So I have a really bad day coming up. I'm heading off to see my old therapist so that he can tell me to my face why he can't see me anymore. Either I'm too crazy and he's not trained in the kind of crazy I am or, as other therapists gently explained, he just doesn't like me, doesn't have good repoire with me and needs to send me somewhere else. Neither of these possibities sound very pleasant to me. So I'm steeling myself inside for whatever may come. (Sadistic is what I think it is; I'd rather just have a phone call than be broken up with in person).

I've made another appointment with my brand new therapist for this afternoon so maybe he can help me process it all and help me see it as a positive thing.

This wouldn't matter so much of I weren't so attached to T1. He was there for me for 2 and a half years until I became suicidal (bad reaction to an antidepressant) then he left not long after I got out of the hospital.

I'm trying to tell myself it doesn't matter. I was never that close to him anyway but it's a lie. I was deeply bonded to him. He changed my life. I can't tell you how many times I thought I was so lucky to finally have found a good therapist. He was often the only good thing I could think about in my new city (I just moved here not too long ago).

But nothing lasts forever. The relationship has to come to an end. May as well get it over with. It's just gonna be a really hard day for me. I miss him so much.

I do have the new therapist but I think I should end that too. It may feel kinda good now but this kind of pain of ending the relationship is just not worth it. Why would I want to put myself through this again? Is it somehow good for me? Does it make me stronger? I really don't think so. This has been a horrible experience for me and I don't think I can repeat it.

[likelife]

Ugh, what a difficult situation. I can hear the pain you've been experiencing in the way you write. For what it's worth, I think your old T screwed up when he left after you became suicidal. I know that some T's don't handle suicidal thoughts or behavior well, but it seems extremely unethical to me to drop someone just because they're suicidal. It's kind of part of the territory.

That said, I'm glad you have an appointment scheduled with your new T today. Even if you feel uncertain about continuing, it seems important to process whatever happens with your old T.

I hope things go well for you today.

Well that's that. My heart ached like it was going to burst the whole time. He kept saying he didn't abandon me. But what else do you call it? Tough love? Oh I'll just leave and then she'll be forced to go do this other therapy with someone else (in her best interests). I am so unbelievably sad right now. I can't tell you how heartbroken I am

He was kind and caring and gentle at least. I wonder if that made it harder. And he said I could come back if I also did the other kind of therapy and they said it was okay for me to work with him also but it's their call.

I don't know if I should go back. Haven't I been hurt enough?

[WikidPissah]

hey lost....

I have been following your posts. I had a T dump me after a hospitalization once. I tried to go back to him a year later but he wouldn't take me unless I was in dbt. He was under the assumption I suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder. I have since been tested and proven to be something else though. It was very painful, but I made it through and am in the process of forming an attachment to current T (whom I have been with for 2 years). Yes, it has taken a very long time and several t's for me to form a bond, but it happened.

I think a T that forces a second t onto his/her client is a T that doesn't want to be too bothered by attachment and who doesn't want to be available much. (they want t2 to handle the dirty work). That's just my opinion though.

[SpiritRunner]

I'm sorry for your pain and the way your old T handled this. My first T terminated me while I was in the hospital (eh, the 4th time in one summer). She had begun to feel like she wasn't helping anymore, that I didn't want her help, and that I had lied to her and broken her trust in not keeping the safety contract I had to not hurt or try to hurt myself. I meant to keep it and would have had the pain of living and the desire to be free not be so huge and overwhelming. But she thought I was able to keep it and chose to break it by continuing to be and act suicidal .... my 2nd T said she thought T1 thought the contract would have more power than it did, which I think was a bit naive or something on her part ..... anyway, she thought it would be best to simply not see me anymore. She seemed to think her actions were in line ethically (and technically probably were) and never did seem to quite understand why I would feel betrayed and abandoned or need an explanation for why she really chose to do as she did. She thought part of my suicidality was just borderline PD games ...... and that I was playing with her, I think.
So, yes, it is a terribly hurtful thing and it doesn't matter if your old T doesn't think he truly abandoned you or not - if you feel abandoned, that is your truth. It may have been handled ethically, but that doesn't make it any less of an abandonment to you.
I'd say, though, that your T now is any good, he will be able to help you work through those feelings and understand if it is a good idea to go back to that T or stay with the T whom you are with or what therapy to do.
Who's 'they'? Is he young and has a supervising team or something? I wonder if thinking that he has to abide by the decisions of a supervising team and it isn't all a personal thing would help you feel less abandoned?

[shipping]

I assume "they" means the people in charge at the "other kind of therapy". I would jump at that--to get to see and rebuild with old T for the small price of joining another therapeutic endeavor? Heck, yeah! shipping

[minneymouse]

I'm so sorry this happened to you- it sounds terribly painful. Well done for going back, and for surviving this difficult day. I hope that in time your new therapy will be helpful.