[geez]

I met with a new therapist today and she specializes in trauma. She was very calm, took lots of notes and gave me a lesson/lecture about trauma complete with illustrations on her dry erase board.

Her office was comfortable but not as nicely decorated as marriage T or Old T But she really knows her stuff and her style seems a little different than old T.
Was there a 'connection'? I'm not sure so I'm giving it a few more sessions to see.

I look at her and I see my 'old self'/ my old body and I want to run. Ironically we were wearing the same shoes just a different color.

Anyone hold a prejudice with a T and did you ever tell them?

PS - I bumped into my best friend and we are seeing the same T. Her appointments are right after me. Bonus!

[stopdog]

I don't understand how prejudice fits here - could you explain more what you mean (or not - I just don't understand). I have had grudges but I usually tell the therapist.

I don't really understand either. Is she really heavy, and you lost a lot of weight? Or visa versa? Somehow she reminds you of yourself and therefore you think she cannot help you?

[Perna]

I had a problem with my T's nationality I didn't discuss with her for many many years. Since I wasn't there for the problem that influenced the difficulty with her nationality, I was able to work without it being brought up right away.

[geez]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I don't really understand either. Is she really heavy, and you lost a lot of weight? Or visa versa? Somehow she reminds you of yourself and therefore you think she cannot help you?

MKAC you won the prize! Exactly right! I used to be really heavy my entire life until a year ago. And I wonder what she's grappling with in her life (hence the extra weight) and how she can help me if my perceptions are that I'm looking at the 'old me' (hope that makes sense). I know it sounds really shallow. I'm not looking at this from the perspective of 'who's the prettiest/most attractive T' It's more about me projecting.

Originally Posted by geez

MKAC you won the prize! Exactly right! I used to be really heavy my entire life until a year ago. And I wonder what she's grappling with in her life (hence the extra weight) and how she can help me if my perceptions are that I'm looking at the 'old me' (hope that makes sense). I know it sounds really shallow. I'm not looking at this from the perspective of 'who's the prettiest/most attractive T' It's more about me projecting.

geez, I have an issue with really heavy women as well, mostly as a result of my mother's weight. I have a particular horror of obese women without bras and with greasy, straggly hair. I have spoken to my T about it even, because I can sometimes be really vicious (inside my head anyway). He basically just said, yeah, she reminded you of your mother. He seems to think that because I am not cruel out loud, and/or don't have issues with heavy people who do NOT remind me of my mother, we don't really need to talk about that issue.

Don't know how helpful I am. I couldn't have a woman therapist at all, so I guess I'm even more prejudiced than you.

[geez]

TY everyone and MKAC thanks for sharing. I didn't tell the new T yet that I used to be 80lbs heavier. I kind of feel awkward about the whole thing and the prejudice I feel towards her. Me just projecting and if I want to do the work I'm going to have to tell new T this. Argh!

[CantExplain]

My T immediately and permanently reminded me of my mother.
(Previous Ts didn't.)
If I hadn't been so desperate I would have run away!

[Sannah]

This might be a good thing to face. Do you think that it has anything to do with you not liking who you were before?

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

This might be a good thing to face. Do you think that it has anything to do with you not liking who you were before?

YES! The funny part is even though the outer package of me is different the inner package at the core is the still the same.... I'm working to change my core.

[SallyBrown]

I wouldn't call it prejudice, but I would say that there was some external tidbit that I knew about my T that made me concerned about whether he could help me with my problems.

His name gives him away as Jewish, and while this itself is not a problem, I was a little worried about his bias -- my husband and his family are Jewish, and I am not, and when I started therapy, I was going through what I will call the "adventure" of seeking acceptance into his family (I will say nearly everyone was totally cool, but a few key characters were NOT). I was pretty concerned about not accidentally offending him, and was kind of worried that he'd secretly be against my marriage as well.

Eventually, and I will say this pretty much just takes time and trust-building, I had to accept that while I may know that fact about him, there are a lot of things I can't know, and his views and experience around intermarriage is one of them. Like everything else I don't know about him, I have to trust that no matter his experience, his interests lie in my finding happiness -- so what I need to determine is whether he has my interests at heart. Lucky for me, he does.

This reminds me of another thread from a while back (http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=211811), where someone with a thin therapist wondered how her skinny shrink could understand her (the patient's) weight problems. So, just think -- if you were a therapist and you had an overweight client, your client might think to herself, how could this T understand my issues when she looks so healthy? Not knowing, of course, that you understand very well.

No matter what things look like on the outside, there's always an awful lot you don't know about someone!

[geez]

Thank you so much for sharing the thread SallyBrown and sharing your perspective. I'm going to give this T a few more appointments and see how things go. I've put a call into another therapist and I hope to get some peace of mind soon!

[growlycat]

She could have a medical problem (thyroid, metabolic issues) not all weight problems are due to a lack of coping.

[geez]

Originally Posted by growlycat

She could have a medical problem (thyroid, metabolic issues) not all weight problems are due to a lack of coping.

Thank you growly and everyone reading this. Never thought of the medical problem. I was chatting with someone about this topic and the perspective they gave me is that if someone isn't taking care of themselves it's usually because they are taking care of everyone else but themselves..... so that is what I'm going to be telling myself to have more of an open mind. I am going to be telling her about my weigh loss on Thursday.

[critterlady]

Another thing to consider is that maybe she has lost weight. Since you just met her, you have no way of knowing where she is in her own struggle with weight. When you were part of the way through your own weight loss, anyone you just met would not have known where you started - they'd just see where you were right then.

[Snuffleupagus]

My exT was tall and thin and blonde and blue eyed and straight. I am short and fat and brunette and brown eyed and a lesbian. A very strong, very deep and, at first, very deeply repressed part of me hated her with the burning, seething passion that only envy can produce. When I told her about my envy, she told me how unhealthy it was (mfing duh) and about the terrible plight of being thin and conventionally beautiful. I wanted to punch her in the throat, but I learned a lot about our incompatibility as therapist and patient.

I would address your weight loss history sooner rather than later, so you can gauge her response and make a better assessment about whether she's a good match for you.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

My exT was tall and thin and blonde and blue eyed and straight. I am short and fat and brunette and brown eyed and a lesbian. A very strong, very deep and, at first, very deeply repressed part of me hated her with the burning, seething passion that only envy can produce. When I told her about my envy, she told me how unhealthy it was (mfing duh) and about the terrible plight of being thin and conventionally beautiful. I wanted to punch her in the throat, but I learned a lot about our incompatibility as therapist and patient.

I would address your weight loss history sooner rather than later, so you can gauge her response and make a better assessment about whether she's a good match for you.

Good point! I will be bringing it up next session. Maybe not saying "your weight reminds me of my old self and I can't stand it" But saying "I've lost a lot of weight and I'm afraid of gaining it back and feel self conscious etc...

Thank you for sharing your experience!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by geez

Maybe not saying "your weight reminds me of my old self and I can't stand it" But saying "I've lost a lot of weight and I'm afraid of gaining it back and feel self conscious etc.

But aren't those different concerns?

I don't think you are afraid of gaining back the weight you have lost; it is that you feel she looks like what you use to look like and you do not like that "mirror"; you have not accepted yourself. The therapist is not you. She may have no problem with her weight, her looks. I would not worry about her, I would try to stick with what you feel, directly. If you get into the "I'm afraid of gaining it back", that isn't quite the issue and can't solve the problem?

Wow, Perna has hit it on the nose in my opinion. It really isn't about what we're afraid of "happening" in regard to weight, it's about what we SEE before us. As a person who loss over 150 lbs over seven years ago and now is a a "normal" weight", I used to have a hard time dealing with individuals who were overweight after losing my weight. It wasn't that I couldn't be sympathetic and empathetic about being that weight (god, I could surely understand how hard and heartwrenching that place was to be), it was about whether or not I could relate to them as being in a TERRIBLE place mentally in regard to their own eating and numbing out.

I know that I am totally lucky in that I have a therapist who works with eating disordered individuals . .. along with other issues , and I know that, even though she could NEVER have known what it was like to be in my weight range, she understands eating disorders on a very close and imtimate level. It gives me comfort and reassurance.

I think it's great that you've already decided to discuss this issue with your therapist, geez. Sometimes, those of us who have lived a life of being overweight believe that NO ONE can understand our pain . .. and if another person is overweight they can't understand because they CAN'T GET A GRIP ON THEIR OWN ISSUES. One thing I've learned over time is that there truly are overweight people who are comfortable and happy with their bodies. Just because I have always hated my overweight body doesn't mean that others feel the same way. Self esteem and self confidence comes from many different places within us. I hope you don't discount her for her weight. She might surprise you in a wonderful and wonderous way.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Perna

I don't think you are afraid of gaining back the weight you have lost; it is that you feel she looks like what you use to look like and you do not like that "mirror"; you have not accepted yourself. The therapist is not you. She may have no problem with her weight, her looks. I would not worry about her, I would try to stick with what you feel, directly. If you get into the "I'm afraid of gaining it back", that isn't quite the issue and can't solve the problem?

Darn it! I can't fool you (((( Perna))))! You are of course right on about me not accepting myself and I do know this about myself. I talked about it in my last session with old T and marriage T (about not accepting myself - OUCH!). On some level I am afraid of gaining the weight back but that's not my 'issue' right now and there is a part of me that is afraid of talking to new T about my weight as I have a fear that I'm going to hurt her by talking about it because she is over weight. I don't have another option for a T right now and I can't be without one and I can't go back to old T as I would be going backwards. - I hope that makes sense.

I have an appointment on Thursday and will be telling the rest of why I need to see her. I hope this works out.

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

Wow, Perna has hit it on the nose in my opinion. It really isn't about what we're afraid of "happening" in regard to weight, it's about what we SEE before us. As a person who loss over 150 lbs over seven years ago and now is a a "normal" weight", I used to have a hard time dealing with individuals who were overweight after losing my weight. It wasn't that I couldn't be sympathetic and empathetic about being that weight (god, I could surely understand how hard and heartwrenching that place was to be), it was about whether or not I could relate to them as being in a TERRIBLE place mentally in regard to their own eating and numbing out.

I know that I am totally lucky in that I have a therapist who works with eating disordered individuals . .. along with other issues , and I know that, even though she could NEVER have known what it was like to be in my weight range, she understands eating disorders on a very close and imtimate level. It gives me comfort and reassurance.

I think it's great that you've already decided to discuss this issue with your therapist, geez. Sometimes, those of us who have lived a life of being overweight believe that NO ONE can understand our pain . .. and if another person is overweight they can't understand because they CAN'T GET A GRIP ON THEIR OWN ISSUES. One thing I've learned over time is that there truly are overweight people who are comfortable and happy with their bodies. Just because I have always hated my overweight body doesn't mean that others feel the same way. Self esteem and self confidence comes from many different places within us. I hope you don't discount her for her weight. She might surprise you in a wonderful and wonderous way.

(((Jaybird))) You are so right about confidence and self esteem coming from different places and thank you for sharing your life experience! That is so awesome that you have been maintaing for seven years!!!! I've been trying to maintain/lose the last 10 for a year (I lost 80) . I'm so happy to 'meet you'. I've yet to meet someone who is in maintenance mode and I've been looking for a mentor of sorts in that arena. Would you be my mentor??? Pretty please? - if i have a question every now and again about maintenance? If not no worries as life is busy.

I'll be thinking of you both on Thursday. I can do this! Hoping that there's a connection with this new T and she does work with Eating Disorders - she does trauma so that's one component I need.

[WikidPissah]

my weight yo-yo's and I struggle with it so much. I work out regularly but I play with 40lbs...it's depressing (I'm on the high end right now and have no motivation). T works hard to maintain his itty bitty body. I feel like a big fat pig when I am in there sometimes.

[geez]

Wikid I used my old T as a motivator to lose weight. Sounds kinda silly but it worked. I lost weight and made a game out of it. My initial goal was to see if T would notice and she did. I then just kept going from there. My motivation ebs and flows and it usual hinges on my emotions. I want to change that. I wish you some resolve on your weight loss efforts.

[Mike_J]

When I first met my therapist I wasn’t sure it would work out because she is a bit younger than I am and very attractive. Then I thought it would be a bit prejudice against her just because of her appearance, and I figured if I was going to start discriminating against a group of people, attractive women wouldn’t be a good place to start (not that there is ever a good place to start).

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by Mike_J

I figured if I was going to start discriminating against a group of people, attractive women wouldn’t be a good place to start (not that there is ever a good place to start).

Ha! My favorite post of the day. That's great.

[geez]

Update: I talked to the new T about my weight loss but didn't say anything about how I felt about her. How I felt about her kind of dissolved right in front of me. I told her about my binge eating and she completely gets where I'm coming from and how it relates to the issues that I'm trying to address in therapy. Feeling a little less apprehensive and a little more comfortable. Thanks for sharing and listening :-)