how much detail is necessary

[quote=stopdog;2311040]. . . I want to talk about whatever it is I need to talk about to quit feeling bad for no reason. I do not know what that is. I do not have a desire to talk about anything with the therapist. I am willing to talk about whatever is necessary to talk about to quit feeling this bad. quote] (I added the bolding)

I've got to say, stopdog, that your post really confused me. You mentioned that you were willing to talk about whatever is needed to talk about to quit feeling bad, and then immediately went into withdrawal by saying that you didn't have any desire to talk about anything with the woman you see. . . . How can one be willing or open to whatever they need to do to feel better and then immediately draw a line in the sand that puts everything off limits?

I'm not trying to be hurtful or confrontational, but it seems that you talk quite a bit about being willing to do whatever you need to do to feel better, but the limits of what you are actually willing to experience is so rigid that nothing the woman suggests will ever be a possiblility in your book because it is too uncomfortable or foreign to you. . . . at this point in your therapy anyway.

I know in my own therapy that I've never discussed details. My therapist has inquired, and I've said, "It doesn't feel as if any of that belongs to me and it was a long time ago and best left alone." She's honored that . . .unless I get triggered in a session and start shaking or go COLD or can't get the words out. This is when she gently points out that my burying the past and not bringing it into the open only pushes it down until it comes bubbling up again. I don't disagree with her, I just let her know that I'm not ready to talk details right now. We work on other issues. I hope it gets better for you.

Just saw this article today:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...nd-the-present

Great article, Mykidsarecool!
I've read Yeoman & Kernberg's book on Transferance Focused Therapy. It was hard to read because Kernberg is big on getting to the root of the aggressiveand narcissistic issues the client is harboring. The therapist doesn't spend a lot of time on pass issues; the focus in on the relationship between client and therapist in the here and now. . . although issues from the past do come into the room during the session. It is a very focused and structured therapy but the research results on it's effectiveness in bringing about change is as good as DBT, Schema Therapy and Mentalizing Therapy. Of course, finding a therapist actually trained in the techniques is next to impossible unless you live in a big metropolitian area. It is a manualized therapy, meaning that the therapist can't just read about the techniques and begin practicing them without extensive training and supervision.

[QUOTE=Jaybird57;2311596]I WILL talk about stuff to the therapist but I don't really WANT to talk to a therapist at all. I am merely emphasizing the difference between will and want. I don't want to do therapy at all but I will do it if it will help. I don't see that as drawing a line. I do not know what needs to be talked about. I expect the therapist to tell me the sorts of things people talk about to fix the sorts of problems I have (I recognize the woman does not know specifics, but surely she knows types). If she can tell me how to come up with accurate detail I will try to do so. I am not refusing the detail, just not knowing it and I don't see that it will help because the detail I have come up with so far has not done any good.

It doesn't matter in the end. Today's appointment was worthless chatter, she failed to listen to me and I cancelled for next week.

My T once told me: "Present happiness doesn't wipe out past pain."

I apologize for not understanding the difference you were getting at in your post, stopdog.
And I'm sorry that the session today was worthless chatter.
Take care.

[QUOTE=stopdog;2311709][QUOTE=Jaybird57;2311596]

Thank you for taking the time to give me input.

Stopdog, do you ever worry or think about whether you are "doing therapy correctly or the right way"? I just wondered cause when I went back to xT to talk about what I would need to be different... we talked about how he wants me to feel as in control as possible of the sessions so my anxiety is less but I told him that it doesn't work that way because I have concerns about whether I'm "doing therapy right" which leads to anxiety so him being more directing and helpful might lesson my anxiety... which would help me not to "intellectualize" and hold in all my emotions...

Just curious

Yes. Constantly.

You said you aren't just tolerating things but then you said you're settling for "making your feelings not irrational". I think tolerating and settling are pretty much the same thing. And I think if you acknowledge the painful feelings from the past probably it will get easier to experience positive feelings deeply enough that you wouldn't be willing to give them up.

Tolerating things was in a different context from settling for making feelings not irrational. The latter was in response to a different question. I would eradicate all feeling but even I realize that is not possible so I must etc.

It is not a matter of not acknowledging painful feelings from the past, I honestly don't recall them as painful nor when recounting them now do I experience them as painful. I can acknowledge it possibly was painful but I don't recall or experience them that way.

haha, the first paragraph just is what i guessed you'd say. And I still think I have a point.

I believe you about your second paragraph and I guess you probably don't recall it as painful because you're used to suppressing that feeling and you could probably change that so that you could also experience other feelings more, including positive ones. Obviously no one except you knows for sure.

I experience most feelings that I have too much. That is what I am trying to fix. I don't want to feel more or feel the bad ones againthat I don't remember feeling. I am not upset I don't remember them. That is one of the good things going on - the inability to remember feeling bad. I don't want to feel more, I want to feel less. It is like attachment. I am too attached and I want to be less attached to people. Not more. More is not good.

is it really that you are too attached or that you don't like being attached or feel comfortable or safe being attached?
and do I hear you saying rightly that you do experience high-intensity in your emotions ...... or is it again just that it seems too much to you, but maybe it really wouldn't seem like too much to others, or to me, maybe?
I do experience emotions intensely and sometimes I hate it ..... the too-much of it I hate, that is. Not that I feel the emotions themselves actually, but that I can't seem to feel/experience emotions within the same gradient as most around me .... either way above it, or not enough, or not the level considered appropriate anyway for a given situation. It feels like my skin is too thin sometimes, and others my emotional armor is too thick.....
Attachment .... well ...... sometimes I think I'd like to be able to live without it, too, not because I have a problem with being attached, but because I have a problem with the emotions or the intensity of emotion that seem unsafe/uncomfortable/hurtful to me that can come along with the attachment.
But I can't really live without attachment, or without emotion, so my efforts, instead of being geared toward eradicating/denying those things, are geared toward learning moderation and balance and regulation ......

Maybe instead of trying to do it right, try to do it opposite of the way you have been doing it. You could try a man T, just saying.

Like the Seinfeld episode where George does everything opposite then he normally would. I treid it and it was scary but it has been well worth it. Whats the definition of insanity tied to repeating things over and over and expecting different results?

I SO get you on this one. However, I will say that trying to change more attachment into less attachment takes a LOT of work. It is exhausting, even when it's happening on auto-pilot. It siphons a lot of energy and brings a lot of gloom and hopelessness along with it.

I consider most attachment to be too much attachment.
I would not know how others would experience what I experience as too much. I would think it is too much for everyone, but possibly not.

I have a backup. No men.

i will ponder this. I don't think I experience it as exhausting or bringing gloomy hopelessness.

Just trying to help dear... I do admire your determination and drive.

My T would say:

You're trying to choose which emotions you feel and which ones you don't. In a healthy mind, feelings don't work like that.
I want you to experience all you feelings. I'm not going to help you to feel less."

What does your T say?

Happily the one I see does not tell me what she wants me to do. That would be a super bad plan to tell me anything like that. She does not get to decide what I experience.

hmm, if they were good feelings and not overwhelming feelings then it would be good

that sounds like my ex-bf. t pointed out when ex-bf feels emotions they're overwhelming because he usually suppresses/ignores his emotions.

Not necessarily. There can be overwhelming good. Which then makes it less pleasant. Too much either way is not fun.

maybe more frequent, more regulated, less overwhelming emotions

Less overwhelming and more regulated certainly.
Two out of three ain't bad.

i think the being aware of them more frequently is part of the other two