[rainboots87]

I flip back and forth with this. I am attached to T and look forward to sessions and think she's helped me make tremendous growth over the past year. However, at the same time, sometimes I want to pull back and hate that I need her help and don't want anyone to help me. Basically, I feel like I should be able to do it all myself (which T says is perfectionistic of me). I understand that asking for help when I need it is a sign of taking responsibility. Sometimes, though, I think I want her support too much and then I pull back. For example, I had a tough session on Monday that brought up a bunch of emotions and I sent some emotional texts to T, knowing she probably wouldn't see them till the next morning. Then I switched gears and said I wanted to stop all therapy, and even went so far as to tell my group T that I wanted to quit. By the next day, I just felt stupid about it all. I hope I'm making sense. Can anyone relate and/or offer some advice/perspective/etc.?

[healed84]

Yes, I can relate.. I have seen T twice this week b/c my session on Monday brought up a whole lot of emotions and I was having a hard time dealing with it all. So, I saw T yesterday as well and the last thing I said to him was at this point I was either going to withdraw or keep calling (meaning scheduling appointments, and call him between appointments, etc).. I am in the same boat as you.. I don't want to need help, I want to do it on my own. I hate the feeling of being too needy. My T just said, that everybody needs help, and they are foolish to think that they can do life on their own. He told me not to feel bad about needing an extra session, or calling in between sessions b/c that is what he is there for and what I pay him for.

I have no advice since I am right where you are.. I just have keep fighting the urge to run and let my guard down a little bit, and keep calling T when I need him. There is nothing wrong with needing the assistance of other people, whether it be a T, a spouse, or a doctor.

[CantExplain]

I felt like that for years. I felt divided against myself and that was very painful.
* Inner child loved T and worshipped her
* Inner teenager hated her like poison and thought she was trying to destroy him.
* Inner adult bewildered at these irreconcilable feelings.

Originally Posted by rainboots87

I flip back and forth with this. I am attached to T and look forward to sessions and think she's helped me make tremendous growth over the past year. However, at the same time, sometimes I want to pull back and hate that I need her help and don't want anyone to help me. Basically, I feel like I should be able to do it all myself (which T says is perfectionistic of me). I understand that asking for help when I need it is a sign of taking responsibility. Sometimes, though, I think I want her support too much and then I pull back. For example, I had a tough session on Monday that brought up a bunch of emotions and I sent some emotional texts to T, knowing she probably wouldn't see them till the next morning. Then I switched gears and said I wanted to stop all therapy, and even went so far as to tell my group T that I wanted to quit. By the next day, I just felt stupid about it all. I hope I'm making sense. Can anyone relate and/or offer some advice/perspective/etc.?

My T calls it the I hate you don't leave me thing. I also do that, it's part of black and white thinking a borderline trait, I happen to carry. I know it's a struggle....I do it because I fear abandonment and this is my way of being close with distance. Hope this helps.

[and_im_still_here]

Yeah! I feel like this, but maybe i dont need help, maybe im just exaggerating, maybe im just carrying a big fat liar brain that tells me im not ok and deep inside im problably the most healthiest person on earth! I dont think i need my T... At least this is what i can say today.

[likelife]

I do the same thing. As I think I said in another thread, it feels like the rejecting part is self-protective - trying to guard against vulnerability and the assumed rejection and hurt that will follow from that. (I'm speaking for myself, here.) Others have written about just giving in to the process (trusting it?) and going from there. Hell if I know how to do that.