I get really frustrated with myself in therapy. I seem to be unable to really internalize certain things my therapist keeps saying. I know how much it ticks me off to have to repeat myself, so I get angry with myself when it seems like I am making him repeat himself. I'm really pretty intelligent. I can remember things after reading them once. What is WRONG with me? Am I emotionally stupid?

How about you guys? Does this happen to anyone else?

[lostmyway21]

I make my T repeat himself a million times, then I beat myself up for it.

[Perna]

I think we internalize the things when we "get it" and that can take words being said/put together in many ways. Think about when you were learning math in elementary school and some principles were easy for you and some took longer for you to get? Your teacher did not get angry having to repeat, try to help you understand; she mostly got enjoyment when you got that "Aha!" look on your face? T's like that I think.

[granite1]

i think that maybe in therapy things are so charged and so much is running through your head that it can be hard to take in all at once .and there is a big difference between knowing something someone tells you and internalizing it

Originally Posted by Perna

I think we internalize the things when we "get it" and that can take words being said/put together in many ways. Think about when you were learning math in elementary school and some principles were easy for you and some took longer for you to get? Your teacher did not get angry having to repeat, try to help you understand; she mostly got enjoyment when you got that "Aha!" look on your face? T's like that I think.

Maybe that's part of it for me, Perna. I GOT everything pretty much immediately. I was busy doing the worksheet while the teacher was still explaining to the rest of the class. I learned FAST, always, since I can remember. Very, very rarely did anyone have to repeat themselves to me. On the rare occasion when my parents had to repeat themselves, they got enraged and sometimes beat me. Even now, my children, husbands and clients get annoyed at me because I can repeat, almost verbatim, things they have said to me. Why is therapy so different?

[FourRedheads]

Yes, just today T brought up the csa and I told her I was afraid she would hate me and figure out how disgusting I am. This is a fear we have discussed several times. T told me (again) I can't say anything that will make her hate me. I think she has to say this every week and I just can't internalize her words.

[Perna]

Therapy isn't based on head knowledge (or memory). Yes, I have the memory thing too and "know" everything from my extensive reading (use to read 5+ books a week). But, "the map is not the territory". I can draw you the map, with my eyes closed no less, but get to the actual emotional landscape and somehow the whole thing looks very foreign!

It's a perception thing and you can't "learn" perception out of a book/from words, no way T can say, pointing, "See that tree over there? Walk due west 25 feet and you'll find a big, flat, rock you can sit on to rest." The reason? It's your landscape and other people are blind to it; we have to say, "Hey, there's a big tree, what do I do with it?" and T replies, "Well, you could use it as a visual center, walk out from it in all directions a certain number of feet and see what you find"; and we get out somewhere east of that tree and find another tree and say, "Wait, here's another prettier tree :-) what am I supposed to be doing? Do I go back to the other tree or switch to this prettier one?" We don't quite understand why we are working on going out an equal distance from the first tree only and why "any" tree won't do.

How about management classes where you had a group exercise where a member is blindfolded and everyone else is supposed to work together to help him "build" a simple item, blindfolded (someone builds the prototype, someone writes down the steps, someone is in charge of being the "voice" to guide him, tell him what to do, correct him, etc.)?

[stopdog]

I find the repetition soothing. Sometimes I ask a question just to get the same answer. I do tell them I am doing it for that reason.

[pbutton]

Wow, right there with you on being the one who was working on the worksheet while the teacher was still explaining.

You're not just learning something new. You're redesigning your brain & changing out the old wiring. That takes longer. You have to tear down the old structure before you can rebuild. Have you ever removed wallpaper before painting a room? It's sort of like that.

I have to hear things dozens upon dozens upon dozens of times. I don't know why. I feel pretty stupid about it, but I am actually really intelligent--just not when it comes to emotional stuff. I don't think you're emotionally stupid. You're just learning something new. It takes things time to sink in.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

How about you guys? Does this happen to anyone else?

Absolutely. I think I read somewhere that we may have to hear something 7 times before it penetrates our brains. I think there are times I've gotten something right off, but more often than not, especially when it's something hard or new or alien, I have to hear it multiple times. Don't beat yourself up about it! Brains can't be rewired in a day.

[black or white]

Hi there - I've been reading this forum for a long time now, but it was this post that finally got me to join. I had a session with my T yesterday where we were talking about transference. Every time the subject comes up I get angry when T tries to bring the conversation around to my father. It happened again yesterday and I said "i don't undertand. You keep telling me the same thing and I don't understand. I've read everything I can on transference and I DON"T UNDERSTAND". He told me that it was because it wasn't logical. It wasn't my logical brain that was going to figure it out. All of those transference feelings were happening in my unconscious and only when I stopped trying to protect myself against those feelings would I be able to working through them.
I'm smart. I'm logical. None of that matters when it comes to my feelings. I still can't tell if I'm angry or sad half the time. 3 yrs of therapy, I haven't read anything but psych books since I started, and I still can't figure out if I'm sad or angry.
One thing I do know is that my T is probably going to have to tell me the same thing again the next time the subject of transference comes up

[likelife]

I feel the same way, and it drives me crazy. I know I've heard the things my T tells me many, many times before, but it's as if I don't actually believe them. I get worried that she'll get sick of me wanting her to repeat herself.

Stopdog, I like your tactic of just saying that you find it soothing. Something to try.

[BonnieJean]

I need to hear what t says over and over. Sometimes I ask her to 'tell me again about...' I can already remember the words she used when she said it before but I have to hear it again. Some times I backtrack to past sessions and request 'reruns.'

This last session, I did use the "tell me again" phrase. I wanted him to tell me again what happens if he gets angry at me. I wanted reassurance that the gross stuff about me doesn't get thrown in my face later.

[sconnie892]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I get really frustrated with myself in therapy. I seem to be unable to really internalize certain things my therapist keeps saying. I know how much it ticks me off to have to repeat myself, so I get angry with myself when it seems like I am making him repeat himself. I'm really pretty intelligent. I can remember things after reading them once. What is WRONG with me? Am I emotionally stupid?

How about you guys? Does this happen to anyone else?

You're not emotionally stupid. I have the same issue in therapy. IRL I never have to ask people to repeat a question. In t I have to ask all the time, "What was your question?" Or even though I hear what t is saying I couldn't repeat it back to her. I understand the frustrated feeling.

[stopdog]

In real life I will ask people to repeat stuff because I often just don't listen. Too many words and it seems any number of people simply cannot get to the point. It is a gamble but often it will not come up so my gamble pays off. I can not listen and others do not know, but if pressed and unable to do anything else, I just ask and take the lumps.

[SallyBrown]

Yeah, this is me. Right down to the "getting it" intellectually really fast, but "getting it" emotionally... that takes time.

My T and I have had a lot of struggle surrounding what "reassurance" is to me, and a lot of conversations about what it takes for me to internalize positive feelings that other people have about me. Of course, a lot of it has to do with how I feel about myself, and that's pretty much always something we're going to work on. That's kind of a given. But for what the other person can do, repetition helps me A LOT. If someone is willing to say something over and over again every time I start slipping into doubt, that really cements my trust in them. Or, I should say, it WOULD really cement my trust in them, because most of my experience has been the opposite.

So now, sometimes when he says something really kind, I might say, "I'm trying really hard to believe you," and he will say, "Well, I will say it as many times as it takes until you do." It helps me a great deal.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I get really frustrated with myself in therapy. I seem to be unable to really internalize certain things my therapist keeps saying. I know how much it ticks me off to have to repeat myself, so I get angry with myself when it seems like I am making him repeat himself. I'm really pretty intelligent. I can remember things after reading them once. What is WRONG with me? Am I emotionally stupid?

How about you guys? Does this happen to anyone else?

It happens to me. I happen to know I'm not stupid, so you're probably not stupid either.

It's a form of resistance. What the subconscious mind doesn't want to hear, the conscious mind cannot remember, and very often won't even understand. That's my theory.

I am making a serious effort to understand what my T is trying to say, but I just don't get it.

Tell your T that your are listening but you're encountering subconscious resistance.

I don't know what happens next.

[critterlady]

For me, it's because I find it very difficult to change the thinking and feeling of 4 decades overnight, from one conversation. My T has had to tell me multiple times that what happened when I was 13 was not my fault or responsibility, but because I was convinced it was for 40 years, it takes more than just a couple of assertions otherwise to change how I feel about it. I know intellectually that he's right, but I still don't feel it 100%. T has told me that he'll say it as many times as it takes for me to truly believe it and that it's perfectly okay for it to take a while.

Yeah, sometimes things just don't sink in. Other times, she'll tell me something, but it just goes over my head, then a few months later when I have a better understanding it'll come up again and I'll be like "ohhhhh. THAT's what you meant."

I think CantExplain is on to something with 'subconscious resistance' - sometimes we're maybe just not ready to really HEAR something...

Originally Posted by black or white

Hi there - I've been reading this forum for a long time now, but it was this post that finally got me to join. I had a session with my T yesterday where we were talking about transference. Every time the subject comes up I get angry when T tries to bring the conversation around to my father. It happened again yesterday and I said "i don't undertand. You keep telling me the same thing and I don't understand. I've read everything I can on transference and I DON"T UNDERSTAND". He told me that it was because it wasn't logical. It wasn't my logical brain that was going to figure it out. All of those transference feelings were happening in my unconscious and only when I stopped trying to protect myself against those feelings would I be able to working through them.
I'm smart. I'm logical. None of that matters when it comes to my feelings. I still can't tell if I'm angry or sad half the time. 3 yrs of therapy, I haven't read anything but psych books since I started, and I still can't figure out if I'm sad or angry.
One thing I do know is that my T is probably going to have to tell me the same thing again the next time the subject of transference comes up

Wow! I'm really honored something I posted got you to join in! I had to wait to reply to people until I was on an actual computer and not my iphone. Too cheap to buy the app for that. LOL.

I really appreciate that you can empathize with my position, especially that you added in the part of still having difficulty identifying emotions. I find that really frustrating and upsetting as well. I feel SO stupid when he asks me about my feelings and I don't know what they are.

I really do appreciate the support and people's willingness to share their own experiences. Others have brought up other sides to the same issue (or what I think of as the same issues). Like not being able to identify emotions, or understanding the words but being completely unable to grasp the concept, or not even understanding the questions I'm being asked.

I talked to my T on the telephone the other day and he asked me something, and I didn't even understand the question. I was just so . . . I dunno what the emotion was, how's that for still ignorant after two years of therapy? So I just said, "I don't understand the question. I guess I'm just so stupid I can't even figure out WHAT you're asking." He told me I wasn't stupid, I was frustrated. Then finally just ended up TELLING me what he was trying to get to by asking the question. [have I mentioned I hate the Socratic method and people asking me crap they already know the answer to and could just tell me? yea, law school was a BUNCH of fun for me. ] I do love it when he's willing to just TELL me what the stupid emotion is so I can stop guessing. The nice thing about phone calls is he only has less then ten minutes to talk so he cannot just sit there and wait for me to try to figure it out.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I did and do like reading about other people's experiences, and appreciate the ideas about re-wiring brains, reassurance, and subconscious resistance that help me realize that there are explanations other than stupidity for my need for repetition.

[bluemountains]

I plan on taking notes next time I go to therapy. I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person with a decent memory; however, when I go to therapy something happens to my brain! I don't remember what my t says, and half the time it sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher when she converses with me. I even repeat what she says sometimes in order to commit it to memory, but it doesn't stick. I hope my students do better than me when learning!
Bluemountains