and have a closure session or anything, I just want to apologize for my actions. I wouldn't expect a reply back, either. As a friend says, keep your side of the street clean. I feel like apologizing is the only way I can do that, and finally bring closure to something that has been on my mind for a few years now.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Hope-Full

I don't know.... I like to hold close the line "You pay your therapist to listen, but you don't pay them to care." I know that all of my therapists provide a service to me because I pay them to do so. But none of them are paid to care, and in particular with this T, she wasn't paid to read and reply to my emails. The fact that I dropped this T with no notice, no explanation, and no respectful anything, is not exactly something I am proud of. Yes, I was angry with her and didn't want to tell her because I thought I would hurt her feelings, so I just left instead.

Now that I know better, I do want to apologize. I don't want anything else from her - not like I want to go back and have a closure session or anything, I just want to apologize for my actions. I wouldn't expect a reply back, either. As a friend says, keep your side of the street clean. I feel like apologizing is the only way I can do that, and finally bring closure to something that has been on my mind for a few years now.

If you really do not want anything from her and you think it would ease your concious then why not write her a note and mail it?

[Hope-Full]

If you really do not want anything from her and you think it would ease your concious then why not write her a note and mail it?

That is definitely an option, too, and one that I'm not opposed to at all. I have hesitated in bringing this up with my T because there are other issues going on that require more immediate attention. However, this idea of contacting old T has not strayed from my mind. It isn't helped by the fact that once or twice a week I drive by old Ts building, and know she still works there.

I'm wondering if this has been stirred up by the fact that one of my support people went on a long-term leave, and she is someone I am very attached to. While she's on leave, I am to have no contact whatsoever. I think that part of me feels like what I did with old T is the same situation as now, only in reverse. In the current case, I was the person who was left. In the previous case, I was the person doing the leaving. Now that I know how bad being left feels, I want to acknowledge my actions and apologize.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Hope-Full

I'm wondering if this has been stirred up by the fact that one of my support people went on a long-term leave, and she is someone I am very attached to. While she's on leave, I am to have no contact whatsoever. I think that part of me feels like what I did with old T is the same situation as now, only in reverse. In the current case, I was the person who was left. In the previous case, I was the person doing the leaving. Now that I know how bad being left feels, I want to acknowledge my actions and apologize.

If it would help more than hurt, what is the harm?
But I still think there is a difference in the client losing the support person and the therapist losing a client. I generally do not believe therapists are hurt by clients and if they are, they manage it and go on. A client leaving a therapist is not the same as the client being left by the therapist or other support persons. The therapist has moved on.

[unaluna]

well and teachers are paid to teach. this sounds like a similar thing, the T might like to hear that even while you were doing it you felt funny, and that now her "student" did turn out alright and is kinda sorry or grateful or whatever. it's a good notch on her belt rather than one that got away.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by hankster

well and teachers are paid to teach. this sounds like a similar thing, the T might like to hear that even while you were doing it you felt funny, and that now her "student" did turn out alright and is kinda sorry or grateful or whatever. it's a good notch on her belt rather than one that got away.

I agree it is nice to get a letter from a former student letting you know they finally get what you were saying or are thriving or whatever. I was just trying to express that I believe the therapist is not losing sleep over the client leaving just like I don't lose sleep if a client goes to another attorney or a student chooses another class over mine etc. Frankly I don't often remember even the ones who have actively and openly disliked me.

Hope-Full, I do believe that any person who works to teach, mentor, care for in an emotional or physical way, appreciates hearing when one of their "students/clients/patients" has grown or gained insight into their journey to develop as a human being. I know that I love seeing my young clients years later as adults, and when one contacts me years later to talk about their lives now and perhaps comment on something that I might have said or done in my work with them that meant something important to them, makes me feel appreciated and proud. Just seeing them or hearing from them, gives me warmth and closure. It doesn't happen often, but it is valuable to me and I know that they get a kick out of that contact too.

I think it's a great thing to discuss with your current therapist and if you decide it is something that will bring you closure and peace of mind, then I say go for it!

PS: I even love hearing from them about what I didn't "get" right. Believe me, I've had more than a few chuckles with a couple of my former clients years later, talking about my stumbles along the way to reaching them! One happened in the aisle of Wal Mart as her two little ones ran around pulling clothes off the racks. It was nice to see how calm and gentle she was with the little guys

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

One happened in the aisle of Wal Mart as her two little ones ran around pulling clothes off the racks. It was nice to see how calm and gentle she was with the little guys

I have mentioned my neighbor that I have had a crush on for 20 years - I "fell in love" as I listened to him talking to his little daughter in the elevator, gently explaining why she couldn't have a dog. I love moments like that.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think a client needs to worry about fairness to therapists. That is one of the reasons you pay them. If the therapist is upset, then they get to go back to therapy themselves.

And for that very reason, if the patient feels a need to apologise, she needn't worry about the effect on the T.