the tunnel.

I have been in a dark place recently. I think it is another stage of skin shredding. My "introvert" and "projection" threads are linked I think. T once told me that the world is a fearful place for me because I project all my fears into the world around me so it then gets muliplied and comes back to me a thousand fold worse.

When in a group I feel terrible, I feel like I have lost my sense of "- am" and others become everything I fear.

My narcissitc mother projected her "faults" into me and I don't know why, but I acted them out afterwards. Instead of being the oPpersite to who she said I was, I became what she said I was.

As an adult I still do this, repeating in a desperate attempt at redemption I imagine. Perhaps projection was a learned defence? Like pavlovs dog? But that sounds insane, but it fits.

I think I need isolation to learn who I am, warts and all. Perhaps as a former addict projection is the route cause? I give away all parts of myself and looked to fill the painful emptiness with substences? That certainly makes sense.

T has spoken to me about the defence of projection, but I never truly "got it", suddenly like a lightbulb going on bits and pieces are connecting not fully understanding it, but realising this is why I hurt so much.

I have a love/hate relationship with ah-ha moments like that. They are hard to be in, but eventually bring more freedom and understanding. Keep embracing it, and I'll try to do the same with my "ah-ha"s.

You just inched forward...Congrats.

I think all of how we relate to others is learned/not learned. Yes, we may be a curious or friendly soul as infants but our parents can be anxious, depressed, angry or stressed, etc. and that will affect us. We like/don't like our parents but are trapped by their being the primary adults in our world so we have to go along with what they are preaching, learn good and bad things because we have no other experience and not learn other good or bad things because there's nothing to compare what we're learning to yet.

It's only when we get older and out from under and get a bit of self-understanding that we can orient ourselves as we wish and notice, from our own attempts at learning or unlearning what works for us and what doesn't. I think we usually notice what doesn't work first but don't have a clue how to proceed so go get therapists who help us move along further in our development.