I hate it when I am sitting there with T and all I can say is "i don't know". last time I was there at one point I was just staring off into space and realized it and shook myself back to reality and she asked "where were you just now" and I'm like "i don't know". what are you feeling? i don't know. well do you want to just sit quietly for a bit? i don't know.

ok so I probably very well DO know, but don't wanna say, and then I feel bad for wasting her time and my money. I don't go spinning off into this vicious circle very often, but when I do it's a doozy. Usually she can't shut me up and has to kick me out cuz I don't ever want to leave. Weird vibes this week. I dunno if it's from her or me. probably me though.....

Weird vibes though. Definitely.

My T actually won't accept "I don't know " as an answer. It was such a block I put up to avoid being straight with myself. He knew I, on some level, can access the answers, and it took a lot of trust and time but now I am hardly even tempted to say it. I've learned how to get to the thoughts that I was so good at repressing.

[ECHOES]

This is hard when it happens, and feels so weird when we really can't identify why.

I still have times like this, even after 5 years. I suppose I do know too.
In the beginning when it happened, often as soon as I was free from the tension that can be there in therapy, when I was barely out of the parking lot, I could easily think about how I would have liked to have responded.

I used to become really distressed about this happening, but now I just try to remember and talk about it the next time. When we do talk about it the next time, often we can identify the place that was stopping my thinking, and what that is about.

Sometimes the only answer I had to "where are you right now" is not 'here'. More to know about that, when it happens. Why not here? Why not here right now? What happened to begin this?

So, not a waste of money or time at all, artemis-within. It's just another path to take to knowing more about you!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

and realized it and shook myself back to reality

ok so I probably very well DO know, but don't wanna say

These are GREAT insights! My T at one point, maybe 5 years into my therapy (9 years total) asked me could we decide I wasn't going to say "I don't know" anymore, we would take the time to have me check my heart and figure out what the "answer" was? Maybe you and your T can decide to do that with you? It worked great for me; was a little scary at first but then I realized my T was not bored/angry/distainful of me taking time to figure it out for us and it got easier.

When i tell my t i dont know, she says " yes you do.". Agh! Then she pushes til she gets something out of me

[Wren_]

I say this a bit also and reading the responses here helps me with seeing why; I hope it helps you also and turns out to be something that is of value

Thanks for all of the responses! This is such a helpful and warm community. I'm going to take these ideas with me next week and see what we can figure out, so this can stop bugging me!

[rainboots87]

My T won't accept "I don't know" from me, unless she can tell I've really thought about it and honestly don't know. Even then, sometimes, she gently pushes me by asking questions or just waiting until I can provide some kind of answer. For the people pleaser in me, I tend to say it when I'm afraid of saying the "wrong" thing. I've gotten much better at expressing myself, but I fall back on "I don't know" when I'm overwhelmed. At my last session, I was having a rough time and said I couldn't concentrate/focus, so she asked if I wanted to walk around, get some water, do jumping jacks in the lobby (no one else was there), and I laughed and declined. Since I was having trouble talking, she helped ground me a bit. At my next session, I'm really going to try and say what I'm thinking and feeling without filtering it and giving up with "I don't know."

[stopdog]

I go from I don't know to I am not going to tell you.

[WikidPissah]

I usually say "ARG...no, no, no....please don't ask me that"

[northgirl]

I have the same experience, but it's gotten better over time mainly because I get tired of saying it over and over and like was said, T will ask "where are you" as i stare out the window. I've learned I can much better find Something to say even if it's just what he wants to hear.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I hate it when I am sitting there with T and all I can say is "i don't know". last time I was there at one point I was just staring off into space and realized it and shook myself back to reality and she asked "where were you just now" and I'm like "i don't know". what are you feeling? i don't know. well do you want to just sit quietly for a bit? i don't know.

ok so I probably very well DO know, but don't wanna say, and then I feel bad for wasting her time and my money. I don't go spinning off into this vicious circle very often, but when I do it's a doozy. Usually she can't shut me up and has to kick me out cuz I don't ever want to leave. Weird vibes this week. I dunno if it's from her or me. probably me though.....

Weird vibes though. Definitely.

when i say i don't know (OFTEN) my T will not ever take that as an answer she will say yes i do know i just don't want to say(sound familliar)then she will say something like give it a try meaning to answer her question.i hate it and it is hard because sometimes i feel like i really don't know, and it isn't always helpful to be told i do .but mostly i do know and dont want to talk at all. or dont have the right words to answer her and that is when she says try.

[nannypat]

I hear this "where did you go?" all the time. Sometimes I don't even realize I went somewhere in my head and I have to try to pull up what I was thinking 30 seconds ago. Sometimes it is totally irrelevent, or so I think. but she seems to be able to figure out a path that got me there. lol

[For real]

I once had a T that when I said "I don't know ". Here response was... "and if you did know what would you say" . That sounds harsh ad I types it here but here soft reassuring voice did wonders for my I don't know.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

Thanks for all of the responses! This is such a helpful and warm community. I'm going to take these ideas with me next week and see what we can figure out, so this can stop bugging me!

Good for you. That will be an interesting session, I'll bet!

I mentioned your thread to my T yesterday. She asked what would be a better question instead of the "Where did you go just now" kind of question. So I suggested something more direct, something like "Do you know why you feel like not communicating [with me] right now?" .. with or without the [with me], and I think she may try that the next time. She is concerned that it may feel blaming/shaming and doesn't want that to happen. But I can't say how it will feel and I'm willing to see how it goes.

So thanks for contributing to my therapy, and good luck in your next session when you talk more about your post and the replies

When I was a teenager, I drove my parents with "I don't know" (actually, it probably came out more like: I dunno). How was school? I dunno. What would you like to do this weekend? I dunno. Did you study for midterms? I dunno. Where were you last night? I dunno. They made a strict rule that I could not say I don't know. No matter what, even if I legitimately didn't know something, I had to say something like "I can't answer that at this time, but I will look it up". Corny, yes, but it was a good lesson and I haven't been able to say "I don't know" ever since.

In t, I want to say it often, be even there, I can't bring myself to. So, I have to figure out the answer (usually the question is: How does that make you feel? And I often really don't know the answer, but have to come up with something).

[bluemountains]

When I say I don't know, which is often, my t rephrases the question or discussion until the answer comes out. If I am in a nontalking mood I shrug instead saying I don't know, and she just converses with my body language until I open up.
Bluemountains

[pbutton]

I should probably call a ban on I don't know in my therapy. Of course then I'd just fall back on my next old standby, which is to stare at the ground and not speak.

[agma]

The first time that I started staring out the window and all I could say was "I don't know" to all of T's questions, T asked me (the next session) what she could do to help pull me out of that. We talked about it for a while and decided that T giving me choices of possible answers is the best. She will usually give me 4 or 5 choices, and then by that time, I have come back and can either tell her one of her choices was correct or tell her what the real answer is. She also knows that if I don't say anything at all, that means I need her to rephrase the question.

Thanks again for the responses! So many good ideas here. I think my whole next session is going to be spent talking about last week. Which will likely be a good thing!

[stopdog]

Sometimes one really does not know an answer. Guessing is very perilous. If the therapist wants a different answer, perhaps they should ask a different question.

[Towanda]

"I don't know" from me usually gets a "Yes you do" and a compassionate silence from T as I try to spit out what I'm trying to avoid saying. He knows I'm avoiding the issue when I say that. And I usually try to be brave, be vulnerable, and speak out. Works every time