[eclogite]

I haven't posted here in a while, but have hung out in the shadows regularly.

I've been with my T for 9 months. I've dealt with a whole slew of things and we've worked through way too many of my crises (brand new bpii intersecting some fierce anxiety plus BPD & a couple situational issues), but also some of the "real" issues.

My dad just passed away (a couple weeks ago) and there's history there that she & I have never really gotten into too much. Well today I decided I was ready so I took the plunge and put it all out there. I had given her fair warning the night before.

It all just fell flat. I felt a little better for having said stuff, but only as much as I would have if I had written it in a journal. Everything she said was so superficial. It all seemed so canned and nothing near empathetic. Honestly, it would have been better if she said nothing or just an empathetic "hey, that's really sh***." Instead it was equivalent to DBT skills - how to handle it in the moment, not how to address big picture. She asked me what I thought I needed in order to heal. This is a core thing I've carried around since growing up, something I'd been working up to with her, finally felt comfortable enough with her to talk about, and she's asking me what I want? I told her everything she said felt empty, practical, prepared and her response was something like "this is hard for me having never experienced something like that in my life." I appreciate her being honest about that, but it mostly just lead me to feel more alone out there, hanging onto a limb.

Why am I going to see her each week? Seriously? This thing costs a decent chunk of change, and what does she have to offer me? We've worked well together with the more practical day-to-day things, but this - finally something very "real" - and I feel utterly alone. We had a relationship before, and now I just feel like a folder she can file away at the end of the day. Like she didn't know how to handle it so she read me lines from a notebook.

It's possible I was expecting too much, but it also seems to me that if this is your job, you should know how to respond. Instead of telling me "Your feelings ARE legit," a demonstration of that concept in the moment. Validation is something to be conveyed, not stated.

And furthermore, where does it go from here? I trusted that she knew where we were going overall, but today I opened up big time and realized maybe she can't help me.

I don't want to show up again. I'm done. It's one thing to experience this type of a reaction from a friend, but this is her JOB.

Any advice? Anyone go through something similar? CAN she actually help me? She's new (1.5 yrs), which never bothered me before, but now I'm questioning. I know a lot of this is venting, but it's been gnawing at me all day, and I can't decide if a) therapy will never be the answer and my expectations are misguided, b) she's not the therapist for me, or c) I need to get over myself, put it behind me, and toughen up.

I don't have any great advice, but I want to say I'm sorry about your dad. I know parents' deaths can be a time of very complicated emotions and I hope that you are able to work through it in a healthy way.
Don't give up on yourself right now. You can give up on t, if that seems right, but don't give up on you.

[likewater]

I second lucydog. In sorry you didnt get what you needed. Go back and mention what you need ir coukd be this T isnt right fit for you

[carla.cdt]

eclogite
you mentionned DBT in your post. I did DBT before and I also did other kind of therapy. DBT did seem more "cold" sometime as it was very focus on skills. DBT therapist work toward behavioral targets in 3 stages. The fisrt stage is attaining basic capacities (decrease behavior that interfere with quality of life, increase behavioral skills, ...) The second stage is reducing post traumatic stress. The third one is increasing self respect and achieving individual goal. If your therapist sees you at stage one of treatment, she might be concern about your readiness to touch on your past trauma. If she is new to DBT, she might not know how to handle all situation in a proper "DBT" way. But, DBT therapists usually work in team and have consultation regularly. You have voice your concerns, hopefully your therapist will be able to ask for help at her next therapists meeting. I understand that DBT is a difficult type of therapy and training of therapist is very important to do right.
hope that help some...
take care

[BonnieJean]

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, elcogite. Losing parents can be a pretty rough experience. I've gone thru it. Be sure to allow yourself all the grieving feelings that come along with it. Be kind to yourself right now.

Of all people, you'd expect your t to know you well enough to respond with effective empathy. I'm disappointed to hear how her response made you feel. I hate it when I occasionally get what I call 'player piano' responses. I've confronted t on those--after the fact... It seems like it would be important to let her know how her response made you feel. She's gotta get out from behind DBT skills facilitating at times like this. Don't give up on her, though. She's human. Maybe she can't relate at all to the experience. Maybe she's had time to think it over? I'd bring it up again.

[ECHOES]

Everything she said felt superficial might be just how you were able to take it in at that moment. She may have been 100% sincere, and a bit reserved, to give you room to say more, to say as much as you wanted to say, without possibly diverting your thoughts with a stronger response from her.

The best advice is to go back and keep talking about it. You may have to talk about it several times, but what happens between the two of you is real and is important to talk more about.

And the more you talk about the things you told her, the better she will be able to understand and empathize. I don't think we have to personally experience something to be able to understand and feel the other's pain, but this is something she struggles with evidently. I hope you can find a place with her and about this that you can feel more comfortable. If you don't go back, you won't have that chance to move beyond feeling disappointed, disillusioned, and unfelt.